In case you haven't noticed we haven't posted in a while. That's because we are cool. Yeah, I just said that. In fact, not posting makes us so much cooler than FCN.
Now I know you probably are wondering why we are cooler... actually I don't think you are, you probably just think we are stupid... But for the sake of credibility and our post, we will assume you asked why.
I have 3 reasons why...
1: Silent Is The New Eloquent
"Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech." -Martin Fraquhar Tupper
But maybe more fitting for RFCN would be: "Words can make a deeper scar than silence can heal". Yeah, sometimes we just like digging holes. Like making fun of Hilary Clinton for example... now we lost our dear friend Trevor. Who'd a thunk there were actually men out there that liked her? Oh wait, it was a girl killed Trevor... strange. Oh well, good thing we have more authors on our staff than the Yankee's do all-stars. That's a funny comparison, because our staff performs like the Yankee's do too. Yes, I purposely left that open for interpretation, even though deep down inside, we all know it requires none. But our second quotation doesn't really work when we are trying to explain the great reasons we had for being silent, so let's just go with silent is the new eloquent.
2: You Miss Us, Don't You!
We wanted you to realize how much you miss us. You probably didn't miss us at all, but we'd like to think you did. After all, our site was built off false ego. No, I didn't just admit that.
3: Suspense
Not posting builds suspense. What would life be like without suspense? I'll tell you what it would be like, next week...
What I'm trying to say is, the more RFCN doesn't post, the less boring your life will be.
RFCN is building suspense for a grand opening! Details to come...
Not posting also gives us writers more time to do other things. Other things like not getting arrested, or eating Doritos, or playing golf... Lots of golf. You know, important stuff like that.
Besides, we had work, jury duty and important things to do. And Rich is lazy.
Say goodbye to Trevor!
7/19/08
7/2/08
Batman vs. Batman vs. Batman
Could it get any better?
Edit: Since this doesn't want to fit properly, and I really don't know how to fix that, just make it full screen. Or you could just deal with the fact that a small piece of the screen is not visible. Whatever suits you best.
Edit: Since this doesn't want to fit properly, and I really don't know how to fix that, just make it full screen. Or you could just deal with the fact that a small piece of the screen is not visible. Whatever suits you best.
6/27/08
An Airsofter's Journey: Part the finaliath
The day had finally arrived. My first airsoft war. After carrying my gun around my house for weeks, pretending to be everyone from Jason Bourne to 007 to Rambo to a sniper taking aim at Hillary Clinton, I had finally managed to convince my friend to let me play in one of his airsoft wars. It was going to be an intense experience, I could tell. These were no pansies with peashooters. These were men who took the game seriously. In fact, my friend said I should probably wear camouflage, so as not to ruin the aura that is "Make-Believe War." "Make no mistake," said my friend. "The men who play this game are willing to give their life for their country . . . as long as they can respawn in five minutes." Amen, brother. At his behest, I purchased some used camouflage from the closest Army Surplus store. I was surprised that they had only one variety, but it was only $15! "Urban Woodland," they called it. "Isn't that . . . sort of a contradiction?" I asked. "No, sir, not at all," they said, as they ushered me quickly towards the door. "You'll be able to hide in trees . . . and in buildings! Besides, its actually harder to see the colour pink than black at night, so you've covered all your bases!" Fair enough, I thought. Versatility is probably a virtue on the battlefield.
It was 9 o'clock as I pulled up to the park where we were playing. "I hope we play until dusk, so I can take advantage of my pink camouflage!" I thought. I parked further away than most of the other cars. I told myself it was because I was a lone wolf. I think it was actually because I wanted to scope out whether anyone else was wearing pink camouflage. They weren't. My guess was that they'd spent more than $15 on their gear. I didn't even spend $15 on my wedding ring. No matter. Raw skill trumps little things like fancy-doodad getups, right? Just ask the Last Samurai! They totally murdered the gatling guns in the end, right? BTW Get Smart was the most amazing movie ever created. Go see it... in theatres now. When I got to the field of battle, some of the guys asked me to wear deer antlers. I was too smart for them. I totally saw right through their scheme. They were trying to get me to mess up my perfectly gelled hair. No way. I proceeded to ask where the boundaries were. Some of the guys laughed and said I wouldn't last that long. Haha. I laughed along with them. Haha. ... I got the feeling I laughed too long. Maybe the joke wasn't that funny. I was nervous. I tried to turn my laugh into a cough. I don't think it worked. Some of the guys started the question me. I panicked and took one of them hostage. When he tried to escape, I shot him. Little did I know, my batteries were dead. My stupid energizer bunny must have not lasted the last hunting season. I have my theories. So, I did the only thing I could think and I laughed some more. They started laughing too.
It was 9 o'clock as I pulled up to the park where we were playing. "I hope we play until dusk, so I can take advantage of my pink camouflage!" I thought. I parked further away than most of the other cars. I told myself it was because I was a lone wolf. I think it was actually because I wanted to scope out whether anyone else was wearing pink camouflage. They weren't. My guess was that they'd spent more than $15 on their gear. I didn't even spend $15 on my wedding ring. No matter. Raw skill trumps little things like fancy-doodad getups, right? Just ask the Last Samurai! They totally murdered the gatling guns in the end, right? BTW Get Smart was the most amazing movie ever created. Go see it... in theatres now. When I got to the field of battle, some of the guys asked me to wear deer antlers. I was too smart for them. I totally saw right through their scheme. They were trying to get me to mess up my perfectly gelled hair. No way. I proceeded to ask where the boundaries were. Some of the guys laughed and said I wouldn't last that long. Haha. I laughed along with them. Haha. ... I got the feeling I laughed too long. Maybe the joke wasn't that funny. I was nervous. I tried to turn my laugh into a cough. I don't think it worked. Some of the guys started the question me. I panicked and took one of them hostage. When he tried to escape, I shot him. Little did I know, my batteries were dead. My stupid energizer bunny must have not lasted the last hunting season. I have my theories. So, I did the only thing I could think and I laughed some more. They started laughing too.
What the heck am I supposed to do with no batteries? So I thought to myself, what would Chuck Norris do? Then it hit me! Chuck Norris never uses his gun. So, I played with my hands.
The first 3 people couldn't stop starring, enabling me to get close enough to throw a BB at them. Unfortunately, the rest of them caught on. I got hit worse than the energizer bunny. Desperate, I did what any sensable person would do. I called the police and told them two drug deals were going on down by the river and the gangsters were heavily armed. I suggested they shoot first. ... ... They did.
So, anyone want to play airsoft with me? I'm looking for a new group to play with.
(Congradulations to Trevor who finished half of his final post on RFCN -- Bob had to finish the rest-- Somehow I think that'll be the last thing RFCN hears from Trevor.)
6/26/08
The Way It Used To Be
Life used to be so much simpler. My parents always told me I had it good when I was a kid, but I never realized it until now. Think about it…
When you’re a little boy and you see a girl what did you do? Chances are you either ran away, ignored her, or made fun of her. Any of those options sound good today? Young boys don’t have to try to not think about girls all the time, they never do anyway. Now it’s like “not gonna think about girls, not gonna think about girls, not gonnawhoa there’s a hot chick!” No wait, I think I did that when I was seven years old too.
When you’re a little girl all you had to do was hit the boy if he bugged you and it was ok! Parents are all like “What did you do Robbie! You’re grounded.” Now they …. Oh wait, they can still do that.
When you’re a little kid, all you have to do is throw a tantrum long and hard enough and the parents are bound to give in. Now you have to actually…. Oh wait, you can still do that too.
When your young and you want a job, your dad or a close friend would set you up with a little work at his place. Now to get a job, you have to... oh wait, that's still how it works. ... At least for Cody (oO yes I just did that) (Don't blame me! Chris helped right this post too! So it could have been him that said that)
... Maybe things aren't so different.
6/21/08
I'm Such a Responsible Student
So, I was at the Ong's house right before a 6am morning flight. I had an online college art class assignment due one of the days I would be gone, so I intended to finish it up early. The assignment is 25 questions long and has an hour time limit. Since I was attempting to do the open book quiz without having pre-read a word of it, I would definitely need all 60 minutes. About 2/3rds of the way through, Mrs Ong announced it was time to go to bed. She was determined to get us in bed and well-rested for nationals. Robert Ong tried to convince her that I was doing something constructive (such as not flunking a college class) but somehow these arguments were all too common to her. A few minutes later she turned off the internet to convince us to go to bed. The result? 10 minutes out of my 60 minutes and a lot of distraction. I did managed to almost finish the quiz. Luckily for me, I get two attempts as long as there is 24 hours in between attempts. I went down while in my hotel in AL to try my second attempt a few minutes before it was due.
Because the Internet was turned off, the quiz was never submitted even though time had expired.
Needless to say, I spent the time I would have spent on the quiz... writing an email to my professor. It was hard for me to tell him what really happened.
Isn't kissing up great?
Mrs Ong still doesn't know that I was really doing an online quiz. I guess I don't have a lot of credibility.
Because the Internet was turned off, the quiz was never submitted even though time had expired.
Needless to say, I spent the time I would have spent on the quiz... writing an email to my professor. It was hard for me to tell him what really happened.
Isn't kissing up great?
Mrs Ong still doesn't know that I was really doing an online quiz. I guess I don't have a lot of credibility.
6/5/08
Illegal Immigration: Before and After
People often ask me: "Has debating illegal immigration policy changed your perspective". Yes, but its very hard to describe. I have decided to illustrate it.
Before debating illegal immigration
this...
... was a large group of people, probably ralying against Hilary Clinton
This...
... was an employee getting hired
and this...
...was the sepreation of freedom and poverty
After debating Illegal immigration
1 in 7 people in this picture are illegal immigrants
This...
... is an Illegal Alien getting hired by an unscrupulous employer
and this...
Probably doesn't exsist... Congress defunded the wall.
I wanted to put this to the test. So I got one of those photos. Yes, one of these
Before? I saw darth Vador. Now? I see 4 border patrol sleeping and playing cards in the middle and 3 large swams of illegal aliens running accross the border, while two groups of illegal aliens are using fake I.D.'s to enter the country. The little tiny dot on the bottom right, is an illegal claiming asylum to enter the country illegal. And, the big awkward looking black spot in the middle is Travis' face.
Ignorance is bliss, and I want my ignorance back! What am I supposed to do now? For a year I read qualified people saying Illegal Immigrants walk across our borders and fill our publich schools. They stand in line for welfare and every kid they have along the way is an American citizen thanks to our 14th amendment.
Then one day it hit me. Maybe this means I might actually run into an illegal immigrant someday. A couple months later and having worked at a green house, all I have to say is, I want my ignorance back.
Before debating illegal immigration
this...
... was a large group of people, probably ralying against Hilary Clinton
This...
... was an employee getting hired
and this...
...was the sepreation of freedom and poverty
After debating Illegal immigration
1 in 7 people in this picture are illegal immigrants
This...
