Ok, so to answer a question most people have, yes, life is different being a twin. And for one thing, being a twin means you share the same birthday. Here's one birthday story.
So a while ago, Rich and I had a birthday which we hadn't really planned for in terms of buying each other presents. That tends to happen a lot when you are a twin and only anticipate your own birthday. So this particular birthday, I improvised and gave Richard 10 dollars in cash. He admitted the birthday and snuck up on him as well. He took the 10 dollars, reached into his wallet and gave me 5 dollars back and said "happy birthday".
Showing posts with label Funny stories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny stories. Show all posts
9/18/07
Funny Stories: the attempted assassination of Sammy Sosa
Sunday I was going to a baseball game between the A's and the Rangers. I went with my sister and grabbed my backpack so I'd have a bag for my sweater. I grabbed my school books out of it quickly and off I went. After a long drive and a Bart ride, we arrived at the coliseum. As we started to go through the security check, I emptied my backpack for this war hardened looking dude obviously from Oakland. As I pulled it out I replied "yeah I just have two jackets and..." There was Jeremiah's air soft glock pistol.
Chris O gave me his pistol at debate class on Friday and when I pulled my books out of my backpack, it stayed in there.
I swear the dude didn't even check if it was real, he just said: "can't bring that in there"
I'm like: "yeah sorrry!"
A couple steps later I realized I had no idea what I was going to do with the pistol!
We took the Bart from Dublin so no car to put anything anywhere.
I looked at the trash can but, almost simultaneously I remembered how buff Jeremiah was. Visions of my head being removed by his bicep kept reoccurring.
I knew I'd have to go back to the gangsta security man to ask for help.
Luckily they had some storage center around the building for a 3 dollar charge.
Welp, since I'm not writing this post from jail, I'm sure you all can figure out it worked out.
Chris O gave me his pistol at debate class on Friday and when I pulled my books out of my backpack, it stayed in there.
I swear the dude didn't even check if it was real, he just said: "can't bring that in there"
I'm like: "yeah sorrry!"
A couple steps later I realized I had no idea what I was going to do with the pistol!
We took the Bart from Dublin so no car to put anything anywhere.
I looked at the trash can but, almost simultaneously I remembered how buff Jeremiah was. Visions of my head being removed by his bicep kept reoccurring.
I knew I'd have to go back to the gangsta security man to ask for help.
Luckily they had some storage center around the building for a 3 dollar charge.
Welp, since I'm not writing this post from jail, I'm sure you all can figure out it worked out.
9/3/07
The Following is a True Story...
I love camping. I'm just gonna say it. I heart camping. Quality time with the family, scarfing down s'mores and the fresh smell of *sniffs the air*.....poop?
My uncle and I were sitting around the campsite one morning. It was about 10:45 or so, and my little cousin Josiah comes running up the hill from the lake.
"Hey Dad, can I go swimming?" he asks my Uncle.
"Sure go get your swim suit on."
So, Josiah, who is five yeas old runs farther up the hill where his tent is to put on his trunks. Twenty minutes later, my Uncle and I were so engrossed in our conversation that eventually we started to wonder, what was taking Josiah so long.
"Hey Si! are you ok?" my Uncle yelled.
"Yeah, I need to go poop dad!" Josiah yells back.
"Well, get your suit on then I'll take you to the bathroom."
"I can't find my suit!"
In the middle of this little conversatioin between my uncle and my cousin, my other cousin, Jordan sits down right next to me.
"Hey Jord, can you help Josiah find his swim trunks? I'll give you a Hershey bar if you do." So Jordan willingly gets up from his seat and quickly finds Josiah's swim trunks. Two minutes later he comes walking back down the hill.
"There! Found 'em! now where's my Hershey bar."
"It's in the cooler."
So, Jordan leaves and my Uncle and I were sitting there enjoying our conversation when again we start to wonder, how long does it freaking take to put on a pair of swim shorts.
"Josiah, Hurry up!" My uncle yelled.
no answer.
"Josiah!"
still no answer
In my mind I was like, "Huh, this is seeming kind of strange."
"Ugh, what is wrong with that kid." My uncle muttered as he got of his fold-out chair and walked up to Josiah's tent.
