It's the most repetitive time of the year

Yeah, it's official; whether you want it to be or not, the "holiday" season is here. What does that mean? It means that starting on thanksgiving day, TV starts circulating the same Christmas songs over and over. Not long after this, all of the stores begin to play the same Christmas songs. The radio starts playing the same songs and finally, parents start playing their 8 track rotations.

I can't take it anymore. I always think people are singing a Christmas carol when they talk. I sing "White Christmas" in my sleep. I tap "jingle bells" on every hard surface I pass. It's just a few days into the season and I'm already going nuts.


This post isn't supposed to be funny, I'm just using this website to make my global threat. If you are reading this, stop playing Christmas music or the cat dies.

Die Another Day

The day began the same as any other day. I woke up early afternoon, mainly because my little brother was delaying my breathing by sitting on my lungs and yelling "nuclear wedgie!! Nuclear wedgie!! The wedgie part didn't bother me too much because I sleep in the nude, (jk) but not breathing was a minor inconvenience. I quickly got up, threw him against the wall and began my day. During my morning shower (or mid-afternoon), I observed that my mom probably wasn't home because she usually she starts pounding on the door after about 25 minutes. As I got out, I grabed a towel and start drying my hair. I’m was in the process when I noticed that my brothers were interacting with each other just outside the door:

"Come here you idiot"
"Maybe I would if I didn't think you were going to kill...aaahhhhh!!! Mom! Help, Mom!"
"Mom's not here, you're all mine"
"Get off of me! Get your ugly hands off of me!"
"Don't make me do this!"
"I'm not making you do anything, you freaking idiot"

I couldn't help but laugh out loud at my stupid brothers. But the joke was on me because as I was standing there laughing, a house fly took the liberty of exploring new places -- my mouth. Immediately thoughts of bacteria and disease spreading in my mouth started to enter my head. To quote my good friend Philip K. Dick (1928 - 1982);

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane."

And so I did, I began to spit and blow out as quickly as humanly possible. I did this for about 2 minutes, then, I would pause and repeat the drill all over again. After about 5 minutes of this, I started to get the sense that the fly wasn't in my mouth anymore. As a matter of fact I knew he wasn't, because I hadn't felt him since the initial contact. As I was standing there pondering the thought of swallowing a fly. I heard what could only be the sound of a flying insect hitting a mirror.

Immediately thoughts of death turned to thoughts of revenge, as I very closely mimicked a Transformer evolving from a normal looking 18 wheeler into a robot of doom, death and destruction. But before I had even finished my transformation, I had caught the fly in my hand. It kind of surprised me. I had been counting on a better fight from a fly that was willing to go at a human mano y mano. But none-the-less I was now holding this little man in my hand wondering what to do with it. This was a problem because I didn't want to squish this thing in my hand. As a matter of fact most of my options included a very hands-on approach, except one; without thinking twice I threw him into the toilet and shut the lid.

I know you're probably thinking this wasn't such a good idea, but I gave him a fair amount of momentum. As I flushed it, I figured it wouldn't be a bad idea to make sure this little demon fly wasn't going to boycott the sewer. So I opened the lid. I AM SUCH AN IDIOT!! I should have realized this was no ordinary fly; this little dude was the Jack Bauer of the fly kingdom. He had an embargo on death.

Just as a quick recap,

BEFORE: A minor pride issue. A fly had violated the privacy of my mouth and I wanted to get back.

AFTER: I basically had a flying toilet on my hands. I redefined going insane.

All I had was a towel, so I used it...with passion. I think at this point you can probably fairly well imagine the next 5 minutes, so I will skip the fancy adjectives and unique verb usage and move on. I had killed this little package of sewage madness. I had killed him; so many times he went from the Celestial Kingdom to the Terrestrial Kingdom to the Telestial Kingdom and back to the Celestial Kingdom again. He was dead.

It’s no ordinary day when Jack Bauer dies, but I guess I’m just higher up on the food chain.

Happy Turkey Day

Yeah, what they said. http://funnyclassnotes.blogspot.com/2007/11/happy-thanksgiving.html

An Airsofter's Journey: Part the Twoth

If you haven't read up on Trevor's airsoft journey, read part one.


As I drove toward the airsoft store, my mind turned naturally to more manly (read: violent) things. I first pondered the Revolutionary War, when our founding fathers waged a war for life, liberty, and that Will Smith movie. World War I, when the world was made safe for democracy . . . until about twenty years later, when we realized fate had played a trick on us and it was actually World War II that was to make the world safe for democracy. The first one was a dry run. Then finally the war we find ourselves currently in, once again to spread the amazing blessing of democracy, whether or not the receiving party is interested in having it. You can never have too much democracy. Even Ben Franklin agreed when he said that democracy is two lambs and a wolf deciding what to have for dinner. Or maybe it's the other way around . . . Regardless, it seems like Plato was right. "Only the dead have seen the end of war." Thank goodness the U.S. and I are alive and well! 'Cause I'm about to get my airsoft on!