... is an Illegal Alien getting hired by an unscrupulous employer
and this...
Probably doesn't exsist... Congress defunded the wall.
I wanted to put this to the test. So I got one of those photos. Yes, one of these
Before? I saw darth Vador. Now? I see 4 border patrol sleeping and playing cards in the middle and 3 large swams of illegal aliens running accross the border, while two groups of illegal aliens are using fake I.D.'s to enter the country. The little tiny dot on the bottom right, is an illegal claiming asylum to enter the country illegal. And, the big awkward looking black spot in the middle is Travis' face.
Ignorance is bliss, and I want my ignorance back! What am I supposed to do now? For a year I read qualified people saying Illegal Immigrants walk across our borders and fill our publich schools. They stand in line for welfare and every kid they have along the way is an American citizen thanks to our 14th amendment.
Then one day it hit me. Maybe this means I might actually run into an illegal immigrant someday. A couple months later and having worked at a green house, all I have to say is, I want my ignorance back.
P.S. I'm off to Debate Nationals in Alabama in two days, wish me luck.
5/31/08
First competition results!
Well guys, the results are in!
We are pleased to announce the competition was a smashing success! It was a blast. We really would like to thank FCN for cooperating! And... we would like to thank ourselves. Actually, just myself... because as usual, all of the fashion posts came from me.
So, results...
And the winner is ... ::insert drumroll::
Our very own, RFCN!
Winning with a grand total of 32 votes compared to FCN's 26 votes.
If you are confused, it's because we tallied up email votes and the various polls on FCN and RFCN.
Nice try FCN, nice try. Bring it anytime
We are pleased to announce the competition was a smashing success! It was a blast. We really would like to thank FCN for cooperating! And... we would like to thank ourselves. Actually, just myself... because as usual, all of the fashion posts came from me.
So, results...
And the winner is ... ::insert drumroll::
Our very own, RFCN!
Winning with a grand total of 32 votes compared to FCN's 26 votes.
If you are confused, it's because we tallied up email votes and the various polls on FCN and RFCN.
Nice try FCN, nice try. Bring it anytime
5/28/08
You're Out!
We'll, if any of you have ever officiated a sport, you'd know it can be both the most annoying and humorous job you'd ever have. Over the years I've had some pretty stinken funny dialogue with coaches.
So without very ado
Introducing some of the most humorous interactions with people who argue but can't argue well...
1. The funny angry man
::Kid does not slide at home plate when there was a play on him::
Official ruling- Automatic out
A Manager [our former umpire in chief] storms to home plate and says "That's a bunch of bull crap"
Rich ::smiles::
Manager says "ARE YOU SMILING? DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?"
Rich "No sir"
Manager "Bull CRAP, you are smiling at me!"
Rich "No ::smiles more:: I'm not..."
::Manager yells profanity and walks away::
2 Calvinball (no really, click the link)
::kid hits a mile long fly ball that makes it all the way to a parking lot and rolls out of sight::
Official ruling- Ground rule double
A manager comes storming out and says "No, no! We have a rule that says that the parking lot is a ground rule triple!"
Me "Great! Its on paper right?"
Manager "No, the last umpire declared that from now on the parking lot is a ground rule triple"
Me "Uh, if its not written down, then I go by the rule book"
::Assistant coach and opposing manager both point out the obvious, that I'm correct::
Manager "Well you didnt' go over this in the pregame meeting! You didn't plan ahead!"
Me "But you told me to start without a meeting!"
3. Short Term Memory
::Coach complains about the first baseman "straddling" the bag will preparing for a pick off attempt by the pitcher::
Official ruling- Perfectly legal
Coach "You have to stop the baseman from straddling the bag!"
Me "That's perfectly legal, as long as he has both feet inside fair territory"
::3 innings later::
Coach "He's doing it again! You have to stop him! Do your job!"
Me "Coach, if you don't remember last time we discussed this, I told you it was legal for him to do that"
4. The Concerned Mom
::Crowed gets out of control and even yells profanity for a good 10 minutes::
Me: "Shuuttttup!! All of you! Or people will need to leave"
Me: "Shuuttttup!! All of you! Or people will need to leave"
A mother mumbles: "How dare he say that in front of my kid"
You know you're an umpire if...
You can only count to 4.
You can't say the word out without pumping a fist
When people ask you a question you reply with "it was a judgement call"
You can convince anyone that you understand what they are saying without actually listening to them
5/26/08
It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Gets Hurt
Dear Readers,
It has come to our attention that a recent post came across as offensive to some families. It turns out the Post "Courage Kid, Courage" may been taken to heart by some people. I am very sorry for the hurt I may have caused through my words. For those of you who know me, you know that I do not have mean spirit and I most certainly do not intend to hurt other people. But, I do have a loose tongue and sometimes I say things or do things that do hurt other people. That is why I feel God has laid it on my heart to apologize for my actions and I hope that you all might be able to forgive me. I know that we deleted the post, but I know that won't be able to delete it from your mind. I am sorry if I deeply wounded anyone. That was not the intent of the post. But, I know, words are words, and they can never be taken back.
- Sincerly Yours
Zech Keenan
It has come to our attention that a recent post came across as offensive to some families. It turns out the Post "Courage Kid, Courage" may been taken to heart by some people. I am very sorry for the hurt I may have caused through my words. For those of you who know me, you know that I do not have mean spirit and I most certainly do not intend to hurt other people. But, I do have a loose tongue and sometimes I say things or do things that do hurt other people. That is why I feel God has laid it on my heart to apologize for my actions and I hope that you all might be able to forgive me. I know that we deleted the post, but I know that won't be able to delete it from your mind. I am sorry if I deeply wounded anyone. That was not the intent of the post. But, I know, words are words, and they can never be taken back.
- Sincerly Yours
Zech Keenan
5/23/08
What's Your Fashion Statement?
Fashion is not just an attempt to keep clothes on your body in order to remain decent (although it may be for some guys), but it is also a way to express yourself. I will suck up my manly pride and admit that a search for a good fashion statement may warrant a little shopping... and I do mean, a little shopping. It may be necessary for a guy to spend 10 minutes once every few months to maybe take a look at what color the clothes are before just buying it. I'm not so sure girls run into the same problem. If you can shop in 10 minutes, I'm free Monday night, call me ;-)
What a girl wears says more about her then anything else a guy can figure out while glancing at her as she's walking by, or at a signal light. Sometimes, people want to make a bold statement, and sometimes they just don't realize what they look like. How do you tell someone when they are wearing something that just doesn't' work?
After many years, I have finally realized, guys can't. Girls only care what other girls think about their fashion. It started after Adam gave Eve a blank stare after she asked him if she looked better in fig leaves or olive leaves. From then on, girls just stopped caring about what guys say on fashion. Guy: "Hey, I don't' think you look good in yellow strips." Girl: "Well, Cindy said I look cute in it." Guy: "Yeah, but I just think you should leave that in the 70's where it belongs" Girl: "This is why I don't ask you. I think it'll look cute."
I'm just wondering two things.
1: Why would a girl ask if something looks good, if she really doesn't want to know?
2: Why do girls care more about what other girls think, when its the guys they are trying to attract?
5/22/08
Fashion #2 Designer Sunglasses
Once upon a time, there was a young girl named Cindy. Cindy was a very pretty girl, but she was incredibly self-conscious about her face. She thought she looked like this, but she really looked like this and she wanted to look like this. Cindy went to work to discover a formula to hide her face. She tried wearing one of these, or walking around like this. She even tried walking around like this because this wasn't working and this was just weird. Finally she discovered sunglasses. She thought to herself, if people already wear them, I can just make them bigger.
So she did.
Soon every self-conscious girl in the world, also known as every girl in the world, started a trend with the sunglasses.
Just as surely as girls never stop becoming self-conscious about some part of their body, the trend continues with a huge force behind it.
Thanks Cindy, thanks.
If this sad, sad story isn't' enough to convince you, here's three reasons not to wear designer sunglasses.
1. Your face is pretty, just wear it.
2. If guys can't see your face, what else are they going to look at?
3. If Saturn, Mars and that one star fell out of orbit in front of the sun, while earth was invaded with giant walking string beans, you wouldn't be able to see.
5/21/08
Fashion #1
Let the contest begin!
The people have spoken. https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=3366488940857051388&postID=2796665788266684275 They chant cries of fashion and dress. We shall appease the people. The next three days will be posts on fashion.
"Fashion is like ice cream. There is no wrong flavor, just some people have really bad taste." -Robert
Lesson 1: Eskimo boots
The people have spoken. https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=3366488940857051388&postID=2796665788266684275 They chant cries of fashion and dress. We shall appease the people. The next three days will be posts on fashion.
"Fashion is like ice cream. There is no wrong flavor, just some people have really bad taste." -Robert
Lesson 1: Eskimo boots
Why do people wear them? We shall dress... I mean, address the deep historical and social tension of this very question.
Top reasons
1. They are comfortable.
I would definitely have to say, this an interesting reason. Last time I wore something because it was "comfortable", I was incarcerated. But supposing this was a legimate reason, not legitimate like, honestly legitimate, but just legitimate enough to throw another cloned steak on the barbie, there would still be a question in my mind. Why would girls be willing to wear high heels then? Maybe beauty comes before comfort?
2. They look cool (literally)
Honestly, since when did we start stealing fashion tips from Eskimos? 
These boots are made to look like they are ready for the snow, right? Like Cody was made for politics? Like Travis was made to get dumped and rejected by women? Like Daniel was made for... wait, what was Daniel made for? Well, its all wrong anyways (the boots being ready for the snow that is). If you were to wear them in the snow, it would be worse than bare feet; they would turn into ice cubes. So I ask you, why would you want to wear snow boots that really only work in the summer? And you would ask me, why does FCN contiue to make jokes about their 12 visitors? But that's off topic. Its so obvious! So your feet sweat and overheat ... while you look like an Eskimo (If you thought that was a compliment, just stop reading. Go read FCN or something). Maybe, if people read a little history before they picked their clothes, they would realize how the Eskimo's died off. No, it wasn't the government, or Hilary's test run of universal health care in Antarctica. It was Global warming. We aren't talking about spring Mr Cheney. We are talking about, you know, that theory you get a nobel prize just for teaching. Why would warm air kill an Eskimo? If you can't answer that, forget about understanding the deep intellectual jokes of FCN. Actually, if you don't understand half of their outside references, we're all in the same boat there.
Now I wonder, did the Eskimo's die off because they wore Eskimo boots in the heat? Or did they die off because they were dumb enough to wear Eskimo boots in the heat? Obviously since the Eskimo died, and died while wearing the Eskimo boots, the Eskimo died because of wearing the boots. For those of you that do not like my reasoning, I added a footnote.