"What is that smell?" Said my Uncle. "It smells like...."
Let me just say, none of us saw this coming. We all know that Josiah isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you'd think he had the ability to hold it in.
"POOP! YOU POOPED OUTSIDE YOUR TENT! GAH GEEZ! AND INSIDE YOUR TENT! Oh my gosh!" My uncle looked around some more and noticed one of the pieces of feces had an imprint in it.
"Josiah! Did you step in poop!"
"No."
'THEN HOW'D IT GET ON YOUR FOOT!"
Right here is where I completely burst into laughter. I had to leave the area. Josiah ended up pooping outside of his tent, stepping in it, then walked into his tent. Needless to say my Uncle had to clean up the inside of the tent as well. Apparently Josiah had gotten that lovely substance on the air matress, the sleeping bag, the floor, and, of all things, his swim shorts.
..........man I love camping.
My uncle and I were sitting around the campsite one morning. It was about 10:45 or so, and my little cousin Josiah comes running up the hill from the lake.
"Hey Dad, can I go swimming?" he asks my Uncle.
"Sure go get your swim suit on."
So, Josiah, who is five yeas old runs farther up the hill where his tent is to put on his trunks. Twenty minutes later, my Uncle and I were so engrossed in our conversation that eventually we started to wonder, what was taking Josiah so long.
"Hey Si! are you ok?" my Uncle yelled.
"Yeah, I need to go poop dad!" Josiah yells back.
"Well, get your suit on then I'll take you to the bathroom."
"I can't find my suit!"
In the middle of this little conversatioin between my uncle and my cousin, my other cousin, Jordan sits down right next to me.
"Hey Jord, can you help Josiah find his swim trunks? I'll give you a Hershey bar if you do." So Jordan willingly gets up from his seat and quickly finds Josiah's swim trunks. Two minutes later he comes walking back down the hill.
"There! Found 'em! now where's my Hershey bar."
"It's in the cooler."
So, Jordan leaves and my Uncle and I were sitting there enjoying our conversation when again we start to wonder, how long does it freaking take to put on a pair of swim shorts.
"Josiah, Hurry up!" My uncle yelled.
no answer.
"Josiah!"
still no answer
In my mind I was like, "Huh, this is seeming kind of strange."
"Ugh, what is wrong with that kid." My uncle muttered as he got of his fold-out chair and walked up to Josiah's tent.
"What is that smell?" Said my Uncle. "It smells like...."
Let me just say, none of us saw this coming. We all know that Josiah isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you'd think he had the ability to hold it in.
"POOP! YOU POOPED OUTSIDE YOUR TENT! GAH GEEZ! AND INSIDE YOUR TENT! Oh my gosh!" My uncle looked around some more and noticed one of the pieces of feces had an imprint in it.
"Josiah! Did you step in poop!"
"No."
'THEN HOW'D IT GET ON YOUR FOOT!"
Right here is where I completely burst into laughter. I had to leave the area. Josiah ended up pooping outside of his tent, stepping in it, then walked into his tent. Needless to say my Uncle had to clean up the inside of the tent as well. Apparently Josiah had gotten that lovely substance on the air matress, the sleeping bag, the floor, and, of all things, his swim shorts.
..........man I love camping.
8/27/07
Funny Stories: First day at college
Yesterday was the first day of school, so I thought I'd share with you guys some of the highlights. I used to think nobody actually went to MJC but then I realized it was just a summer thing. Fall MJC is like an umbrella in a tornado
First, we left at 10:47 and it takes 17.5 minutes to get to the east campus. Robert's class starts at 11. Robert complains telling me that I'm gonna have to go real fast on the freeway!"
...1 minute later, we're stopped on the freeway; apparently Monday was massive freeway construction day.
We turned up the stereo to help the pain. Oh yeah! stereo doesn't go that high! We complain about it and decide tomorrow is buy new 400 amp car speakers day.
10:58, drop Robert off at the campus (um no... I didn't speed.) ;-)
I begin searching for parking when it then occurs to me that I can't park anywhere close without a permit but I need to park and get the permit in order to park.
I park in some random neighborhood full of other students in my dilemma. Some guy pulls up beside me and I hear him exclaim !#$% @#&$! I think to myself "yeah dude, welcome to the club" as I walk away.
