One day at work, I'm sitting at one of the tables, after my shift had ended, enjoying some quesodillas when girl that I work with comes over sits with me. So, we were just sitting there talking about work n' stuff for awhile and then she asks me if I want to hear a Really Funny story. So, I said sure. Keep in mind this is a true story about one of her friends, we'll call her Karen, because I forgot her real name.
Karen was house-sitting her friend's house for a couple weeks. Her friends had a dog that was really really old. In fact, the dog was so old they were expecting it to die soon. Well, guess what? While Karen was house-sitting the dog did die. (dog did die: how's that for an alliteration?) Karen was going to bury it in the back yard, but the area she was at wouldn't allow her to bury it there. And this is no small dog either, this is a rather large golden retriever. So, what is Karen to do? She can't bury it. So what does she do? She grabs the biggest suit case she can find, and stuffs the dog into the suit case. She figured she would take the subway back to her house and bury it in her backyard. So, she's down in the subway carting around this huge suit case with a dead animal inside. So, as she struggles to get to the escalator a nice looking man walks up to her and says "hey, that looks kind of heavy, did you need some help with that?" so Karen says "Sure! That would awesome!" As there making they're way to the subway the man asks "So, what do you have in here, anyway?" Karen paused for a second or two trying to think of something that would be more believable then telling the man it was a dead golden retriever. So, she tells him "It's some stereo equipment." "Oh" the man says, then punches Karen in the jaw and takes off with the suit case!
Karen felt a little relieved and sore, but more relieved. And I'm sure she couldn't help but laugh later that some dude on the subway just stole a dead golden retriever. I wonder what he thought when opened the suit case.
2/29/08
Why Men Like Explosions
Having recently returned from seeing “Transformers”, this editor was struck with the impressive amount of combustion that is encapsulated in the film. In the span of a couple of hours the director managed to fit in at least 3,600 explosions. I place the qualifier “at least” in that sentence because I lost count after I temporarily blacked out from the sheer intensity of three thousand mechanical persons/beings/universes blowing up on screen... all at the same time. If you happened to see “Live Free or Die Hard” you would have experienced much the same thing. This is an intelligent move on the part of the directorial powers that be. They knew that the masculine theater attenders would be checking their watches, ready to walk out if the picture had not fulfilled its 1 explosion/2 deaths ratio in a 10 minute time period. This begs the question; why do men in particular crave great balls of fire? The editors uncover several reasons in the following sections.
1) Explosions are Manly
If explosions are inclined to the very nature of the male species, it would seem to follow that we would derive a special pleasure from them. This is in fact the case. Men carry on a symbiotic relationship with explosions. Explosions could not exist without men, matches, and napalm. Men, in turn, benefit from the satisfying glow and resulting destruction of the detonation. But why are we so attracted to them? This may remain a mystery to the end of the age, but perhaps the next few points will shed some light on the issue.
2) Explosions Indicate Power
As the saying goes, “Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, which results in explosions.” Can anyone deny the truth of this trusty statement? When has any individual gained and held a significant amount of power without averting to an explosion or two? Think of Jack Bauer. Think of Nagasaki. Think of Iraq. [Ed. This proves that explosions are necessary, but not sufficient, for an increase in power.] This is in fact an excellent explanation of why France has never won a war. And until they can get over their fear of their cheese, wine, and impeccably groomed moustaches being contaminated with nuclear material, the editors do not expect them to win any wars in the near or distant future. In summation, we find that when an explosion is witnessed by the general public (albeit from a safe distance), the men get a satisfying feeling that by viewing the spectacle, they too have taken part in the ultimate succinct statement of world domination, the explosion.
3) Explosions Avoid Awkward Situations
How many times have you been in a really uncomfortable situation? One where you wish you could just disappear? You know what I mean. As in “Man this is awkward. Why couldn’t I have a grenade right now, so as to blow the whole situation to kingdom come, albeit from a safe distance?” One that may be familiar to many of us is the dramatic-pause-turned-awkward-pause-in-the-2AR. Yes the self-generated delusions of grandeur come crashing down two minutes into the speech, leaving you feeling melodramatic and exposed. Ah, for the want of a flash-bang grenade a round was lost! It’s true. Men can be cowards, and we’re often more willing to blow a gaping hole in the music than face it.