If they died off because they wore Eskimo boots, that would lead to the conclusion that they died because they were dumb enough to wear Eskimo boots. However, if they died because they were dumb enough to wear Eskimo boots, maybe they didn't wear the Eskimo boots when they died. Maybe, they just fell over and died. Because, anyone dumb enough to wear Eskimo boots in the heat is dumb enough to die without the Eskimo boots, right? But Eskimo's and Eskimo boots are not mutually exclusive. Can you have an Eskimo, that wears boots, that doesn't' wear Eskimo boots? Obviously not. When an Eskimo wears a boot, its an Eskimo boot, because its worn by an Eskimo. And since Eskimo's always wear boots, the Eskimo boots killed the Eskimo.
Or was it Al Gore that killed the Eskimos... But wait! It's all coming together... if you are dumb enough to wear Eskimo boots in the summer... then maybe you should be extinct too? And I don't mean extinct like those polar bears who are increasing in population. But isn't this all part of that other theory?
No, that's just cruel. I couldn't bare the thought of a world without females. No Jessica Alba. No Carrie Underwood. Not even a wild snorlax. Only Him. And Him. And wow... that guy's kinda cute. Opps, I meant this guy. And I'm not too sure whether this "guy" would be there. But anyways... That is not to say, I couldn't bare the thought of females without worthless snow wanna-be boots. But then again, its not looking like a world without females is what we should be worried about (no really, click the link).
So, for the love of all that is good and holy and beautiful, please don't wear Eskimo boots.
RFCN fashion advice tip #1 "Think to yourself, what would an Eskimo not wear? And then, wear it. Unless of course you thought of not wearing anything."
5/19/08
The 8 stages of womanhood
1. Grow up
2. Have babies
3. Vow to never have babies again
4. Forget about how painful child birth was
5. Have more babies
6. Vow to never have babies again
7. Forget about how painful child birth was
8. Die
People say we are too unsympathetic about child birth because we are guys. So, to make ourselves qualified to make fun of it, we came up with a solution. We heard the closest pain a guy can feel compared to child birth is passing a kidney stone. So, to simulate this, we injected a rock into Trevor's ureter. Trevor is currently unable to comment on the pain, but we sure do appreciate Trevor's sacrifice so that we could make fun of child birth.
P.S., please pray for Trevor... Its been a week and he still has the rock inside him. We think the rock may be too big.
Which brings us to another point...
We are now taking donations for Trevor's surgery. We didn't think about the fact that Trevor only has a cheap HMO with his Starbucks job. The HMO denied the treatment on the basis that it was "experimental surgery". If we don't' get enough money, I'm going to have to do the surgery myself.
2. Have babies
3. Vow to never have babies again
4. Forget about how painful child birth was
5. Have more babies
6. Vow to never have babies again
7. Forget about how painful child birth was
8. Die
People say we are too unsympathetic about child birth because we are guys. So, to make ourselves qualified to make fun of it, we came up with a solution. We heard the closest pain a guy can feel compared to child birth is passing a kidney stone. So, to simulate this, we injected a rock into Trevor's ureter. Trevor is currently unable to comment on the pain, but we sure do appreciate Trevor's sacrifice so that we could make fun of child birth.
P.S., please pray for Trevor... Its been a week and he still has the rock inside him. We think the rock may be too big.
Which brings us to another point...
We are now taking donations for Trevor's surgery. We didn't think about the fact that Trevor only has a cheap HMO with his Starbucks job. The HMO denied the treatment on the basis that it was "experimental surgery". If we don't' get enough money, I'm going to have to do the surgery myself.
5/16/08
Who's your Wright?
Have you ever had someone come into your life and literally screw up everything? Maybe someone you didn't mind having around before, but now that you are in the spot light, it really bothers you. Well, Obama has. I mean, sure we all have our pastors... and certainly none of them are perfect... but this guy makes my pastor's long prayers seem like seem like heaven. wow that was a stupid pun.
Never has Wright been so wrong (wow, another bad pun).
I actually feel sorry for Obama. Sure he may be a democrat, and it would be disappointing if he came to the airport with less luggage than Hilary, but seriously! Do you realize what kind of sermons this guy has been listening to? I mean, if that's what Wright thinks about the U.S., than what must he think about God? Or am I being redundant here... Seems to me like Jeremiah Wright is really testing his first amendment rights, even more so than FCN. People think it so Wright... I mean wrong... that one of Obama's "mentors" is a nut bag. Brilliant! Since Obama could be a nutbag, lets elect Mrs Clinton who IS a nutbag. That kind of sloppy thinking will never land you a tenure.
I think I'm going to find a way to broadcast Mr Wrong's sermons as a comedy series. Probably just so I could come up with a clever title...
"The Wright wrong"
"Right, Wright is wrong"
"The wrong Wright"
Ok I'll stop right there... you get the idea.
Never has Wright been so wrong (wow, another bad pun).
I actually feel sorry for Obama. Sure he may be a democrat, and it would be disappointing if he came to the airport with less luggage than Hilary, but seriously! Do you realize what kind of sermons this guy has been listening to? I mean, if that's what Wright thinks about the U.S., than what must he think about God? Or am I being redundant here... Seems to me like Jeremiah Wright is really testing his first amendment rights, even more so than FCN. People think it so Wright... I mean wrong... that one of Obama's "mentors" is a nut bag. Brilliant! Since Obama could be a nutbag, lets elect Mrs Clinton who IS a nutbag. That kind of sloppy thinking will never land you a tenure.
I think I'm going to find a way to broadcast Mr Wrong's sermons as a comedy series. Probably just so I could come up with a clever title...
"The Wright wrong"
"Right, Wright is wrong"
"The wrong Wright"
Ok I'll stop right there... you get the idea.
5/13/08
Fight!
RFCN and FCN have had peace for too long. They've kept it all inside, but we all knew it would come out. Now, its time!
::drumroll::
From the creators of the two "funniest" blogs in the history of the world, bring you...
Impromptu blogging!
We would like our fans to participate! This is how it works...
For exactly one week, fans from both sides of the aisle will send emails to reallyfunnyclassnotes@gmail.com and funnyclassnotes@gmail.com with topics. Topics should be 8 words or less and can be on anything! The authors from FCN and RFCN will then take the topics and write posts on them.
Contributors will have exactly three days to write as many posts as possible. Both blogs will write on the same topics.
Topics will be judged on...
creativity
humor
audience captivity
class
At the end of the three days, any fan who reads the blogs will be allowed to vote. Specific methods of voting will come soon.
::drumroll::
From the creators of the two "funniest" blogs in the history of the world, bring you...
Impromptu blogging!
We would like our fans to participate! This is how it works...
For exactly one week, fans from both sides of the aisle will send emails to reallyfunnyclassnotes@gmail.com and funnyclassnotes@gmail.com with topics. Topics should be 8 words or less and can be on anything! The authors from FCN and RFCN will then take the topics and write posts on them.
Contributors will have exactly three days to write as many posts as possible. Both blogs will write on the same topics.
Topics will be judged on...
creativity
humor
audience captivity
class
At the end of the three days, any fan who reads the blogs will be allowed to vote. Specific methods of voting will come soon.
5/11/08
Woman has enlightening baptism experience
RFCN news, Sunday, May 11th. 10:27 p.m.
There have been a series of unfortunate events in Arkansas that apparently all started with a baptism. A 59 year old woman with heart conditions was reportly getting baptized by her pastor of 30 years. The elderly pastor apparently did not hear the screams and gasps for breath of the woman in between the father and the son, and drowned her shortly before the holy spirit. The pastor says this is the first time anything close to this has happened in his career, and apologized for the lack of attention during the baptism. This, however, has not stopped the family from pressing charges. "This should be an open and closed case", said the families attorney, "the whole congregation witnessed it and 359 people have agreed to testify." If convicted, the pastor may serve time in prison for manslaughter. The family and their attorney say they are investigating whether this was pre-meditated or intentional on the part of the pastor as the 59 year old woman was known for galling the pastor repeatedly after many of his free-will sermons. "He just ain't speaken the truth, free-will is a lie", said a woman that sat next to the 59 year old woman in the front row. We wondered what this had to do with the murder. Either way, this truly was a heavenly experience for the 59 year old woman.
There have been a series of unfortunate events in Arkansas that apparently all started with a baptism. A 59 year old woman with heart conditions was reportly getting baptized by her pastor of 30 years. The elderly pastor apparently did not hear the screams and gasps for breath of the woman in between the father and the son, and drowned her shortly before the holy spirit. The pastor says this is the first time anything close to this has happened in his career, and apologized for the lack of attention during the baptism. This, however, has not stopped the family from pressing charges. "This should be an open and closed case", said the families attorney, "the whole congregation witnessed it and 359 people have agreed to testify." If convicted, the pastor may serve time in prison for manslaughter. The family and their attorney say they are investigating whether this was pre-meditated or intentional on the part of the pastor as the 59 year old woman was known for galling the pastor repeatedly after many of his free-will sermons. "He just ain't speaken the truth, free-will is a lie", said a woman that sat next to the 59 year old woman in the front row. We wondered what this had to do with the murder. Either way, this truly was a heavenly experience for the 59 year old woman.
5/6/08
How can I say this?
So, last night I was at an umpire meeting where I found out my boss took 5 dollars off every game I did, then added 30 minutes to my games and gave me the 5 dollars back. Not sure how that works? Neither am I... but later on in the night, he offered to give me a game tonight by myself. Translation? Double pay. He did mention he wanted to call one final person on his list to see if the guy could work with me. I glanced over at his sheet as he revealed to me who it was. "Some guy named Dave", he replied.
Let me introduce you to Dave. Dave was my former boss, and president of the little league where I work... that is until he had a minor case of road rage. By minor case of road rage, of course I mean he smashed someone's window in with a baseball bat. How fitting...
"Oh dave! He was... he was the guy who... he was the president of this league!"
How could I tell him? I guess I really couldn't. Of course my boss said, "Great! Then he knows all about baseball".
"More like baseball bats" I mumbled.
Fortunately for me, Dave couldn't make it.
Whew
Let me introduce you to Dave. Dave was my former boss, and president of the little league where I work... that is until he had a minor case of road rage. By minor case of road rage, of course I mean he smashed someone's window in with a baseball bat. How fitting...
"Oh dave! He was... he was the guy who... he was the president of this league!"
How could I tell him? I guess I really couldn't. Of course my boss said, "Great! Then he knows all about baseball".
"More like baseball bats" I mumbled.
Fortunately for me, Dave couldn't make it.
Whew
4/30/08
Did You Really Think You Could Catch Me?
So, I was walking out of the garage and I ran into my mom. I said "excuse me" and quickly grabbed a towel in the kitchen. She replied as she turned around and followed me: "Do you want to give me that?" "This?", I replied, pointing to the towel. "You aren't my first kid, you know. Why don't you hand me the ice cream bar?" "Dang it"
Little did she know she isn't my first parent. Ok so maybe she is, but I had already eaten one in the garage and I had one in my pocket as well as my sock. Yep, can't pull one on me. I purposely wanted her to catch me with the one in my hand while pretending to be mad. I'm so smart.