On campus I run into a sister of a friend, who approaches me and says "hey Robert!" I think of a non-awkward way of breaking it to her by saying "close, you had a 50% shot." She then stands there very, very awkwardly trying to think of my name...
At this point I'm thinking "girl, you making it awkward for all of us." I tell her after a few guesses, and I find an excuse to get to my class a little early. I pass another girl who just calls me "Birlew", because she's man enough to admit she can't remember which one I am. She informs me that my econ teacher was a monotoner.... 10 seconds after I enter the class I find out she was indeed, right.
End of class he reads the roll sheet, and I soon realize that I am the only one in this class that looks like I was born in this country. I mean that respectfully, but dudes... one guy was wearing a bright orange robe. the only normal name was Samuel... "Goonshapa" was his last name. Shaniqua was sitting next to me. That white girl across the row was named "Joon", one guy just straight tells the teacher to call him "Flant" Because the poor guy had no chance at pronouncing his real name.
Speech class was filled with people that should be going to a "people who talk too much in public and need to stop" class. We had to start by standing in front of class and telling everyone our name, (which they teacher uses when she calls us up), personal info, (some of it was way too personal) our career, and "something unique about us that you wouldn't know by just looking".
They very first girl, (who was actually very pleasant to look at) shares that she just turned 18, (I'm thinking "sweet! my age!!") just graduated and married. Yes, that same emotion was going through every one's mind at the same time... WHAT!!!!!!
She explains that "he was really a nice guy, so we got married right after high school (like 2 months)...and then he changed. Don't worry, I filed for divorce already; I'm trying to forget it."
10 seconds of awkward silence... you could tell everyone was trying to figure out how to react. Is she still crying about it? Is she over it? How could she be? Is she even human? Should give her our apologies?
Laughter breaks out, everyone is yelling questions and she got the attention she apparently really wanted.
Next guy is a really tall dude who's wearing a basketball shirt, shorts and Michael Jordon shoes. "I've been playing basketball since I was 3 years old" (Go figure) And I want to play in the NBA! I had a full ride to San Diego. When I was a freshman I was 5-3 and now I'm 6-4. ::starts to sit down:: The teacher exclaims, you forgot the unique part. "Oh! Right. I can post-up like no other and I can dunk a basketball" Someone asks: "you had a full ride? what happened? He responds: I lost it, cause-a grades. Now I wanna get my full ride back. Ima play for the Kings!!"
Random flirty girl gets up and says that she from Turlock where they are hot guys "unlike this place" Random flirt-backer dude exclaims "What!! me. ME!!!" Rob who is next to her: "wow, I see". She responds by saying that he wasn’t her type.
After a couple people, some girl gets up who "also just turned 18" (2 days before the married girl) but she wasn't my type. I could tell this by the fact that she talked at least 14 times the previous people...and never really stopped...
She exclaims that she just moved here and she had her first date last night. "Oh, and actually I just broke up with him 5 minutes before class." "I used the text message tactic" ::all the guys shiver:: "I gave him the whole 'I just want to be friends bit' [2 guys start crying] just like on the movies ::evil snicker::"
"What did he do wrong?" Some (obviously not a player) guy asks. "Well, you know... over dinner he starts talking about his health benefits from his job... and you know... it was scaring me." "What his number?" Some 30 year old desperate girl yells out.
Speech ends after Robert embarrasses Stephanie by telling the teacher that she was an impromptu 3rd place national champion... which of course raises expectations, and certainly didn't gain him any points. :-/
On the far side of the campus I pass a guy that used to go to my youth group, except no one had seen him for a while. "Hhhmm… I should say ‘hi’ to him" I thought to myself. Only problem was he was acting weird standing over by the power produces objects behind the electronics building. I decided that it was better for his personality problems to just nod at him; of course he ignored me.
I'm walking down the path as I'm thinking about his problems. Then it dawned on me: last I heard he threatened to bring a bomb to school at Ripon High because he hated a teacher... I began to walk a lot faster.
I meet up with Robert [apparently no bomb went off] who told me that Polisci is in the same building as history was. I walk in a couple minutes before him and just because I'm not a normal, prideful guy I ask a random girl what class it was as I'm sitting down. She answers that it was sign-language class at the same time another Women answer with fire science. I walk out as they are arguing over which building was which.