4) Explosions: The Duct Tape of Life
Similar and yet different to the previous point, explosions are the layman’s, and for that matter non-layman’s, remedy to a situation that is simply not up to snuff. PC running a little slow? There’s an answer for that. Get a Mac. Mac running slow? Blow it up. There is no excuse for a Mac to be running any slower than blazing fast. On a media-centered note, I personally believe the movie “Pride and Prejudice” would have enjoyed much greater box office success if the romantic scene at the end of the picture had culminated in the tactical use of a generous amount of C-4. “Mrs. Darcy... Mrs. Darcy... Mrs. Dar-*House blows up* Dang it!”
Conclusion
We believe the sufficient coverage in this article has been... sufficient. It should now be clear as to why the masters of the Y chromosome use the "Just Say Yes" policy when it comes to combustible material.
1) Explosions are Manly
If explosions are inclined to the very nature of the male species, it would seem to follow that we would derive a special pleasure from them. This is in fact the case. Men carry on a symbiotic relationship with explosions. Explosions could not exist without men, matches, and napalm. Men, in turn, benefit from the satisfying glow and resulting destruction of the detonation. But why are we so attracted to them? This may remain a mystery to the end of the age, but perhaps the next few points will shed some light on the issue.
2) Explosions Indicate Power
As the saying goes, “Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, which results in explosions.” Can anyone deny the truth of this trusty statement? When has any individual gained and held a significant amount of power without averting to an explosion or two? Think of Jack Bauer. Think of Nagasaki. Think of Iraq. [Ed. This proves that explosions are necessary, but not sufficient, for an increase in power.] This is in fact an excellent explanation of why France has never won a war. And until they can get over their fear of their cheese, wine, and impeccably groomed moustaches being contaminated with nuclear material, the editors do not expect them to win any wars in the near or distant future. In summation, we find that when an explosion is witnessed by the general public (albeit from a safe distance), the men get a satisfying feeling that by viewing the spectacle, they too have taken part in the ultimate succinct statement of world domination, the explosion.
3) Explosions Avoid Awkward Situations
How many times have you been in a really uncomfortable situation? One where you wish you could just disappear? You know what I mean. As in “Man this is awkward. Why couldn’t I have a grenade right now, so as to blow the whole situation to kingdom come, albeit from a safe distance?” One that may be familiar to many of us is the dramatic-pause-turned-awkward-pause-in-the-2AR. Yes the self-generated delusions of grandeur come crashing down two minutes into the speech, leaving you feeling melodramatic and exposed. Ah, for the want of a flash-bang grenade a round was lost! It’s true. Men can be cowards, and we’re often more willing to blow a gaping hole in the music than face it.
4) Explosions: The Duct Tape of Life
Similar and yet different to the previous point, explosions are the layman’s, and for that matter non-layman’s, remedy to a situation that is simply not up to snuff. PC running a little slow? There’s an answer for that. Get a Mac. Mac running slow? Blow it up. There is no excuse for a Mac to be running any slower than blazing fast. On a media-centered note, I personally believe the movie “Pride and Prejudice” would have enjoyed much greater box office success if the romantic scene at the end of the picture had culminated in the tactical use of a generous amount of C-4. “Mrs. Darcy... Mrs. Darcy... Mrs. Dar-*House blows up* Dang it!”
Conclusion
We believe the sufficient coverage in this article has been... sufficient. It should now be clear as to why the masters of the Y chromosome use the "Just Say Yes" policy when it comes to combustible material.
2/23/08
We aren't dead... imagine that
Sup people.
Instead of an eloborate intro let us just say this: we decided not to die.
Here's a little message from each of the RFCN contributors.