This is all part of my larger plan to take over the world. You are falling right into it.
Little did she know she isn't my first parent. Ok so maybe she is, but I had already eaten one in the garage and I had one in my pocket as well as my sock. Yep, can't pull one on me. I purposely wanted her to catch me with the one in my hand while pretending to be mad. I'm so smart.
This is all part of my larger plan to take over the world. You are falling right into it.
4/27/08
Poker: Just One More Hand
If any of you have facebook, you'd know about the applications and different game options. One of the game options is of course, Poker! Its really quite a blast because you can play against friends and all that jazz. I don't play any video games on my own, so I found it to be a very enjoyable break from the usual routine. And by break, of course I mean add it on to my late night festivities because I never have time for a break. Poker on facebook works like this. They give you a few chips to start with and you try to earn more. You can earn a couple thousand chips for inviting people and even more when people accept the application on their facebook. Unfortunately I joined the application so late that the only people left to invite that hadn't already accepted it were three homeschool mothers. That just wasn't going to happen.
So I started poker with 1 hundred chips, and within 3 days, I had nearly 10,000. Day 4? 13,489 chips, all aquired in a few hours total. I quickly developed a working strategy. It went like this: when you have a top 4 hand, you go all out. This doesn't necessarily mean "all in" because you want to suck as many chips from the other players as possible. If they raise, you raise as much as you can. Now begins my demise. As I went on, I got a little more big headed. And by this I mean, I was ridiculously good and unstoppable. I joined a few high stake games and gain a lot more chips. This one game, day 6 of my poker experience, I decided I would join the game with 70% of my chips. I wasn't going to be "stupid", I was just going to wait until I had a great hand, slowly suck some of the high chip holders into the pot, and then force them to defend the chips.
I got the perfect hand; King and Jack, suited in hearts. First three cards were all hearts and all the cards were low enough to make a flush the highest possible hand. I went all in. So did this another player. Perfect right?
Ace and 3 suited in hearts...
The one card that could win was an Ace making it the highest possible hand. What are the odds?
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I didn't want to talk about it.
I didn't bet any money. I only played poker for 6 days, and it still ruined my life.
Poker sucks.
So I started poker with 1 hundred chips, and within 3 days, I had nearly 10,000. Day 4? 13,489 chips, all aquired in a few hours total. I quickly developed a working strategy. It went like this: when you have a top 4 hand, you go all out. This doesn't necessarily mean "all in" because you want to suck as many chips from the other players as possible. If they raise, you raise as much as you can. Now begins my demise. As I went on, I got a little more big headed. And by this I mean, I was ridiculously good and unstoppable. I joined a few high stake games and gain a lot more chips. This one game, day 6 of my poker experience, I decided I would join the game with 70% of my chips. I wasn't going to be "stupid", I was just going to wait until I had a great hand, slowly suck some of the high chip holders into the pot, and then force them to defend the chips.
I got the perfect hand; King and Jack, suited in hearts. First three cards were all hearts and all the cards were low enough to make a flush the highest possible hand. I went all in. So did this another player. Perfect right?
Ace and 3 suited in hearts...
The one card that could win was an Ace making it the highest possible hand. What are the odds?
I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I didn't want to talk about it.
I didn't bet any money. I only played poker for 6 days, and it still ruined my life.
Poker sucks.
4/23/08
Food discovery
I was staying up late one night and I was eating pringles. I lost track of a BBQ pringle in my hand and it ended up in my orange juice. Then it hit me, this is how great food is discovered! On accident! Right? So I ate the pringle.
Let it be known: pringles in orange juice taste like crap.
Let it be known: pringles in orange juice taste like crap.
4/17/08
The Ugliest Cars the World has Seen
That's right. We went there. Here are the ugliest cars we've ever seen.
AMC Gremlin
It's weak, it's ugly, and it doesn't look finished. I mean seriously, where is the second half of the car? Looks like someone just forgot to add it, to all of them. It was introduced on April 1st, 1970. Nuf' said.
Pontiac Aztec
Wow. There is just no excuse for an SUV this ugly. I haven't seen one of these in at least a year, I think the picture explains that.
Ford Pinto
If looks could kill, you'd be driving a Ford Pinto. Yeah, you knew it'd be on here somewhere. This little car is hard to look at, and if you get rear ended it blows up too. It's like an imitation Gremlin, but scarier.
Yugo
Even the owners wouldn't own up to it. Apparently explosive cars were important 40 something years ago. This car, like the Pinto, had problems with exploding, namely: it did. On top of that, it just doesn't look to appealing. On the plus side, if you dion't like the way it looks new, you don't have to worry, it'll look different by the time you get it home. The Yugo was a car that fell apart as you drove.
1998 Fiat Multipla
You've probably never seen one of these before, and you're probably glad. This thing is beyond ugly. In fact, I might even own an Aztec over this thing. Eww.
AMC Pacer
It seems the Gremlin wasn't ugly enough. AMC out did themselves this time. There are so many great descriptions of this car I think I'll let other people do the talking. One commentator called it "a pregnant roller skate," another said "Not only UGLY but two different-sized front doors!" In summation, "Six feet long, eight feet wide, bicycle tires all around, and 0 to 60 in four-and-a-half hours. What a prize! AMC's only conceivable excuse for this engineering and stylistic horror would be if their 1970s design crew was tripping on massive quantities of acid...and even then...it wouldn't be a good excuse." What is there left to say?
1933 Fuller Dymaxion
Never heard of it? Neither had I. Can't say I was missing much. Where do you start on a "car" like this? Time magazine described the inventor as "one of the century's great nutjobs, a walking unorthodoxy." That should help you understand this vehicle. I just have to explain this thing, it's a great story. This wacko wanted this thing to be a drivable plane. He wanted to put inflatable wings on it. Obviously that didn't work out. So what we are left with is a cockpit that is steered by the single rear wheel. That's right, only three wheels. That single rear wheel, that was soley responsible for the direction you went, "had a wicked death wobble."
1958 Zunndapp Janus
This thing just scares the crap out of me. It was powered with a 14 horsepower engine. I think my lawnmower has more power... You know how we joke about a car going 0-60 in like 3 hours? This thing couldn't even hit 60. 50 was it's limit. Who would drive something like that? Still trying to figure out which side is the front? So am I. Looking inside doesn't really help. The Janus had a rear facing bench for the back seat, that way you could watch death approach.
Well, I could keep going for days. This list is anything but exhastive. But let's just leave it there for now. Until next time, enjoy the car you are fortunate enough to not have to drive.
AMC Gremlin
It's weak, it's ugly, and it doesn't look finished. I mean seriously, where is the second half of the car? Looks like someone just forgot to add it, to all of them. It was introduced on April 1st, 1970. Nuf' said.
Pontiac Aztec
Wow. There is just no excuse for an SUV this ugly. I haven't seen one of these in at least a year, I think the picture explains that.
Ford Pinto
If looks could kill, you'd be driving a Ford Pinto. Yeah, you knew it'd be on here somewhere. This little car is hard to look at, and if you get rear ended it blows up too. It's like an imitation Gremlin, but scarier.
Yugo
Even the owners wouldn't own up to it. Apparently explosive cars were important 40 something years ago. This car, like the Pinto, had problems with exploding, namely: it did. On top of that, it just doesn't look to appealing. On the plus side, if you dion't like the way it looks new, you don't have to worry, it'll look different by the time you get it home. The Yugo was a car that fell apart as you drove.
1998 Fiat Multipla
You've probably never seen one of these before, and you're probably glad. This thing is beyond ugly. In fact, I might even own an Aztec over this thing. Eww.
AMC Pacer
It seems the Gremlin wasn't ugly enough. AMC out did themselves this time. There are so many great descriptions of this car I think I'll let other people do the talking. One commentator called it "a pregnant roller skate," another said "Not only UGLY but two different-sized front doors!" In summation, "Six feet long, eight feet wide, bicycle tires all around, and 0 to 60 in four-and-a-half hours. What a prize! AMC's only conceivable excuse for this engineering and stylistic horror would be if their 1970s design crew was tripping on massive quantities of acid...and even then...it wouldn't be a good excuse." What is there left to say?
1933 Fuller Dymaxion
Never heard of it? Neither had I. Can't say I was missing much. Where do you start on a "car" like this? Time magazine described the inventor as "one of the century's great nutjobs, a walking unorthodoxy." That should help you understand this vehicle. I just have to explain this thing, it's a great story. This wacko wanted this thing to be a drivable plane. He wanted to put inflatable wings on it. Obviously that didn't work out. So what we are left with is a cockpit that is steered by the single rear wheel. That's right, only three wheels. That single rear wheel, that was soley responsible for the direction you went, "had a wicked death wobble."
1958 Zunndapp Janus
This thing just scares the crap out of me. It was powered with a 14 horsepower engine. I think my lawnmower has more power... You know how we joke about a car going 0-60 in like 3 hours? This thing couldn't even hit 60. 50 was it's limit. Who would drive something like that? Still trying to figure out which side is the front? So am I. Looking inside doesn't really help. The Janus had a rear facing bench for the back seat, that way you could watch death approach.
Well, I could keep going for days. This list is anything but exhastive. But let's just leave it there for now. Until next time, enjoy the car you are fortunate enough to not have to drive.
4/15/08
The age of taxablelization
"Procrastinators unite! Tomorrow"
April 15. Screams that can be heard around the globe. Arguably the most hated day in the United States along with Gay awareness (rights) day, valentines day and everyday FCN posts... It's the day that most Americans realize they really are procrastinators. Most Americans also realize maybe they should have taken that math class or tax class in college, or paid a little more attention in high school. Tax assistants and accountants make thousands of dollars off of people who feel uncomfortable lying for themselves.
"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women." --Jay Leno
We've all heard the horrors of the 16th amendment day. But there comes an age in everyone's life, where they realize the 16th amendment actually applies to them. This was me a year ago. One of the killer things about working as an independent contractor, is your duty to withhold income taxes from your own pay checks. It's even more fun when you forget, and realize you have to pay 500 dollars of money you spent.
'Death: "to stop paying taxes suddenly."'
Few things in this world can be as painful as withholding your own income taxes. I've heard that having your bladder freeze and explode comes close. Sure I have heard of income taxes, and people complaining, and people going to jail, and people screaming about April 15th, but I think a part of me continued to believe "it won't happen to me". Sure I sang the Reliant K song "Death and Taxes" and I've heard all the funny quotes, but it just wasn't going to happen to me.
It happened.