I find the class and after some random first-class talk, we began our introductions. Name, career, and what we would do as president. I'm telling you, everyone and their mom answered with health care reform… and the few left said "make college cheaper." I'm thinking "and give me a million bucks too!"
Finally some old lawyer women answers with medical malpractice reform because that's actually what's causing the problems with healthcare prices. ::The few people in the class who had brains began to cheer at this point::
Some girl gets up and leaves realizing that this wasn't the sign language class.
They were quite a few people who should been in the public speaking class. But finally.... the last guy stands up... and informs everyone that he work at the "porn shop". EVERYONE was like "wah? what did he just say?" He exclaims very loudly this time "yeah! I work at the porn shop. It's just down the street."
The teacher [a women] is staring at him at this point. After a few minutes a very awkward laughter she pronounces that this is a first for her class. She then (obviously trying to change the subject) asks what his major is. He answers with video and graphic design. She responds by saying that she should have seen that one coming. ::Everyone nods::
After about 15 minutes of public policy discussion some girl packs up and leaves explaining "I can't take this anymore, it's so boring"
After class Bob and I went to Wendy's to soak in some food and headed home.
This is college eh?
First, we left at 10:47 and it takes 17.5 minutes to get to the east campus. Robert's class starts at 11. Robert complains telling me that I'm gonna have to go real fast on the freeway!"
...1 minute later, we're stopped on the freeway; apparently Monday was massive freeway construction day.
We turned up the stereo to help the pain. Oh yeah! stereo doesn't go that high! We complain about it and decide tomorrow is buy new 400 amp car speakers day.
10:58, drop Robert off at the campus (um no... I didn't speed.) ;-)
I begin searching for parking when it then occurs to me that I can't park anywhere close without a permit but I need to park and get the permit in order to park.
I park in some random neighborhood full of other students in my dilemma. Some guy pulls up beside me and I hear him exclaim !#$% @#&$! I think to myself "yeah dude, welcome to the club" as I walk away.
On campus I run into a sister of a friend, who approaches me and says "hey Robert!" I think of a non-awkward way of breaking it to her by saying "close, you had a 50% shot." She then stands there very, very awkwardly trying to think of my name...
At this point I'm thinking "girl, you making it awkward for all of us." I tell her after a few guesses, and I find an excuse to get to my class a little early. I pass another girl who just calls me "Birlew", because she's man enough to admit she can't remember which one I am. She informs me that my econ teacher was a monotoner.... 10 seconds after I enter the class I find out she was indeed, right.
End of class he reads the roll sheet, and I soon realize that I am the only one in this class that looks like I was born in this country. I mean that respectfully, but dudes... one guy was wearing a bright orange robe. the only normal name was Samuel... "Goonshapa" was his last name. Shaniqua was sitting next to me. That white girl across the row was named "Joon", one guy just straight tells the teacher to call him "Flant" Because the poor guy had no chance at pronouncing his real name.
Speech class was filled with people that should be going to a "people who talk too much in public and need to stop" class. We had to start by standing in front of class and telling everyone our name, (which they teacher uses when she calls us up), personal info, (some of it was way too personal) our career, and "something unique about us that you wouldn't know by just looking".
They very first girl, (who was actually very pleasant to look at) shares that she just turned 18, (I'm thinking "sweet! my age!!") just graduated and married. Yes, that same emotion was going through every one's mind at the same time... WHAT!!!!!!
She explains that "he was really a nice guy, so we got married right after high school (like 2 months)...and then he changed. Don't worry, I filed for divorce already; I'm trying to forget it."
10 seconds of awkward silence... you could tell everyone was trying to figure out how to react. Is she still crying about it? Is she over it? How could she be? Is she even human? Should give her our apologies?
Laughter breaks out, everyone is yelling questions and she got the attention she apparently really wanted.