"We are back, people! We are back and are ready for a new season of laughter and random posts that will have you dying with laughter......although we really don't want you to die of laughter. We might have a lawsuit on our hands if that happened. So, if any of you do die, sue FCN instead, because they ARE the reason we started our blog. So, prepare yourself! RFCN is going to deliver top-notch posts that will have you clamoring for more. And if not clamoring, then maybe just a deep sense of satisfaction that you've just enjoyed the time you wasted" - Zech
"Well, I guess I should start by saying "we are not dead." I think you know what I mean. The severe lack of postage in the last month or two could not have gone unnoticed. Let me be the second to tell you, this will not happen again. We are back. In solidarity with the Writers Guild we took a break, but since they are back, we are back! I think now would be a good time to explain what I mean be "we." I do not mean "we" in the usual sense of the word, because I do not include myself in the context. I was never here in the first place, so I could never have left. I am just getting started. Ladies and gentlemen.... and FCN, we are back and better then ever." - Chris "
yeah... btw now might be a good time to tell you that Chris is now a contributor to RFCN. We were going to tell you but I guess we never got around to it. But never-the-less now, you know and boy are we coming back strong because our single biggest critique is now on our side. muahhahahahaha. I know we talked about quitting quite a bit over the last couple months, but after we talked about it we just couldn't bring ourselves to do it. I mean, what would the world be like without RFCN? I took a look around and I saw 2 small children across the street throwing rocks at the building across the road and I thought... we have to stay, for them, we have to stay. I looked at all our readers who didn't have to read FCN because they found something better, something real... and I thought for them, we have to stay, for them, we have to stay." - Richard
"5 bucks says all my fellow authors abandon me again and I'll be the only one posting." -Robert
"What the heck Robert? I'll totally take that bet! I could use the money." - Chris
"Dude... Chris... don't take the bet... you'll lose and I don't want to take your money. And I don't have five bucks." - Robert
"Dang it. I'm blogging with poor people. Wasn't this supposed to be good for my reputation?" - Chris
"That's just what we told you Chris. Hey, let's bet your job. If you win, I get your job. If I win, I get five bucks and your job." -Robert
"Robert, I already took your bet, you can't back out now. So stop arguing with me." - Chris
"Go to heck Chris! I hate you... I hereby kick you off of RFCN." -Robert
"Dude, you can't kick me off, we haven't even started yet! Besides, I'm way funnier then you anyway!" - Chris
"Are not!" - Robert
"Whatever Robert, just, whatever." - Chris
"So yeah. We are back. Be prepared FCN. Who knows what you need to be prepared for, but make sure you are prepared." -jon
Katie and Trevor were both unavailible for comments.
[a few days later...]
.... No wait! Could it be? Yes it is! Don't cry yet! You can stop your plans of protest. Put away your Emo Washing Powder and keep the smiles on your face. Katie has not fallen off the face of the earth -- nor has she abandoned RFCN. She has returned to read this post and say, "you guys are so lucky you have me -- you really need help."
Instead of an eloborate intro let us just say this: we decided not to die.
Here's a little message from each of the RFCN contributors.
"We are back, people! We are back and are ready for a new season of laughter and random posts that will have you dying with laughter......although we really don't want you to die of laughter. We might have a lawsuit on our hands if that happened. So, if any of you do die, sue FCN instead, because they ARE the reason we started our blog. So, prepare yourself! RFCN is going to deliver top-notch posts that will have you clamoring for more. And if not clamoring, then maybe just a deep sense of satisfaction that you've just enjoyed the time you wasted" - Zech
"Well, I guess I should start by saying "we are not dead." I think you know what I mean. The severe lack of postage in the last month or two could not have gone unnoticed. Let me be the second to tell you, this will not happen again. We are back. In solidarity with the Writers Guild we took a break, but since they are back, we are back! I think now would be a good time to explain what I mean be "we." I do not mean "we" in the usual sense of the word, because I do not include myself in the context. I was never here in the first place, so I could never have left. I am just getting started. Ladies and gentlemen.... and FCN, we are back and better then ever." - Chris "