How can the government do this to me! Don't they realize I need the money! Besides, they are just going to go waste it on things like... oh wow, 2 million things just came to mind. What about me? I need carls jr. But the way I get through it, is by thinking of the bright side. For one, the government spends more money than we pay in taxes. That's nice of them isn't it? And also, we must consider that the government is using the money for our interests. Take for example Iraq... ... wait, What are my interests in Iraq? ... ok bad example. But there are others! For example, the government uses our tax dollars to:
Research on the sex lives of squirrels
Determine if shyness in monkey children can lead to depression later in life
Determine how pigeons learn, and what they are thinking
Let me get this straight: I gave up Carls Jr so some squirrel can have two kids, and a monkey won't be depressed.
I feel like a better person now. Just don't ask me how I feel about those other things government spends my money on.
And all that for a law that never was.
I heard the government doesn't tax the rich. So I think I'll be rich so I can have more money. Then, I'll hire 20 of the best tax accountants in the world to find a way by which the rich people can pay taxes. Then, I'll pay taxes just to spite the IRS.
No wait, they'll probably keep my money and then send me to jail for paying taxes when I shouldn't have.
I think I'll settle for sending in this letter...
April 15. Screams that can be heard around the globe. Arguably the most hated day in the United States along with Gay awareness (rights) day, valentines day and everyday FCN posts... It's the day that most Americans realize they really are procrastinators. Most Americans also realize maybe they should have taken that math class or tax class in college, or paid a little more attention in high school. Tax assistants and accountants make thousands of dollars off of people who feel uncomfortable lying for themselves.
"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women." --Jay Leno
We've all heard the horrors of the 16th amendment day. But there comes an age in everyone's life, where they realize the 16th amendment actually applies to them. This was me a year ago. One of the killer things about working as an independent contractor, is your duty to withhold income taxes from your own pay checks. It's even more fun when you forget, and realize you have to pay 500 dollars of money you spent.
'Death: "to stop paying taxes suddenly."'
Few things in this world can be as painful as withholding your own income taxes. I've heard that having your bladder freeze and explode comes close. Sure I have heard of income taxes, and people complaining, and people going to jail, and people screaming about April 15th, but I think a part of me continued to believe "it won't happen to me". Sure I sang the Reliant K song "Death and Taxes" and I've heard all the funny quotes, but it just wasn't going to happen to me.
It happened.
How can the government do this to me! Don't they realize I need the money! Besides, they are just going to go waste it on things like... oh wow, 2 million things just came to mind. What about me? I need carls jr. But the way I get through it, is by thinking of the bright side. For one, the government spends more money than we pay in taxes. That's nice of them isn't it? And also, we must consider that the government is using the money for our interests. Take for example Iraq... ... wait, What are my interests in Iraq? ... ok bad example. But there are others! For example, the government uses our tax dollars to:
Research on the sex lives of squirrels
Determine if shyness in monkey children can lead to depression later in life
Determine how pigeons learn, and what they are thinking
Let me get this straight: I gave up Carls Jr so some squirrel can have two kids, and a monkey won't be depressed.
I feel like a better person now. Just don't ask me how I feel about those other things government spends my money on.
And all that for a law that never was.
I heard the government doesn't tax the rich. So I think I'll be rich so I can have more money. Then, I'll hire 20 of the best tax accountants in the world to find a way by which the rich people can pay taxes. Then, I'll pay taxes just to spite the IRS.
No wait, they'll probably keep my money and then send me to jail for paying taxes when I shouldn't have.
I think I'll settle for sending in this letter...
Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund', as noted on my return.
Thanks, Robert
4/14/08
The 8 stages of manhood
First stage: Dada? What you doing to your face?
Second stage: Dad? Can I shave too?
Third stage: I shave everyday. Sometimes I need to shave twice a day. In fact, I think I need to shave right now.
Fourth stage: I think I can get away with another day...
Fifth stage: Mom, I'm growing a beard.
Sixth stage: I shave at 6:13 a.m. every morning right before I go to work. This way I won't need to shave until I'm in bed at 8:56 p.m. and I can hold off until 6:13 the next day.
Seventh stage: I start everyday with a clean face and end the day with a beard. As long as I dont' see the same people twice in one day, no one ever knows.
Eigth state: My kid wants to shave, how do I tell him it's not worth it?
Second stage: Dad? Can I shave too?
Third stage: I shave everyday. Sometimes I need to shave twice a day. In fact, I think I need to shave right now.
Fourth stage: I think I can get away with another day...
Fifth stage: Mom, I'm growing a beard.
Sixth stage: I shave at 6:13 a.m. every morning right before I go to work. This way I won't need to shave until I'm in bed at 8:56 p.m. and I can hold off until 6:13 the next day.
Seventh stage: I start everyday with a clean face and end the day with a beard. As long as I dont' see the same people twice in one day, no one ever knows.
Eigth state: My kid wants to shave, how do I tell him it's not worth it?
4/9/08
Carrie me away
I have to apologize to my friend Bob. Bob told me Carrie Underwood was extremely hot. I didn't believe him. Then I saw a picture of her. Bob was right.
Carrie Underwood, I know you probably read my famous humor blog. If you are out there, I just want to say, we could make this work! Unlikely love stories happen everyday. Fairy tales come true! They have to, because I'm in love with you.
Please, just hear me out.
You're rich and famous... I am an author on the popular blog RFCN...
You're extremely talented... I like girls who are extremely talented...
You're extremely hot... I like hot girls...
You dont' like girls... I dont' like guys...
We have everything in common. We dont' have to talk about this, let's just get married.
I could live in your rich mansion and I'm sure you make enough to get me through college and have a few parties along the way.
Please? Pretty please? Just this once?
Carrie Underwood, I know you probably read my famous humor blog. If you are out there, I just want to say, we could make this work! Unlikely love stories happen everyday. Fairy tales come true! They have to, because I'm in love with you.
Please, just hear me out.
You're rich and famous... I am an author on the popular blog RFCN...
You're extremely talented... I like girls who are extremely talented...
You're extremely hot... I like hot girls...
You dont' like girls... I dont' like guys...
We have everything in common. We dont' have to talk about this, let's just get married.
I could live in your rich mansion and I'm sure you make enough to get me through college and have a few parties along the way.
Please? Pretty please? Just this once?
4/7/08
How to rip off ronald
Below are 11 ways that make "TINSTAAFL" seem as if it simply isn't true. Now, it should be understood that these are not things that we have tried ourselves or recommend for you to try, but merely ways that we would do it-- if we were to do it.
1. "I forgot my money"
3 step process:
order your food, forget your money, act sorry at the window. Works every time.
2. "1 large frite"
2 step process:
Order a large sprite, at the window ask "where's my large fry". Act very, very mad.
TIP: Make sure they serve sprite; bring money just in case.
3. "I have a buy one get one free coupon"
When ordering, tell them you have a buy one get one free coupon. 11 times in a row and counting, they forgot to ask for it. I have yet to do it on purpose, but I did start keeping track of how many times we both forgot.
TIP: you may think that this is a lame number 3 suggestion, but in reality... this is probably the only one that will actually work, and you don't end up in jail. Keep that in mind before you try anything stupid.
4. "You forgot my burger dude"
It's the oldest one in the book, "I was here earlier and you didn't give me my Big Mac". Be advised, that this one takes more work at In and Out. They will actually check their records to see if you ordered it. So, order a lot of stuff and say it fast. It's all in the wording, you didn't give me the burger I ordered... (not that I paid for it). At McDonalds... you're good to go, just be sure that they didn't actually forget your burger because chances are they did.
TIP: Where a suit or bring an adult. No more then 2 teens can be in the car for this one to work.
5. Smile at the girl
TIP: Axe, and good looks to begin with... and bring money just in case.
6. The 1 car sneak
Skip the ordering window, but hang out in-between windows until some orders behind you. Hope that they order something good. If you get caught, tell them it's been a long day and you thought you had ordered or that this was your first time in a drive though and you didn't know.
7. The Sprinter
Strap on the Nikes, you have 0.1-3 seconds while the bag is held outside of the window before it makes it into the car. Time it well. Watch out for the elbow and the left hand mirror. DO NOT STOP RUNNING. after the dude realizes that taco bell ain't paying for another crunch wrap... he will be coming. A getaway car will increase the likelihood of you ever getting a chance to eat that crunch wrap.
Run buddy, run.
TIP: To increase the emotional impact, listen to Chariots of Fire or Mission Impossible for 3 hours before you begin and during the endeavor too. It also decreases seconds thoughts.
8. The sprinter Advanced
Same as number 7, but you have a friend. He orders a bunch of stuff on the menu (enough for you and him), make sure he never actually touches the bag (that way they can't say it's his fault and besides I doubt they have a standard procedure for this type of thing). They'll remake the food. Even though this does require a little more planning, it's worth it. You don't have to worry about the angry dude chasing you, the elbow or the chance that you open it up and find a $.79 taco. And if done right, you'll have a 10 second window instead of 2 seconds.
TIP: this friend, better be someone you trust... he could really screw you.
9. Bring your old cup
At some places, they will even let you get away with is. I mean that as opposed to you getting away with it because you didn't get caught or you came at 3:30 in the morning and made your own door.
10. "This burger tastes like crap"
Eat half the burger, ask for the manager. Ask him why there is mayo on it...
TIP: Anger!! They had better think you're capable of a service complaint that makes it to people in high places.
11. Check the receipt
There should be a number on it to call for a service complaint, they'll send you a free meal coupon.
If you would like permission to use any of these, it will only cost you a free meal at carls. We've been low on funds ever since we tried to hire those assassins.
1. "I forgot my money"
3 step process:
order your food, forget your money, act sorry at the window. Works every time.
2. "1 large frite"
2 step process:
Order a large sprite, at the window ask "where's my large fry". Act very, very mad.
TIP: Make sure they serve sprite; bring money just in case.
3. "I have a buy one get one free coupon"
When ordering, tell them you have a buy one get one free coupon. 11 times in a row and counting, they forgot to ask for it. I have yet to do it on purpose, but I did start keeping track of how many times we both forgot.
TIP: you may think that this is a lame number 3 suggestion, but in reality... this is probably the only one that will actually work, and you don't end up in jail. Keep that in mind before you try anything stupid.
4. "You forgot my burger dude"
It's the oldest one in the book, "I was here earlier and you didn't give me my Big Mac". Be advised, that this one takes more work at In and Out. They will actually check their records to see if you ordered it. So, order a lot of stuff and say it fast. It's all in the wording, you didn't give me the burger I ordered... (not that I paid for it). At McDonalds... you're good to go, just be sure that they didn't actually forget your burger because chances are they did.
TIP: Where a suit or bring an adult. No more then 2 teens can be in the car for this one to work.
5. Smile at the girl
TIP: Axe, and good looks to begin with... and bring money just in case.
6. The 1 car sneak
Skip the ordering window, but hang out in-between windows until some orders behind you. Hope that they order something good. If you get caught, tell them it's been a long day and you thought you had ordered or that this was your first time in a drive though and you didn't know.
