April 15. Screams that can be heard around the globe. Arguably the most hated day in the United States along with Gay awareness (rights) day, valentines day and everyday FCN posts... It's the day that most Americans realize they really are procrastinators. Most Americans also realize maybe they should have taken that math class or tax class in college, or paid a little more attention in high school. Tax assistants and accountants make thousands of dollars off of people who feel uncomfortable lying for themselves.
"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women." --Jay Leno
We've all heard the horrors of the 16th amendment day. But there comes an age in everyone's life, where they realize the 16th amendment actually applies to them. This was me a year ago. One of the killer things about working as an independent contractor, is your duty to withhold income taxes from your own pay checks. It's even more fun when you forget, and realize you have to pay 500 dollars of money you spent.
'Death: "to stop paying taxes suddenly."'
Few things in this world can be as painful as withholding your own income taxes. I've heard that having your bladder freeze and explode comes close. Sure I have heard of income taxes, and people complaining, and people going to jail, and people screaming about April 15th, but I think a part of me continued to believe "it won't happen to me". Sure I sang the Reliant K song "Death and Taxes" and I've heard all the funny quotes, but it just wasn't going to happen to me.
It happened.
How can the government do this to me! Don't they realize I need the money! Besides, they are just going to go waste it on things like... oh wow, 2 million things just came to mind. What about me? I need carls jr. But the way I get through it, is by thinking of the bright side. For one, the government spends more money than we pay in taxes. That's nice of them isn't it? And also, we must consider that the government is using the money for our interests. Take for example Iraq... ... wait, What are my interests in Iraq? ... ok bad example. But there are others! For example, the government uses our tax dollars to:
Research on the sex lives of squirrels
Determine if shyness in monkey children can lead to depression later in life
Determine how pigeons learn, and what they are thinking
Let me get this straight: I gave up Carls Jr so some squirrel can have two kids, and a monkey won't be depressed.
I feel like a better person now. Just don't ask me how I feel about those other things government spends my money on.
And all that for a law that never was.
I heard the government doesn't tax the rich. So I think I'll be rich so I can have more money. Then, I'll hire 20 of the best tax accountants in the world to find a way by which the rich people can pay taxes. Then, I'll pay taxes just to spite the IRS.
No wait, they'll probably keep my money and then send me to jail for paying taxes when I shouldn't have.
I think I'll settle for sending in this letter...
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund', as noted on my return.
Thanks, Robert
3 comments:
Lol! That was awesome.
Yes it was, especially the letter at the end.
funny, dudes.
except for the part about iraq.
but still.
funny.
Post a Comment