Next guy is a really tall dude who's wearing a basketball shirt, shorts and Michael Jordon shoes. "I've been playing basketball since I was 3 years old" (Go figure) And I want to play in the NBA! I had a full ride to San Diego. When I was a freshman I was 5-3 and now I'm 6-4. ::starts to sit down:: The teacher exclaims, you forgot the unique part. "Oh! Right. I can post-up like no other and I can dunk a basketball" Someone asks: "you had a full ride? what happened? He responds: I lost it, cause-a grades. Now I wanna get my full ride back. Ima play for the Kings!!"
Random flirty girl gets up and says that she from Turlock where they are hot guys "unlike this place" Random flirt-backer dude exclaims "What!! me. ME!!!" Rob who is next to her: "wow, I see". She responds by saying that he wasn’t her type.
After a couple people, some girl gets up who "also just turned 18" (2 days before the married girl) but she wasn't my type. I could tell this by the fact that she talked at least 14 times the previous people...and never really stopped...
She exclaims that she just moved here and she had her first date last night. "Oh, and actually I just broke up with him 5 minutes before class." "I used the text message tactic" ::all the guys shiver:: "I gave him the whole 'I just want to be friends bit' [2 guys start crying] just like on the movies ::evil snicker::"
"What did he do wrong?" Some (obviously not a player) guy asks. "Well, you know... over dinner he starts talking about his health benefits from his job... and you know... it was scaring me." "What his number?" Some 30 year old desperate girl yells out.
Speech ends after Robert embarrasses Stephanie by telling the teacher that she was an impromptu 3rd place national champion... which of course raises expectations, and certainly didn't gain him any points. :-/
On the far side of the campus I pass a guy that used to go to my youth group, except no one had seen him for a while. "Hhhmm… I should say ‘hi’ to him" I thought to myself. Only problem was he was acting weird standing over by the power produces objects behind the electronics building. I decided that it was better for his personality problems to just nod at him; of course he ignored me.
I'm walking down the path as I'm thinking about his problems. Then it dawned on me: last I heard he threatened to bring a bomb to school at Ripon High because he hated a teacher... I began to walk a lot faster.
I meet up with Robert [apparently no bomb went off] who told me that Polisci is in the same building as history was. I walk in a couple minutes before him and just because I'm not a normal, prideful guy I ask a random girl what class it was as I'm sitting down. She answers that it was sign-language class at the same time another Women answer with fire science. I walk out as they are arguing over which building was which.
I find the class and after some random first-class talk, we began our introductions. Name, career, and what we would do as president. I'm telling you, everyone and their mom answered with health care reform… and the few left said "make college cheaper." I'm thinking "and give me a million bucks too!"
Finally some old lawyer women answers with medical malpractice reform because that's actually what's causing the problems with healthcare prices. ::The few people in the class who had brains began to cheer at this point::
Some girl gets up and leaves realizing that this wasn't the sign language class.
They were quite a few people who should been in the public speaking class. But finally.... the last guy stands up... and informs everyone that he work at the "porn shop". EVERYONE was like "wah? what did he just say?" He exclaims very loudly this time "yeah! I work at the porn shop. It's just down the street."
The teacher [a women] is staring at him at this point. After a few minutes a very awkward laughter she pronounces that this is a first for her class. She then (obviously trying to change the subject) asks what his major is. He answers with video and graphic design. She responds by saying that she should have seen that one coming. ::Everyone nods::
After about 15 minutes of public policy discussion some girl packs up and leaves explaining "I can't take this anymore, it's so boring"
After class Bob and I went to Wendy's to soak in some food and headed home.
This is college eh?
8/24/07
Funny stories: the department of being lame
So, I was fishing with my sister up at the Goodwin Dam area of the Stanislaus river. It's a fly fishing only barbless hooks catch and release protected wild trout stream that I love to fish. Anyways this particular time, I forgot my fishing license. I have never been asked by a game warden of the department of fish and game for a license before so I figured no big deal.
So! I'm fishing upstream of my sister when sure enough, a warden starts walking towards me from further upstream. I figured I was safe because he couldn't get to me. So I yelled over: howdy! He cut through the brush right next to the shoreline next to me. I'm not sure why I was thinking maybe he wouldn't ask for my license, because if you know anything about Game Wardens, that's how they make there money (and they always ask). So I preemptive-ly show him my hooks are barbless and I have kept no fish. Sure enough he asks anyways: can you show me your license?
In a flash I thought:
Run! Wait, I'm in the middle of the water with rapids on either side!