7. The Sprinter
Strap on the Nikes, you have 0.1-3 seconds while the bag is held outside of the window before it makes it into the car. Time it well. Watch out for the elbow and the left hand mirror. DO NOT STOP RUNNING. after the dude realizes that taco bell ain't paying for another crunch wrap... he will be coming. A getaway car will increase the likelihood of you ever getting a chance to eat that crunch wrap.
Run buddy, run.
TIP: To increase the emotional impact, listen to Chariots of Fire or Mission Impossible for 3 hours before you begin and during the endeavor too. It also decreases seconds thoughts.
8. The sprinter Advanced
Same as number 7, but you have a friend. He orders a bunch of stuff on the menu (enough for you and him), make sure he never actually touches the bag (that way they can't say it's his fault and besides I doubt they have a standard procedure for this type of thing). They'll remake the food. Even though this does require a little more planning, it's worth it. You don't have to worry about the angry dude chasing you, the elbow or the chance that you open it up and find a $.79 taco. And if done right, you'll have a 10 second window instead of 2 seconds.
TIP: this friend, better be someone you trust... he could really screw you.
9. Bring your old cup
At some places, they will even let you get away with is. I mean that as opposed to you getting away with it because you didn't get caught or you came at 3:30 in the morning and made your own door.
10. "This burger tastes like crap"
Eat half the burger, ask for the manager. Ask him why there is mayo on it...
TIP: Anger!! They had better think you're capable of a service complaint that makes it to people in high places.
11. Check the receipt
There should be a number on it to call for a service complaint, they'll send you a free meal coupon.
If you would like permission to use any of these, it will only cost you a free meal at carls. We've been low on funds ever since we tried to hire those assassins.
4/5/08
4/3/08
We love N
So, it hit me the other day. We always diss Travis and Cody, but what about the 3rd author of RFCN? How come we never smack on him?
Then it hit me... its because RFCN likes N.
I'm not really sure why... so I put together some theories...
R--N? You know how they say that people can read words as long as the first and the last letter are in its proper place? Well maybe N is just that important.
Or maybe He's just the normal one at FCN...
N... if you can hear us... please make FCN stop hijacking itself... we know its F and C's idea... so just make it stop.
Then it hit me... its because RFCN likes N.
I'm not really sure why... so I put together some theories...
R--N? You know how they say that people can read words as long as the first and the last letter are in its proper place? Well maybe N is just that important.
Or maybe He's just the normal one at FCN...
N... if you can hear us... please make FCN stop hijacking itself... we know its F and C's idea... so just make it stop.
4/1/08
How to take over the world, gamma version 1.1 patch 3.0
I realized today that I've been wasting my time. Education? Its pointless. A genius is a genius no matter how... Ok that doesn't really work... Anyways. So what I should really be focusing on is how to get to the top of the food chain. How to be the king of the jungle; the hotshot; the man with the money; the man who makes the salsa. After all, at the end of the day, its the man with the biggest sombrero that wins right?
Here's my 10 point plan.
1: Build up my PR... Cody Herche style. Yes, I am going to suck up to every parent this side of the Mississippi. I won't have to worry about the other side of the Mississippi because they'll all be destroyed with my plan.
2: Become an adamant liberal. Sorry Dr Paul, I'm really going to be a democrat now.
3: Buy a sombrero.
4: Run for city council and act like I'm mayor.
5: Become questionably involved in a number of business and professional scandals...
6: Make half the world hate my guts while simultaneously making the other half love me because they think the first half hates me due to sexism and my liberal views.
7: Wait for Hillary to come knocking on my door and accept her offer for VP.
8: Wait for Hillary to take over the world.
9: Put Hillary in a box, and put that box in another box, send that box to myself and smash... you get the point
10: Take over the world.
Here's my 10 point plan.
1: Build up my PR... Cody Herche style. Yes, I am going to suck up to every parent this side of the Mississippi. I won't have to worry about the other side of the Mississippi because they'll all be destroyed with my plan.
2: Become an adamant liberal. Sorry Dr Paul, I'm really going to be a democrat now.
3: Buy a sombrero.
4: Run for city council and act like I'm mayor.
5: Become questionably involved in a number of business and professional scandals...
6: Make half the world hate my guts while simultaneously making the other half love me because they think the first half hates me due to sexism and my liberal views.
7: Wait for Hillary to come knocking on my door and accept her offer for VP.
8: Wait for Hillary to take over the world.
9: Put Hillary in a box, and put that box in another box, send that box to myself and smash... you get the point
10: Take over the world.
R-FCN
Ladies and Gentleman, children of all ages, and Travis,
it brings me great pleasure, highest honor, and a touchy feely feeling inside to announce to you:
The MERGE of RFCN and FCN!
Yes, we have agreed that the only thing better than RFCN, and FCN, is RFCN! (FCN + RFCN = RFCN... what? Do you know a better way? Should we be called FCNRFCN? Didn't think so...)
Yes, from now on, you will get twice the humor! Twice the the lame inside jokes! Twice the subtle!!!! Wait... is there a such thing as subtle!!!!!?
Yes, we finally broke down and let FCN in on our readers and our success. After all, part of our success is due to them! Where would we gotten the last 3 letters of our name? We would lose our "four letter word" status. That, we could not bare.
Without FCN... we would be nobodys... we would have uninfluenced humor that might have been funny. We could have had millions of readers instead of thousands... And nobody would realize we only post a few times a month and not everyday... thanks FCN, thanks.
So, welcome FCN welcome!
FCN will close down their site in 5 days and we'll have our 1st post on April 5th.
it brings me great pleasure, highest honor, and a touchy feely feeling inside to announce to you:
The MERGE of RFCN and FCN!
Yes, we have agreed that the only thing better than RFCN, and FCN, is RFCN! (FCN + RFCN = RFCN... what? Do you know a better way? Should we be called FCNRFCN? Didn't think so...)
Yes, from now on, you will get twice the humor! Twice the the lame inside jokes! Twice the subtle!!!! Wait... is there a such thing as subtle!!!!!?
Yes, we finally broke down and let FCN in on our readers and our success. After all, part of our success is due to them! Where would we gotten the last 3 letters of our name? We would lose our "four letter word" status. That, we could not bare.
Without FCN... we would be nobodys... we would have uninfluenced humor that might have been funny. We could have had millions of readers instead of thousands... And nobody would realize we only post a few times a month and not everyday... thanks FCN, thanks.
So, welcome FCN welcome!
FCN will close down their site in 5 days and we'll have our 1st post on April 5th.
3/25/08
Note to self
Never play ninja and try to take down two foes (bros) blindfolded in a crowded house. I think I almost broke my hand punching a bookcase.
3/23/08
My holiday secret
One of the nice things about having so many authors on RFCN is that I can post without everyone knowing it was me. So, I'm going to post my holiday secret.
Every holiday, I get stuck with the same chore: sweeping the kitchen floor. I'm convinced no one actually looks at the floor when they come over for dinner. But we've all been there; if the parents say they notice it, they notice it. My parents notice if I failed to use the dustpan and tried the old "spread it across the floor" or "sweet it under a corner" trick. They even discovered my latest one: "put it under the mat in the living room". I still don't get how they figured out I've been dumping the sweepings under a mat three rooms away. As a kid, I felt a patriotic duty to outsmart my parents. I did.
And they wonder why I never take any of mom's soup.
Every holiday, I get stuck with the same chore: sweeping the kitchen floor. I'm convinced no one actually looks at the floor when they come over for dinner. But we've all been there; if the parents say they notice it, they notice it. My parents notice if I failed to use the dustpan and tried the old "spread it across the floor" or "sweet it under a corner" trick. They even discovered my latest one: "put it under the mat in the living room". I still don't get how they figured out I've been dumping the sweepings under a mat three rooms away. As a kid, I felt a patriotic duty to outsmart my parents. I did.
And they wonder why I never take any of mom's soup.
3/20/08
To heck and back
So, Rich and I went off to Gustine (?) to umpire a high school baseball game. If you haven't heard of Gustine before, its pretty easy to locate on the map; its right next to nowhere and heck. It was a decently long ride up there, and a very interesting game (a story for another post) but we did get there. I wish I could say that much for our trip back. Maybe I should have had a clue by the fact that we got lost going TO the game, but regardless, the story goes a little something like this:
::45 minutes into a deep conversation::
Me: Rich!
Rich: Bob, just let me finish talking, I am almost done.
Me: Rich!!
Rich: Bob, I really want to say this!
Me: RICH! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN ON THIS ROAD??
Rich: Uh, I was going to say on it until it ended, was I supposed to turn?
Me: You should have turned 35 minutes ago!
We crossed under highway 5 before I discovered out position on the map.
How can someone stay on a road he's never seen, with no plan at all, for 35 minutes farther then he was supposed to, and somehow only add about 5 minutes to the trip?
"How did you beat us? -Kuzco Well by all means, it doesn't make sense on the map"- Kronk
3/16/08
Brilliance!
The basic economic law of supplies of demand says that whatever is wanted will be unlimitedly supplied by economists. I am here to tell you that other people can supply and not just economists. I am no economist (although I have a lot of knowledge about the supplies of demand) but I have found a way to be a supplier. Here's my brilliance...
I have noticed that girls who are pregnant are afraid of looking fat. And girls who are fat, are not afraid of looking pregnant. And now I'm afraid of being killed by a pregnant girl... So, there must be a demand for girls who are pregnant to want everyone to know they aren't fat... and consequently a demand for fat girls to want everyone to think they are pregnant, without asking them if they are.
This is where I come in. I am going to create a tee shirt that says:
I'm not fat, I'm pregnant.
Who wants to use my idea? I only want 60% of the profits.
I have noticed that girls who are pregnant are afraid of looking fat. And girls who are fat, are not afraid of looking pregnant. And now I'm afraid of being killed by a pregnant girl... So, there must be a demand for girls who are pregnant to want everyone to know they aren't fat... and consequently a demand for fat girls to want everyone to think they are pregnant, without asking them if they are.
This is where I come in. I am going to create a tee shirt that says:
I'm not fat, I'm pregnant.
Who wants to use my idea? I only want 60% of the profits.
3/5/08
Itching for Ye Good Olde Days
Technology these days is disappointing. I've decided it isn't worth the bother. I now believe that the Amish really do have something. This whole "electricity" thing? Yeah, just not doin' it for me. So here's why.
1. You spend more time trying to figure out how it works then it could ever hope to save you. Have you ever tried to put something more complicated then a light bulb together? I mean seriously folks, you don't even have to put a light bulb together! When you actually do put things together you have two options: 1. be a man, 2. be a woman. By that I mean you can either use directions or not. Guys don’t use them, so here I'm talking to the women out there. Can you read what they say? Chances are you can't. It's either in a foreign language, or it was and the translation is horrible. I mean, does anybody actually think to edit those things? Come on! There is a thing called "spell check," it's on just about EVERYTHING now days. Then of course you have to figure out what your item actually does. You may think "that's stupid, you bought it, you should know what it does at least." To you I would reply "you apparently don't know any men." You see, guys will buy the newest technology just because it's cool. If it's fast, breaks things, or blows things up, you can bet your green card your man will buy it. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, by the time you DO figure out what it is, what it does, and how to get it together, it's out of date and you have to buy a new one. Then you repeat the whole process all over again. It's a vicious cycle.