yeah... btw now might be a good time to tell you that Chris is now a contributor to RFCN. We were going to tell you but I guess we never got around to it. But never-the-less now, you know and boy are we coming back strong because our single biggest critique is now on our side. muahhahahahaha. I know we talked about quitting quite a bit over the last couple months, but after we talked about it we just couldn't bring ourselves to do it. I mean, what would the world be like without RFCN? I took a look around and I saw 2 small children across the street throwing rocks at the building across the road and I thought... we have to stay, for them, we have to stay. I looked at all our readers who didn't have to read FCN because they found something better, something real... and I thought for them, we have to stay, for them, we have to stay." - Richard
"5 bucks says all my fellow authors abandon me again and I'll be the only one posting." -Robert
"What the heck Robert? I'll totally take that bet! I could use the money." - Chris
"Dude... Chris... don't take the bet... you'll lose and I don't want to take your money. And I don't have five bucks." - Robert
"Dang it. I'm blogging with poor people. Wasn't this supposed to be good for my reputation?" - Chris
"That's just what we told you Chris. Hey, let's bet your job. If you win, I get your job. If I win, I get five bucks and your job." -Robert
"Robert, I already took your bet, you can't back out now. So stop arguing with me." - Chris
"Go to heck Chris! I hate you... I hereby kick you off of RFCN." -Robert
"Dude, you can't kick me off, we haven't even started yet! Besides, I'm way funnier then you anyway!" - Chris
"Are not!" - Robert
"Whatever Robert, just, whatever." - Chris
"So yeah. We are back. Be prepared FCN. Who knows what you need to be prepared for, but make sure you are prepared." -jon
Katie and Trevor were both unavailible for comments.
[a few days later...]
.... No wait! Could it be? Yes it is! Don't cry yet! You can stop your plans of protest. Put away your Emo Washing Powder and keep the smiles on your face. Katie has not fallen off the face of the earth -- nor has she abandoned RFCN. She has returned to read this post and say, "you guys are so lucky you have me -- you really need help."
2/13/08
To Our New Padre
We interrupt this period of whining because something has come to our attention. This, to be more specific.
At this point you're probably expecting us to try to get back or to tell you how much this hurt our pride... but the fact is, we're not going to get back because it didn't hurt; it felt really, really good. You see, we've never had a father before. We were a fatherless blog. ::sniff::
We just want to know how much you really love us FCN. If this is a true relationship and not just some totally fake political alliance, post the below picture on your site within 1 week with no disclaimer or explanation what-so-ever.
We just have to know that you're not going to steal our kidney and run, Daddy.
Oh and btw, we are left with no choice but to say goodbye forever unless this goes down within the week.
Sincerely, your potential godchild RFCN
At this point you're probably expecting us to try to get back or to tell you how much this hurt our pride... but the fact is, we're not going to get back because it didn't hurt; it felt really, really good. You see, we've never had a father before. We were a fatherless blog. ::sniff::
We just want to know how much you really love us FCN. If this is a true relationship and not just some totally fake political alliance, post the below picture on your site within 1 week with no disclaimer or explanation what-so-ever.
We just have to know that you're not going to steal our kidney and run, Daddy.
Oh and btw, we are left with no choice but to say goodbye forever unless this goes down within the week.
Sincerely, your potential godchild RFCN
2/9/08
Did you ever get the feeling you were being watched?
Well I didnt' get that feeling about RFCN, but I could be wrong. ....
Ok, so in case we have any faithful readers, here's the deal.
It all started at Christmas time when we decided to take a small break. I'm not sure if we wanted to necessisarily take a small break, or a break at all, but now i wonder what difference that detail actually makes.
Well, here we are... a few months into our "small break". By our, I mean me. Because, as I now realized, none of the other authors post...
Well, I had/have a few debate rounds, SAT prep, and one of those, but with enough support, we might actually be willing to get this site going again. By we, I mean I and by support, I mean 15 unique comments.
Ok, so in case we have any faithful readers, here's the deal.
It all started at Christmas time when we decided to take a small break. I'm not sure if we wanted to necessisarily take a small break, or a break at all, but now i wonder what difference that detail actually makes.
Well, here we are... a few months into our "small break". By our, I mean me. Because, as I now realized, none of the other authors post...
Well, I had/have a few debate rounds, SAT prep, and one of those, but with enough support, we might actually be willing to get this site going again. By we, I mean I and by support, I mean 15 unique comments.
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