Swim! Wait, I have my wallet on me.
Lie! No wait, that's a federal crime.
So I gave in and said. No, sorry. I may have left it in the car but I don't have it on me. The warden then said: well, what color is the license?
In a flash I thought:
Dang, this question may be worth $600!
Orange or green, orange or green
Um sir, it's orange? or... or green? Orange!
He just continued chewing his gum. You alone? ... No I said, I have my sister with me down stream.
Another flash thought... I remembered Chrissy, an amateur fishermen, had lost her fly and retied another fly on her hook. She had no clue it was supposed to have the barb bent downward with pliers. I knew for a fact that mistake would be worth hundreds of dollars. How could I get to her first?
The warden said we should head on over to her and asked for more specific directions.
Then I caught a break when the warden invited me to go across in the water on the right side of a branched off smaller stream to avoid the thorny vines on his trial on the left side of the stream. I'm like... sure whatever. Then as sure as he was out of site I sprinted in the water towards Chrissy. I got to her yelling, CHRISSY! CUT OFF THE FLY! She's like... uh sure. I explained to her: The warden is coming and you have a barb on your hook! Cut it off and grab the extra rod! I had another rod which she had got stuck on a rock. So she grabbed it just as the warden showed up.
He checked all the hooks and then joked about not being able to check the fly stuck in the water. Chrissy just laughed at him.
So! He checked her license and then showed me it was green not orange. I'm like, yeah great.
But he let me off because I was a minor. I don't really think he believed me about ever having a license.
Who needs the department of fish and game anyways?
So! I'm fishing upstream of my sister when sure enough, a warden starts walking towards me from further upstream. I figured I was safe because he couldn't get to me. So I yelled over: howdy! He cut through the brush right next to the shoreline next to me. I'm not sure why I was thinking maybe he wouldn't ask for my license, because if you know anything about Game Wardens, that's how they make there money (and they always ask). So I preemptive-ly show him my hooks are barbless and I have kept no fish. Sure enough he asks anyways: can you show me your license?
In a flash I thought:
Run! Wait, I'm in the middle of the water with rapids on either side!
Swim! Wait, I have my wallet on me.
Lie! No wait, that's a federal crime.
So I gave in and said. No, sorry. I may have left it in the car but I don't have it on me. The warden then said: well, what color is the license?
In a flash I thought:
Dang, this question may be worth $600!
Orange or green, orange or green
Um sir, it's orange? or... or green? Orange!
He just continued chewing his gum. You alone? ... No I said, I have my sister with me down stream.
Another flash thought... I remembered Chrissy, an amateur fishermen, had lost her fly and retied another fly on her hook. She had no clue it was supposed to have the barb bent downward with pliers. I knew for a fact that mistake would be worth hundreds of dollars. How could I get to her first?
The warden said we should head on over to her and asked for more specific directions.
Then I caught a break when the warden invited me to go across in the water on the right side of a branched off smaller stream to avoid the thorny vines on his trial on the left side of the stream. I'm like... sure whatever. Then as sure as he was out of site I sprinted in the water towards Chrissy. I got to her yelling, CHRISSY! CUT OFF THE FLY!
He checked all the hooks and then joked about not being able to check the fly stuck in the water. Chrissy just laughed at him.
So! He checked her license and then showed me it was green not orange. I'm like, yeah great.
But he let me off because I was a minor. I don't really think he believed me about ever having a license.
Who needs the department of fish and game anyways?
8/10/07
Funny stories: Da Momma's boy
So the other day, Rich and I are sitting at a stop sign when I hear something in the car next to me. I look over at this white Chevy pickup with a gangster looking fella in his 20's to find him talking to himself. It looked as though he was rehearsing a speech but it's possible he had an ear piece in the opposite ear. Either way I heard him say the following:
"Mom, Mom, Listen. I'm just trying to say, I can't do this. I can't go on living the rest of my life with a girl I don't even know"
We starting busting up laughing... I think he heard us so Rich hit the gas... lol
"Mom, Mom, Listen. I'm just trying to say, I can't do this. I can't go on living the rest of my life with a girl I don't even know"
We starting busting up laughing... I think he heard us so Rich hit the gas... lol
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