2. Then of course you have all the dangers that come with new technology.
A. Microwaves (heating appliances) scared people for a while. The thought was that all those focused microwaves (small squiggly lines that do bad things) being emitted might cause cancer in people. Can you believe that? How in the world do people get these ideas? Microwaves are meant for GOOD. Good things do not cause bad things. I think the Supreme Court said that .... or something.
B. Technology makes you fat. If you're a normal American you probably spend about 5 hours a day either checking email, playing with your iPod or iPhone or iRack, or playing video games at work. This means you don't have time to exercise or eat healthy and all that junk, blah blah blah, you've all heard this before.
So I think I'm going to be Amish. From now on there's no more technology for me. Just good olde fashion horses and candles. Wish me luck, but don't leave me any comments, I won't be able to see them.
1. You spend more time trying to figure out how it works then it could ever hope to save you. Have you ever tried to put something more complicated then a light bulb together? I mean seriously folks, you don't even have to put a light bulb together! When you actually do put things together you have two options: 1. be a man, 2. be a woman. By that I mean you can either use directions or not. Guys don’t use them, so here I'm talking to the women out there. Can you read what they say? Chances are you can't. It's either in a foreign language, or it was and the translation is horrible. I mean, does anybody actually think to edit those things? Come on! There is a thing called "spell check," it's on just about EVERYTHING now days. Then of course you have to figure out what your item actually does. You may think "that's stupid, you bought it, you should know what it does at least." To you I would reply "you apparently don't know any men." You see, guys will buy the newest technology just because it's cool. If it's fast, breaks things, or blows things up, you can bet your green card your man will buy it. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, by the time you DO figure out what it is, what it does, and how to get it together, it's out of date and you have to buy a new one. Then you repeat the whole process all over again. It's a vicious cycle.
2. Then of course you have all the dangers that come with new technology.
A. Microwaves (heating appliances) scared people for a while. The thought was that all those focused microwaves (small squiggly lines that do bad things) being emitted might cause cancer in people. Can you believe that? How in the world do people get these ideas? Microwaves are meant for GOOD. Good things do not cause bad things. I think the Supreme Court said that .... or something.
B. Technology makes you fat. If you're a normal American you probably spend about 5 hours a day either checking email, playing with your iPod or iPhone or iRack, or playing video games at work. This means you don't have time to exercise or eat healthy and all that junk, blah blah blah, you've all heard this before.
So I think I'm going to be Amish. From now on there's no more technology for me. Just good olde fashion horses and candles. Wish me luck, but don't leave me any comments, I won't be able to see them.
2/29/08
Well deserved.
One day at work, I'm sitting at one of the tables, after my shift had ended, enjoying some quesodillas when girl that I work with comes over sits with me. So, we were just sitting there talking about work n' stuff for awhile and then she asks me if I want to hear a Really Funny story. So, I said sure. Keep in mind this is a true story about one of her friends, we'll call her Karen, because I forgot her real name.
Karen was house-sitting her friend's house for a couple weeks. Her friends had a dog that was really really old. In fact, the dog was so old they were expecting it to die soon. Well, guess what? While Karen was house-sitting the dog did die. (dog did die: how's that for an alliteration?) Karen was going to bury it in the back yard, but the area she was at wouldn't allow her to bury it there. And this is no small dog either, this is a rather large golden retriever. So, what is Karen to do? She can't bury it. So what does she do? She grabs the biggest suit case she can find, and stuffs the dog into the suit case. She figured she would take the subway back to her house and bury it in her backyard. So, she's down in the subway carting around this huge suit case with a dead animal inside. So, as she struggles to get to the escalator a nice looking man walks up to her and says "hey, that looks kind of heavy, did you need some help with that?" so Karen says "Sure! That would awesome!" As there making they're way to the subway the man asks "So, what do you have in here, anyway?" Karen paused for a second or two trying to think of something that would be more believable then telling the man it was a dead golden retriever. So, she tells him "It's some stereo equipment." "Oh" the man says, then punches Karen in the jaw and takes off with the suit case!
Karen felt a little relieved and sore, but more relieved. And I'm sure she couldn't help but laugh later that some dude on the subway just stole a dead golden retriever. I wonder what he thought when opened the suit case.
Karen was house-sitting her friend's house for a couple weeks. Her friends had a dog that was really really old. In fact, the dog was so old they were expecting it to die soon. Well, guess what? While Karen was house-sitting the dog did die. (dog did die: how's that for an alliteration?) Karen was going to bury it in the back yard, but the area she was at wouldn't allow her to bury it there. And this is no small dog either, this is a rather large golden retriever. So, what is Karen to do? She can't bury it. So what does she do? She grabs the biggest suit case she can find, and stuffs the dog into the suit case. She figured she would take the subway back to her house and bury it in her backyard. So, she's down in the subway carting around this huge suit case with a dead animal inside. So, as she struggles to get to the escalator a nice looking man walks up to her and says "hey, that looks kind of heavy, did you need some help with that?" so Karen says "Sure! That would awesome!" As there making they're way to the subway the man asks "So, what do you have in here, anyway?" Karen paused for a second or two trying to think of something that would be more believable then telling the man it was a dead golden retriever. So, she tells him "It's some stereo equipment." "Oh" the man says, then punches Karen in the jaw and takes off with the suit case!
Karen felt a little relieved and sore, but more relieved. And I'm sure she couldn't help but laugh later that some dude on the subway just stole a dead golden retriever. I wonder what he thought when opened the suit case.
Why Men Like Explosions
Having recently returned from seeing “Transformers”, this editor was struck with the impressive amount of combustion that is encapsulated in the film. In the span of a couple of hours the director managed to fit in at least 3,600 explosions. I place the qualifier “at least” in that sentence because I lost count after I temporarily blacked out from the sheer intensity of three thousand mechanical persons/beings/universes blowing up on screen... all at the same time. If you happened to see “Live Free or Die Hard” you would have experienced much the same thing. This is an intelligent move on the part of the directorial powers that be. They knew that the masculine theater attenders would be checking their watches, ready to walk out if the picture had not fulfilled its 1 explosion/2 deaths ratio in a 10 minute time period. This begs the question; why do men in particular crave great balls of fire? The editors uncover several reasons in the following sections.
1) Explosions are Manly
If explosions are inclined to the very nature of the male species, it would seem to follow that we would derive a special pleasure from them. This is in fact the case. Men carry on a symbiotic relationship with explosions. Explosions could not exist without men, matches, and napalm. Men, in turn, benefit from the satisfying glow and resulting destruction of the detonation. But why are we so attracted to them? This may remain a mystery to the end of the age, but perhaps the next few points will shed some light on the issue.
2) Explosions Indicate Power
As the saying goes, “Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, which results in explosions.” Can anyone deny the truth of this trusty statement? When has any individual gained and held a significant amount of power without averting to an explosion or two? Think of Jack Bauer. Think of Nagasaki. Think of Iraq. [Ed. This proves that explosions are necessary, but not sufficient, for an increase in power.] This is in fact an excellent explanation of why France has never won a war. And until they can get over their fear of their cheese, wine, and impeccably groomed moustaches being contaminated with nuclear material, the editors do not expect them to win any wars in the near or distant future. In summation, we find that when an explosion is witnessed by the general public (albeit from a safe distance), the men get a satisfying feeling that by viewing the spectacle, they too have taken part in the ultimate succinct statement of world domination, the explosion.
3) Explosions Avoid Awkward Situations
How many times have you been in a really uncomfortable situation? One where you wish you could just disappear? You know what I mean. As in “Man this is awkward. Why couldn’t I have a grenade right now, so as to blow the whole situation to kingdom come, albeit from a safe distance?” One that may be familiar to many of us is the dramatic-pause-turned-awkward-pause-in-the-2AR. Yes the self-generated delusions of grandeur come crashing down two minutes into the speech, leaving you feeling melodramatic and exposed. Ah, for the want of a flash-bang grenade a round was lost! It’s true. Men can be cowards, and we’re often more willing to blow a gaping hole in the music than face it.
4) Explosions: The Duct Tape of Life
Similar and yet different to the previous point, explosions are the layman’s, and for that matter non-layman’s, remedy to a situation that is simply not up to snuff. PC running a little slow? There’s an answer for that. Get a Mac. Mac running slow? Blow it up. There is no excuse for a Mac to be running any slower than blazing fast. On a media-centered note, I personally believe the movie “Pride and Prejudice” would have enjoyed much greater box office success if the romantic scene at the end of the picture had culminated in the tactical use of a generous amount of C-4. “Mrs. Darcy... Mrs. Darcy... Mrs. Dar-*House blows up* Dang it!”
Conclusion
We believe the sufficient coverage in this article has been... sufficient. It should now be clear as to why the masters of the Y chromosome use the "Just Say Yes" policy when it comes to combustible material.
1) Explosions are Manly
If explosions are inclined to the very nature of the male species, it would seem to follow that we would derive a special pleasure from them. This is in fact the case. Men carry on a symbiotic relationship with explosions. Explosions could not exist without men, matches, and napalm. Men, in turn, benefit from the satisfying glow and resulting destruction of the detonation. But why are we so attracted to them? This may remain a mystery to the end of the age, but perhaps the next few points will shed some light on the issue.
2) Explosions Indicate Power
As the saying goes, “Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, which results in explosions.” Can anyone deny the truth of this trusty statement? When has any individual gained and held a significant amount of power without averting to an explosion or two? Think of Jack Bauer. Think of Nagasaki. Think of Iraq. [Ed. This proves that explosions are necessary, but not sufficient, for an increase in power.] This is in fact an excellent explanation of why France has never won a war. And until they can get over their fear of their cheese, wine, and impeccably groomed moustaches being contaminated with nuclear material, the editors do not expect them to win any wars in the near or distant future. In summation, we find that when an explosion is witnessed by the general public (albeit from a safe distance), the men get a satisfying feeling that by viewing the spectacle, they too have taken part in the ultimate succinct statement of world domination, the explosion.
3) Explosions Avoid Awkward Situations
How many times have you been in a really uncomfortable situation? One where you wish you could just disappear? You know what I mean. As in “Man this is awkward. Why couldn’t I have a grenade right now, so as to blow the whole situation to kingdom come, albeit from a safe distance?” One that may be familiar to many of us is the dramatic-pause-turned-awkward-pause-in-the-2AR. Yes the self-generated delusions of grandeur come crashing down two minutes into the speech, leaving you feeling melodramatic and exposed. Ah, for the want of a flash-bang grenade a round was lost! It’s true. Men can be cowards, and we’re often more willing to blow a gaping hole in the music than face it.
