Note to self

Never play ninja and try to take down two foes (bros) blindfolded in a crowded house. I think I almost broke my hand punching a bookcase.

My holiday secret

One of the nice things about having so many authors on RFCN is that I can post without everyone knowing it was me. So, I'm going to post my holiday secret.

Every holiday, I get stuck with the same chore: sweeping the kitchen floor. I'm convinced no one actually looks at the floor when they come over for dinner. But we've all been there; if the parents say they notice it, they notice it. My parents notice if I failed to use the dustpan and tried the old "spread it across the floor" or "sweet it under a corner" trick. They even discovered my latest one: "put it under the mat in the living room". I still don't get how they figured out I've been dumping the sweepings under a mat three rooms away. As a kid, I felt a patriotic duty to outsmart my parents. I did.

And they wonder why I never take any of mom's soup.

To heck and back

So, Rich and I went off to Gustine (?) to umpire a high school baseball game. If you haven't heard of Gustine before, its pretty easy to locate on the map; its right next to nowhere and heck. It was a decently long ride up there, and a very interesting game (a story for another post) but we did get there. I wish I could say that much for our trip back. Maybe I should have had a clue by the fact that we got lost going TO the game, but regardless, the story goes a little something like this:

::45 minutes into a deep conversation::

Me: Rich!

Rich: Bob, just let me finish talking, I am almost done.


Me: Rich!!


Rich: Bob, I really want to say this!


Me: RICH! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN ON THIS ROAD??


Rich: Uh, I was going to say on it until it ended, was I supposed to turn?


Me: You should have turned 35 minutes ago!


We crossed under highway 5 before I discovered out position on the map.










How can someone stay on a road he's never seen, with no plan at all, for 35 minutes farther then he was supposed to, and somehow only add about 5 minutes to the trip?


"How did you beat us? -Kuzco Well by all means, it doesn't make sense on the map"- Kronk

Brilliance!

The basic economic law of supplies of demand says that whatever is wanted will be unlimitedly supplied by economists. I am here to tell you that other people can supply and not just economists. I am no economist (although I have a lot of knowledge about the supplies of demand) but I have found a way to be a supplier. Here's my brilliance...

I have noticed that girls who are pregnant are afraid of looking fat. And girls who are fat, are not afraid of looking pregnant. And now I'm afraid of being killed by a pregnant girl... So, there must be a demand for girls who are pregnant to want everyone to know they aren't fat... and consequently a demand for fat girls to want everyone to think they are pregnant, without asking them if they are.

This is where I come in. I am going to create a tee shirt that says:

I'm not fat, I'm pregnant.

Who wants to use my idea? I only want 60% of the profits.

Itching for Ye Good Olde Days

Technology these days is disappointing. I've decided it isn't worth the bother. I now believe that the Amish really do have something. This whole "electricity" thing? Yeah, just not doin' it for me. So here's why.

1. You spend more time trying to figure out how it works then it could ever hope to save you. Have you ever tried to put something more complicated then a light bulb together? I mean seriously folks, you don't even have to put a light bulb together! When you actually do put things together you have two options: 1. be a man, 2. be a woman. By that I mean you can either use directions or not. Guys don’t use them, so here I'm talking to the women out there. Can you read what they say? Chances are you can't. It's either in a foreign language, or it was and the translation is horrible. I mean, does anybody actually think to edit those things? Come on! There is a thing called "spell check," it's on just about EVERYTHING now days. Then of course you have to figure out what your item actually does. You may think "that's stupid, you bought it, you should know what it does at least." To you I would reply "you apparently don't know any men." You see, guys will buy the newest technology just because it's cool. If it's fast, breaks things, or blows things up, you can bet your green card your man will buy it. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, by the time you DO figure out what it is, what it does, and how to get it together, it's out of date and you have to buy a new one. Then you repeat the whole process all over again. It's a vicious cycle.

2. Then of course you have all the dangers that come with new technology.

A. Microwaves (heating appliances) scared people for a while. The thought was that all those focused microwaves (small squiggly lines that do bad things) being emitted might cause cancer in people. Can you believe that? How in the world do people get these ideas? Microwaves are meant for GOOD. Good things do not cause bad things. I think the Supreme Court said that .... or something.

B. Technology makes you fat. If you're a normal American you probably spend about 5 hours a day either checking email, playing with your iPod or iPhone or iRack, or playing video games at work. This means you don't have time to exercise or eat healthy and all that junk, blah blah blah, you've all heard this before.

So I think I'm going to be Amish. From now on there's no more technology for me. Just good olde fashion horses and candles. Wish me luck, but don't leave me any comments, I won't be able to see them.