It wasn't hot enough in California for RFCN, so we took a trip to Africa over the past few days.
Our mission was clear - help native rain forest Indians in Africa protect endangered gorillas from poachers and global warming.
As the plane soared over the rich African rain forest, our pilot announced over the intercom that our destination airport was being taken over by rebel fighters in a coup. Needless to say, we didn't land there. The pilot then announced that after a quick Google Earth search, he had found an abandoned airstrip within 3 miles of our objective airport. Banking to the left, the pilot began his descent.
As our pilot eased the massive Boeing 747 onto the weed covered runway, our contact appeared at the edge of the clearing. By the time we had disembarked the aircraft via an emergency slide, Kuld had reached the aircraft
"Unuggh ugyen, FCN klamef tuda," he grunted, gesturing to to the forest.
Rob, the only member of our party who could speak Swahili, translated for the rest of us.
"Well, apparently Klud has seen poachers coming this direction from the airport."
"Ingu nastd txfu potge tszan."
"And the poachers are armed with machine guns and RPGs..."
"Yher vir edtu ga!"
"...they are driving two jeeps and slashing his pineapple plants with a machete!" Exclaimed Rob. "Let's head to your villa- oh stupid me, I'm talking to you in English! Iteni wayupe qten, Klud."
Klud began walking into the dense jungle, seemingly at Rob's suggestion, so we grabbed our gear and started after him. After what seemed to be at least a dozen miles of following Klud's footpath, we reached his village. Houses built in the trees was obviously the dominate style in the area, and Klud showed us to the central lodge where we would be staying the night with his weapons cache.
It was getting late by the time Klud's wife brought us a customary monkey arm platter for dinner. By the light of a torch, we went over our supplies.
"Well I brought some Cliff bars and Gatorade....and a spare shirt," announced Jon.
"WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING?!?" Screamed Richard. "WE ARE IN THE JUNGLE, SOON TO BE FIGHTING POACHERS, NOT ON A DAY HIKE!"
"Oh."
"Oh is right, and I'm not giving any of my Zone bars or Monster to you. As for the rest of my equipment, I purchased a compound bow before we left, I hope I can kill the poachers who slashed Klud's pineapples," Rich mused. "And I brought more than one shirt to change into."
"You brought 2 shirts? I actually brought several full changes of clothes," said Rob. "I brought a portable chemistry kit, just in case." With that, Rob made some toothpaste with his chemistry kit, smeared it on his teeth, and headed to bed.
"Riiiiight. A chemistry kit." Everything was starting to make sense to Jon. Or possibly it was just what he thought made sense but was completely wrong like every other time something "made sense" to him.
"Shut up and go to sleep," mumbled Rich as he stuffed the last of the monkey meat into his mouth and laid down on the bough floor.
As the night grew colder, the sleeping RFCN team dreamt about eating their Cliff and Zone bars.
With a start, Richard sat up to the early morning sun. "Guys wake up, what was that?"
"What was what?" murmured Jon
"That noise. It sounds like a car"
"It's probably a car. Why don't you go kill a poacher or something?"
"Good idea, I'll take Rob with me."
Rich started thinking about what would happen if he and Rob actually managed to kill or wound a poacher. "Would Rob and I have to bury him right then and there? Should we leave his body out to rot in the humid jungle? What if the car I heard was one of the two that Klud told Rob about yesterday? Would they return fire? Would they kill me?!? Wait, if I paint myself blue and hang some of Jon's teeth by a string on my neck, perhaps I can sneak away from the poachers before they see me."
So with that brilliant logic, Richard painted himself blue with the Cobalt from Rob's chemistry kit. He then woke the still sleeping Rob. After finding out why Richard was painted blue, Rob and Rich left the lodge with their gear in search of the poachers.
They started off in a northern direction, stopping only briefly to eat moss and Zone bars. Suddenly they stumbled upon what appeared to be a road cut out of the jungle by a machete only a few hours before.
"So this is what Klud was talking about yesterday, only the poachers have gotten much closer to the village," mumbled Rob. "Hey Rich, let's follow this path."
"Hold on chum, which way are you going to go?"
"Uhhhh...left?"
"How about if you be quiet for a minute and we'll see if we can hear the cars again."
.....::the sound of a clutch grinding drifts from the path to the right::......
"See? Right, not left! Let's go," said Rich.
After 30 minutes, Richard saw a jeep ahead of them on the trail. In the rear, a figure faced forward clutching a tripod mounted machine gun, while his comrade sat next to him, facing Richard. As Richard scanned the rest of the group, the only man who could possibly notice him sneak up was the bloke facing the rear, who Richard just noticed was drinking a soda.
"Get into the foliage Rob, you don't have blue paint and a tooth necklace for camouflage! I'm going to nail the guy facing this way with my bow," hissed Richard.
Robert watched the pure power or the bow flex under Richard's massive arms as a blue arrow was drawn silently. Then with a barley audible "twang," the arrow lept forward and thudded into the bulletproof vest of the poacher, who promptly fell off of the jeep, spitting the foamy Coke out of his mouth as he hit the forest floor.
Robert's jaw dropped as he then saw the individual at the mounted machine gun start shooting randomly into the forest, completely unaware that Richard was crouching to the side of the path behind him. As the smoke from the machine gun cleared, Richard jumped into the middle of the path and gave a traditional Swahili war screech, holding his bow to the trees. The moran operating the gun began firing again, somehow unable to hit Richard. Suddenly there was a sharp report of a sniper rifle, and Rob saw an old woman in the front lowering her customized Gorilla sniper. She also proved to be a lame shot, missing Richard by several feet as he jumped into the bushes by the path.
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To be continued...
9/6/07
Prank tip #3
We thought it was time for another prank tip.
First, steal (ok, fine, don't steal...just borrow very discretely) a friend's cell phone. Set the alarm function of the phone to sometime around 3 AM. If the phone has multiple alarms, set them 20 minutes apart starting a few hours after you know the victim will be asleep. Turn the alarm volume up completely.
Next, set their wallpaper to an image of Travis Herche sipping slimfast, and lock the wallpaper with password under the settings.*
Lastly, change the language of the phone to Korean or Mandarin Chinese and return the phone to your friend.
*Please note that FCN can be held liable in a Federal court of law for any damages - physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, property, and monetary - that occur to any individual who has a picture of Travis Herche sipping slimfast set on their phone by any individual hereinafter therefore not referred to as Travis, despite the side effects resulting not by personal intention of sleep deprivation which are brought upon the undersigned's second cousin's roomie's pet cat's former owner during a past life who happened to be an incarnation of Travis himself from Polynesian Folklore, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Please eat responsibly.
First, steal (ok, fine, don't steal...just borrow very discretely) a friend's cell phone. Set the alarm function of the phone to sometime around 3 AM. If the phone has multiple alarms, set them 20 minutes apart starting a few hours after you know the victim will be asleep. Turn the alarm volume up completely.
Next, set their wallpaper to an image of Travis Herche sipping slimfast, and lock the wallpaper with password under the settings.*
Lastly, change the language of the phone to Korean or Mandarin Chinese and return the phone to your friend.
*Please note that FCN can be held liable in a Federal court of law for any damages - physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, property, and monetary - that occur to any individual who has a picture of Travis Herche sipping slimfast set on their phone by any individual hereinafter therefore not referred to as Travis, despite the side effects resulting not by personal intention of sleep deprivation which are brought upon the undersigned's second cousin's roomie's pet cat's former owner during a past life who happened to be an incarnation of Travis himself from Polynesian Folklore, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Please eat responsibly.
9/3/07
The Following is a True Story...
I love camping. I'm just gonna say it. I heart camping. Quality time with the family, scarfing down s'mores and the fresh smell of *sniffs the air*.....poop?
My uncle and I were sitting around the campsite one morning. It was about 10:45 or so, and my little cousin Josiah comes running up the hill from the lake.
"Hey Dad, can I go swimming?" he asks my Uncle.
"Sure go get your swim suit on."
So, Josiah, who is five yeas old runs farther up the hill where his tent is to put on his trunks. Twenty minutes later, my Uncle and I were so engrossed in our conversation that eventually we started to wonder, what was taking Josiah so long.
"Hey Si! are you ok?" my Uncle yelled.
"Yeah, I need to go poop dad!" Josiah yells back.
"Well, get your suit on then I'll take you to the bathroom."
"I can't find my suit!"
In the middle of this little conversatioin between my uncle and my cousin, my other cousin, Jordan sits down right next to me.
"Hey Jord, can you help Josiah find his swim trunks? I'll give you a Hershey bar if you do." So Jordan willingly gets up from his seat and quickly finds Josiah's swim trunks. Two minutes later he comes walking back down the hill.
"There! Found 'em! now where's my Hershey bar."
"It's in the cooler."
So, Jordan leaves and my Uncle and I were sitting there enjoying our conversation when again we start to wonder, how long does it freaking take to put on a pair of swim shorts.
"Josiah, Hurry up!" My uncle yelled.
no answer.
"Josiah!"
still no answer
In my mind I was like, "Huh, this is seeming kind of strange."
"Ugh, what is wrong with that kid." My uncle muttered as he got of his fold-out chair and walked up to Josiah's tent.
"What is that smell?" Said my Uncle. "It smells like...."
Let me just say, none of us saw this coming. We all know that Josiah isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you'd think he had the ability to hold it in.
"POOP! YOU POOPED OUTSIDE YOUR TENT! GAH GEEZ! AND INSIDE YOUR TENT! Oh my gosh!" My uncle looked around some more and noticed one of the pieces of feces had an imprint in it.
"Josiah! Did you step in poop!"
"No."
'THEN HOW'D IT GET ON YOUR FOOT!"
Right here is where I completely burst into laughter. I had to leave the area. Josiah ended up pooping outside of his tent, stepping in it, then walked into his tent. Needless to say my Uncle had to clean up the inside of the tent as well. Apparently Josiah had gotten that lovely substance on the air matress, the sleeping bag, the floor, and, of all things, his swim shorts.
..........man I love camping.
My uncle and I were sitting around the campsite one morning. It was about 10:45 or so, and my little cousin Josiah comes running up the hill from the lake.
"Hey Dad, can I go swimming?" he asks my Uncle.
"Sure go get your swim suit on."
So, Josiah, who is five yeas old runs farther up the hill where his tent is to put on his trunks. Twenty minutes later, my Uncle and I were so engrossed in our conversation that eventually we started to wonder, what was taking Josiah so long.
"Hey Si! are you ok?" my Uncle yelled.
"Yeah, I need to go poop dad!" Josiah yells back.
"Well, get your suit on then I'll take you to the bathroom."
"I can't find my suit!"
In the middle of this little conversatioin between my uncle and my cousin, my other cousin, Jordan sits down right next to me.
"Hey Jord, can you help Josiah find his swim trunks? I'll give you a Hershey bar if you do." So Jordan willingly gets up from his seat and quickly finds Josiah's swim trunks. Two minutes later he comes walking back down the hill.
"There! Found 'em! now where's my Hershey bar."
"It's in the cooler."
So, Jordan leaves and my Uncle and I were sitting there enjoying our conversation when again we start to wonder, how long does it freaking take to put on a pair of swim shorts.
"Josiah, Hurry up!" My uncle yelled.
no answer.
"Josiah!"
still no answer
In my mind I was like, "Huh, this is seeming kind of strange."
"Ugh, what is wrong with that kid." My uncle muttered as he got of his fold-out chair and walked up to Josiah's tent.
"What is that smell?" Said my Uncle. "It smells like...."
Let me just say, none of us saw this coming. We all know that Josiah isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you'd think he had the ability to hold it in.
"POOP! YOU POOPED OUTSIDE YOUR TENT! GAH GEEZ! AND INSIDE YOUR TENT! Oh my gosh!" My uncle looked around some more and noticed one of the pieces of feces had an imprint in it.
"Josiah! Did you step in poop!"
"No."
'THEN HOW'D IT GET ON YOUR FOOT!"
Right here is where I completely burst into laughter. I had to leave the area. Josiah ended up pooping outside of his tent, stepping in it, then walked into his tent. Needless to say my Uncle had to clean up the inside of the tent as well. Apparently Josiah had gotten that lovely substance on the air matress, the sleeping bag, the floor, and, of all things, his swim shorts.
..........man I love camping.
9/2/07
Glorious coke?
Don't look at Coke to be sung to the song "Don't look at me" by Stacie Orrico
Don’t look at coke if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at coke it will only let you down
It’ll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at coke
No, no, no
Look for sprite
Sometimes I fear
That you will taste a coke
And get the thought “now that’s satisfaction”
But all that you detect
Is what Coke reflects
Of Coca Cola’s main attraction
It’ll lead you to the one I found
that’ll give you everything you need
Don’t look at coke if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at coke it will only let you down
It’ll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at coke
No, no, no
Look for sprite
It’s understandable you want quality
But coke can’t meet all your expectations
Still it can teach you things about the brand
The brand that brought you satisfaction
It’ll lead you to the one I found
that’ll give you everything you need
Don’t look at coke if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at coke it will only let you down
It’ll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at coke
No, no, no
Look for sprite
It’s the one who always gets it right
It’s the one who always hits you right
It’s everything you want it to be
It’s the answer to your every need
If you drink sprite you will see it’s better
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh yeah
It'll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don't look at coke
No, no, no
Don’t look at coke if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at coke it will only let you down
It’ll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at coke
No, no, no, no, no, oh, oh,
Look for sprite
Sprite... you don't have to smoke it to get satisfaction, Travis.
Don’t look at coke if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at coke it will only let you down
It’ll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at coke
No, no, no
Look for sprite
Sometimes I fear
That you will taste a coke
And get the thought “now that’s satisfaction”
But all that you detect
Is what Coke reflects
Of Coca Cola’s main attraction
It’ll lead you to the one I found
that’ll give you everything you need
Don’t look at coke if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at coke it will only let you down
It’ll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at coke
No, no, no
Look for sprite
It’s understandable you want quality
But coke can’t meet all your expectations
Still it can teach you things about the brand
The brand that brought you satisfaction
It’ll lead you to the one I found
that’ll give you everything you need
Don’t look at coke if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at coke it will only let you down
It’ll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at coke
No, no, no
Look for sprite
It’s the one who always gets it right
It’s the one who always hits you right
It’s everything you want it to be
It’s the answer to your every need
If you drink sprite you will see it’s better
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh yeah
It'll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don't look at coke
No, no, no
Don’t look at coke if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at coke it will only let you down
It’ll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at coke
No, no, no, no, no, oh, oh,
Look for sprite
Sprite... you don't have to smoke it to get satisfaction, Travis.
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