4) Explosions: The Duct Tape of Life
Similar and yet different to the previous point, explosions are the layman’s, and for that matter non-layman’s, remedy to a situation that is simply not up to snuff. PC running a little slow? There’s an answer for that. Get a Mac. Mac running slow? Blow it up. There is no excuse for a Mac to be running any slower than blazing fast. On a media-centered note, I personally believe the movie “Pride and Prejudice” would have enjoyed much greater box office success if the romantic scene at the end of the picture had culminated in the tactical use of a generous amount of C-4. “Mrs. Darcy... Mrs. Darcy... Mrs. Dar-*House blows up* Dang it!”
Conclusion
We believe the sufficient coverage in this article has been... sufficient. It should now be clear as to why the masters of the Y chromosome use the "Just Say Yes" policy when it comes to combustible material.
2/23/08
We aren't dead... imagine that
Sup people.
Instead of an eloborate intro let us just say this: we decided not to die.
Here's a little message from each of the RFCN contributors.
"We are back, people! We are back and are ready for a new season of laughter and random posts that will have you dying with laughter......although we really don't want you to die of laughter. We might have a lawsuit on our hands if that happened. So, if any of you do die, sue FCN instead, because they ARE the reason we started our blog. So, prepare yourself! RFCN is going to deliver top-notch posts that will have you clamoring for more. And if not clamoring, then maybe just a deep sense of satisfaction that you've just enjoyed the time you wasted" - Zech
"Well, I guess I should start by saying "we are not dead." I think you know what I mean. The severe lack of postage in the last month or two could not have gone unnoticed. Let me be the second to tell you, this will not happen again. We are back. In solidarity with the Writers Guild we took a break, but since they are back, we are back! I think now would be a good time to explain what I mean be "we." I do not mean "we" in the usual sense of the word, because I do not include myself in the context. I was never here in the first place, so I could never have left. I am just getting started. Ladies and gentlemen.... and FCN, we are back and better then ever." - Chris "
yeah... btw now might be a good time to tell you that Chris is now a contributor to RFCN. We were going to tell you but I guess we never got around to it. But never-the-less now, you know and boy are we coming back strong because our single biggest critique is now on our side. muahhahahahaha. I know we talked about quitting quite a bit over the last couple months, but after we talked about it we just couldn't bring ourselves to do it. I mean, what would the world be like without RFCN? I took a look around and I saw 2 small children across the street throwing rocks at the building across the road and I thought... we have to stay, for them, we have to stay. I looked at all our readers who didn't have to read FCN because they found something better, something real... and I thought for them, we have to stay, for them, we have to stay." - Richard
"5 bucks says all my fellow authors abandon me again and I'll be the only one posting." -Robert
"What the heck Robert? I'll totally take that bet! I could use the money." - Chris
"Dude... Chris... don't take the bet... you'll lose and I don't want to take your money. And I don't have five bucks." - Robert
"Dang it. I'm blogging with poor people. Wasn't this supposed to be good for my reputation?" - Chris
"That's just what we told you Chris. Hey, let's bet your job. If you win, I get your job. If I win, I get five bucks and your job." -Robert
"Robert, I already took your bet, you can't back out now. So stop arguing with me." - Chris
"Go to heck Chris! I hate you... I hereby kick you off of RFCN." -Robert
"Dude, you can't kick me off, we haven't even started yet! Besides, I'm way funnier then you anyway!" - Chris
"Are not!" - Robert
"Whatever Robert, just, whatever." - Chris
"So yeah. We are back. Be prepared FCN. Who knows what you need to be prepared for, but make sure you are prepared." -jon
Katie and Trevor were both unavailible for comments.
[a few days later...]
.... No wait! Could it be? Yes it is! Don't cry yet! You can stop your plans of protest. Put away your Emo Washing Powder and keep the smiles on your face. Katie has not fallen off the face of the earth -- nor has she abandoned RFCN. She has returned to read this post and say, "you guys are so lucky you have me -- you really need help."
Instead of an eloborate intro let us just say this: we decided not to die.
Here's a little message from each of the RFCN contributors.
"We are back, people! We are back and are ready for a new season of laughter and random posts that will have you dying with laughter......although we really don't want you to die of laughter. We might have a lawsuit on our hands if that happened. So, if any of you do die, sue FCN instead, because they ARE the reason we started our blog. So, prepare yourself! RFCN is going to deliver top-notch posts that will have you clamoring for more. And if not clamoring, then maybe just a deep sense of satisfaction that you've just enjoyed the time you wasted" - Zech
"Well, I guess I should start by saying "we are not dead." I think you know what I mean. The severe lack of postage in the last month or two could not have gone unnoticed. Let me be the second to tell you, this will not happen again. We are back. In solidarity with the Writers Guild we took a break, but since they are back, we are back! I think now would be a good time to explain what I mean be "we." I do not mean "we" in the usual sense of the word, because I do not include myself in the context. I was never here in the first place, so I could never have left. I am just getting started. Ladies and gentlemen.... and FCN, we are back and better then ever." - Chris "
yeah... btw now might be a good time to tell you that Chris is now a contributor to RFCN. We were going to tell you but I guess we never got around to it. But never-the-less now, you know and boy are we coming back strong because our single biggest critique is now on our side. muahhahahahaha. I know we talked about quitting quite a bit over the last couple months, but after we talked about it we just couldn't bring ourselves to do it. I mean, what would the world be like without RFCN? I took a look around and I saw 2 small children across the street throwing rocks at the building across the road and I thought... we have to stay, for them, we have to stay. I looked at all our readers who didn't have to read FCN because they found something better, something real... and I thought for them, we have to stay, for them, we have to stay." - Richard
"5 bucks says all my fellow authors abandon me again and I'll be the only one posting." -Robert
"What the heck Robert? I'll totally take that bet! I could use the money." - Chris
"Dude... Chris... don't take the bet... you'll lose and I don't want to take your money. And I don't have five bucks." - Robert
"Dang it. I'm blogging with poor people. Wasn't this supposed to be good for my reputation?" - Chris
"That's just what we told you Chris. Hey, let's bet your job. If you win, I get your job. If I win, I get five bucks and your job." -Robert
"Robert, I already took your bet, you can't back out now. So stop arguing with me." - Chris
"Go to heck Chris! I hate you... I hereby kick you off of RFCN." -Robert
"Dude, you can't kick me off, we haven't even started yet! Besides, I'm way funnier then you anyway!" - Chris
"Are not!" - Robert
"Whatever Robert, just, whatever." - Chris
"So yeah. We are back. Be prepared FCN. Who knows what you need to be prepared for, but make sure you are prepared." -jon
Katie and Trevor were both unavailible for comments.
[a few days later...]
.... No wait! Could it be? Yes it is! Don't cry yet! You can stop your plans of protest. Put away your Emo Washing Powder and keep the smiles on your face. Katie has not fallen off the face of the earth -- nor has she abandoned RFCN. She has returned to read this post and say, "you guys are so lucky you have me -- you really need help."
2/13/08
To Our New Padre
We interrupt this period of whining because something has come to our attention. This, to be more specific.
At this point you're probably expecting us to try to get back or to tell you how much this hurt our pride... but the fact is, we're not going to get back because it didn't hurt; it felt really, really good. You see, we've never had a father before. We were a fatherless blog. ::sniff::
We just want to know how much you really love us FCN. If this is a true relationship and not just some totally fake political alliance, post the below picture on your site within 1 week with no disclaimer or explanation what-so-ever.
We just have to know that you're not going to steal our kidney and run, Daddy.
Oh and btw, we are left with no choice but to say goodbye forever unless this goes down within the week.
Sincerely, your potential godchild RFCN
At this point you're probably expecting us to try to get back or to tell you how much this hurt our pride... but the fact is, we're not going to get back because it didn't hurt; it felt really, really good. You see, we've never had a father before. We were a fatherless blog. ::sniff::
We just want to know how much you really love us FCN. If this is a true relationship and not just some totally fake political alliance, post the below picture on your site within 1 week with no disclaimer or explanation what-so-ever.
We just have to know that you're not going to steal our kidney and run, Daddy.
Oh and btw, we are left with no choice but to say goodbye forever unless this goes down within the week.
Sincerely, your potential godchild RFCN
2/9/08
Did you ever get the feeling you were being watched?
Well I didnt' get that feeling about RFCN, but I could be wrong. ....
Ok, so in case we have any faithful readers, here's the deal.
It all started at Christmas time when we decided to take a small break. I'm not sure if we wanted to necessisarily take a small break, or a break at all, but now i wonder what difference that detail actually makes.
Well, here we are... a few months into our "small break". By our, I mean me. Because, as I now realized, none of the other authors post...
Well, I had/have a few debate rounds, SAT prep, and one of those, but with enough support, we might actually be willing to get this site going again. By we, I mean I and by support, I mean 15 unique comments.
Ok, so in case we have any faithful readers, here's the deal.
It all started at Christmas time when we decided to take a small break. I'm not sure if we wanted to necessisarily take a small break, or a break at all, but now i wonder what difference that detail actually makes.
Well, here we are... a few months into our "small break". By our, I mean me. Because, as I now realized, none of the other authors post...
Well, I had/have a few debate rounds, SAT prep, and one of those, but with enough support, we might actually be willing to get this site going again. By we, I mean I and by support, I mean 15 unique comments.
1/7/08
Keeling Stuff - Part 1
For the most part, the majority of RFCN posts contain relatively new material. To date, there has not been a post about killing - or the preferred term "keeling" - stuff (eg hunting, fishing, eating steak or potatoes, beating smaller siblings, etc).
Part one.
Keeling is bad. It means that something is dead that wasn't before you did it. As put by someone recently: "Hunting and fishing are...stupid activities...and all players should be on the same playing field...not...one with a gun...and the other defenseless. All it comes down to is the...merciless slaughter of...defenseless animals."
As put by someone else: "What did a cow ever do to hurt you?" We tried to tell him about that one time the rabid cow tried to bite us as we were shoveling food into it's feeder, but he had started to get into his vegetable oil powered VW bus and drive away. I bet he was force fed steak as a child and that's why he's PETA's spinach rep. At any rate, we ate that cow.
Part one.
Keeling is bad. It means that something is dead that wasn't before you did it. As put by someone recently: "Hunting and fishing are...stupid activities...and all players should be on the same playing field...not...one with a gun...and the other defenseless. All it comes down to is the...merciless slaughter of...defenseless animals."
As put by someone else: "What did a cow ever do to hurt you?" We tried to tell him about that one time the rabid cow tried to bite us as we were shoveling food into it's feeder, but he had started to get into his vegetable oil powered VW bus and drive away. I bet he was force fed steak as a child and that's why he's PETA's spinach rep. At any rate, we ate that cow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)