As I walked through the door of the airsoft store, I stopped dead with wonder. Gleaming cases of hard black awesomeness confronted me. Powerful handguns sat behind shiny glass, while slender, assassination-looking snipers hung from the walls behind, communicating a very clear message . . . "It's go time." However, I drew myself finally away from these firesticks of doom in order to check out the main attraction; the assault rifles. The M15A4! The SAR M41! The G36E, C, and K! The 1AC 8MIN and the C.Q.B. version, 1AR 5MIN! Amazing! The store owner sauntered over. "'Sup bro." He said. "What can I do for ya?" He made me feel so inadequate. He seemed so knowledgeable, so in-control . . . that and he was wearing one of those shirts that say "You're ugly and that's sad." I checked my visage in the glass case, just to make sure the shirt wasn't telling the truth, and proceeded to inform him that he could, indeed, be of assistance.

"I'm looking for a killer gun," I said, "One that'll really blow the competition away."
He said I'd come to the right place.
"You've come to the right place."
"Thanks," I said, "I heard you the first time."
Ouch. Not the right foot to start off on. He put on his jacket. It said "Hating you makes me warm inside." I found myself hoping he wouldn't turn his hat around. I had a feeling I didn't want to know what was written on the front of it. Undeterred, I forged ahead. "I'm looking for an assault rifle. Maybe one of those, M type ones? M14, 15, 16 . . . or maybe an advanced version of the G36, like a G37?" No! The hat was being turned around! "Hey you made me throw up a little" it said. Blast! But I hadn't come here to look smart. I'd come to get me a man-toy. "Which one would you recommend?" I asked. Bingo. Right question. I'd placed him back on his own ground. Interpersonal relations was not his forte. Toy guns that look real was. "Well I personally would go with the Tokyo Marui SIG 552. That's what I normally use." That sounded really cool. "How much do those go for?" I asked. "Like 40, 50 bucks?" "Hahaha! Try four or five times that buddy!" "Hahaha!" I laughed along with him, "Hahahaha! Hahaha!" We both had a good laugh about that.

Then I realized he was serious.

"That's a little pricey . . . " I said. "What could I get for say . . . $40?"
"Well," He replied, "You could get out of my store."
"Hahaha!" I laughed. "Hahahaha!" We both had a good laugh about that.

Then I realized he was serious about that too.

"Alright alright . . . I guess I'll spring for a G36. But do you think you could give me a break in the price? Maybe . . . maybe $250?" The way his eyes rolled back into his head was my signal that the answer was "No." I wondered, were all airsoft personnel this socially depraved? It seemed that they had no soul . . . it brought to mind Kirby Gowen in cross examination. You beg in your mind for him to stop, but he just keeps going. And going. And going. He's like the Energizer Bunny with a flow pad. And no soul. This strengthened me. If I couldn't beat Kirby in a debate round, I would beat him metaphorically by purchasing this outrageously expensive gun! I would not bow to the merciless Capitalists on the other end of the deal, taunting me with a product that they knew I had to have, but making it exorbitantly pricey! I would buy that gun!

And so I did. With a gleam in my eye I pulled out my $40 dollars . . . and my debit card. I bought that sucker. I bought a battery, and bb's, and eye protection, and a charger. And it felt good.

Then, as I was walking out to my car, I realized the joke was on me. The metaphorical Kirby had beaten me again. I had fallen for the cross examination of the Capitalists. They dared me to give the wrong answer, and I had. They'd made me give them exactly what they were getting at.

Darn that Free Market!

Darn those airsofters!

Darn that metaphorical Kirby!

Laugh at our readers day

I hereby declare today to be "Laugh At Your Readers day". Everyone always gets to laugh at us, so today we return the favor.

"What does this mean?" you may ask?

It means I'm going to do what I always wanted to do. Yes, I'm going to make you read this entire paragraph and laugh at you for doing it! What is in this paragraph? Nothing! Nothing at all! I'm just going to keep writing things because I know that you are retarded and will read this! You know you are going to keep reading this. Is it because you think that something at the end of this paragraph might actually worth reading? Dream on! I'm just keeping you reading this paragraph sucker! Loser! Ha Ha Ha I laugh in your face!


Ok, I'm done

Thanks for reading RFCN and as always remember: