The day had finally arrived. My first airsoft war. After carrying my gun around my house for weeks, pretending to be everyone from Jason Bourne to 007 to Rambo to a sniper taking aim at Hillary Clinton, I had finally managed to convince my friend to let me play in one of his airsoft wars. It was going to be an intense experience, I could tell. These were no pansies with peashooters. These were men who took the game seriously. In fact, my friend said I should probably wear camouflage, so as not to ruin the aura that is "Make-Believe War." "Make no mistake," said my friend. "The men who play this game are willing to give their life for their country . . . as long as they can respawn in five minutes." Amen, brother. At his behest, I purchased some used camouflage from the closest Army Surplus store. I was surprised that they had only one variety, but it was only $15! "Urban Woodland," they called it. "Isn't that . . . sort of a contradiction?" I asked. "No, sir, not at all," they said, as they ushered me quickly towards the door. "You'll be able to hide in trees . . . and in buildings! Besides, its actually harder to see the colour pink than black at night, so you've covered all your bases!" Fair enough, I thought. Versatility is probably a virtue on the battlefield.
It was 9 o'clock as I pulled up to the park where we were playing. "I hope we play until dusk, so I can take advantage of my pink camouflage!" I thought. I parked further away than most of the other cars. I told myself it was because I was a lone wolf. I think it was actually because I wanted to scope out whether anyone else was wearing pink camouflage. They weren't. My guess was that they'd spent more than $15 on their gear. I didn't even spend $15 on my wedding ring. No matter. Raw skill trumps little things like fancy-doodad getups, right? Just ask the Last Samurai! They totally murdered the gatling guns in the end, right? BTW Get Smart was the most amazing movie ever created. Go see it... in theatres now. When I got to the field of battle, some of the guys asked me to wear deer antlers. I was too smart for them. I totally saw right through their scheme. They were trying to get me to mess up my perfectly gelled hair. No way. I proceeded to ask where the boundaries were. Some of the guys laughed and said I wouldn't last that long. Haha. I laughed along with them. Haha. ... I got the feeling I laughed too long. Maybe the joke wasn't that funny. I was nervous. I tried to turn my laugh into a cough. I don't think it worked. Some of the guys started the question me. I panicked and took one of them hostage. When he tried to escape, I shot him. Little did I know, my batteries were dead. My stupid energizer bunny must have not lasted the last hunting season. I have my theories. So, I did the only thing I could think and I laughed some more. They started laughing too.
It was 9 o'clock as I pulled up to the park where we were playing. "I hope we play until dusk, so I can take advantage of my pink camouflage!" I thought. I parked further away than most of the other cars. I told myself it was because I was a lone wolf. I think it was actually because I wanted to scope out whether anyone else was wearing pink camouflage. They weren't. My guess was that they'd spent more than $15 on their gear. I didn't even spend $15 on my wedding ring. No matter. Raw skill trumps little things like fancy-doodad getups, right? Just ask the Last Samurai! They totally murdered the gatling guns in the end, right? BTW Get Smart was the most amazing movie ever created. Go see it... in theatres now. When I got to the field of battle, some of the guys asked me to wear deer antlers. I was too smart for them. I totally saw right through their scheme. They were trying to get me to mess up my perfectly gelled hair. No way. I proceeded to ask where the boundaries were. Some of the guys laughed and said I wouldn't last that long. Haha. I laughed along with them. Haha. ... I got the feeling I laughed too long. Maybe the joke wasn't that funny. I was nervous. I tried to turn my laugh into a cough. I don't think it worked. Some of the guys started the question me. I panicked and took one of them hostage. When he tried to escape, I shot him. Little did I know, my batteries were dead. My stupid energizer bunny must have not lasted the last hunting season. I have my theories. So, I did the only thing I could think and I laughed some more. They started laughing too.
What the heck am I supposed to do with no batteries? So I thought to myself, what would Chuck Norris do? Then it hit me! Chuck Norris never uses his gun. So, I played with my hands.
The first 3 people couldn't stop starring, enabling me to get close enough to throw a BB at them. Unfortunately, the rest of them caught on. I got hit worse than the energizer bunny. Desperate, I did what any sensable person would do. I called the police and told them two drug deals were going on down by the river and the gangsters were heavily armed. I suggested they shoot first. ... ... They did.
So, anyone want to play airsoft with me? I'm looking for a new group to play with.
(Congradulations to Trevor who finished half of his final post on RFCN -- Bob had to finish the rest-- Somehow I think that'll be the last thing RFCN hears from Trevor.)
1 comment:
Now, that was funny!
Post a Comment