Working at a restaurant has really given me a lot more respect for the people that work at them. From the servers to the cooks, from the hostesses to the bussers, from the bartenders to the take out girl, I respect all of them. And to help you guys respect them as well, I'm going to give you some real life examples of what frustrates restaurant employees to death!
1. Changing your babies diaper at the table.
Yes, this is true. I've seen it happen. I don't know why the heck any one would want to change their babies diaper at the dinner table, in a high class restaurant, but they do. I really don't think I need to go on about this............so I won't.
Just don't do it......it's gross......really. The other customers really don't want to smell baby doo doo while they are chomping into a $30 dollar Steak.
2. Asking to have your food come out later.
I mean come on! Who in their right mind changes their babies diaper at the dinner table. That's just disgusting. I know I said I won't go about this, but it is so appalling that it makes me want hurl.....so I'll change the subject before I do.
On more then one occasion I have had a table ask to have their food delayed. The annoying part is, is that their food is already done. I don't care if you don't want to eat, yet. If you didn't want to eat, you shouldn't have come to restaurant. If your food is done do NOT ask to have it later. It will go bad. The only thing keeping the food warm is food lamps. So, eventually, the food lamps will dry out the food, and even cook the steak, or mashed potatoes, or fries. This is the most annoying thing any customer could ask for. You're food is done, asking to eat it later will not help you in the least. In the words of Napoleon Dynamite "Eat the food, you fat lard! Gosh."
3. Draining the soda machine.
I'm not going to deny it, I am guilty of this horrendous act. In my younger days I thought it would be "cool" to drain the soda machine. All until one day when I had to switch 3 of them out at once. Those things are the biggest pain in the back (literally) to change out. And when there are 20 tables that need to be bussed, plates that need to be stocked and a 100 pound trash can that needs to be dumped, replacing a Coca-Cola soda container is the last thing that bussers want to do. Not cool guys, Not cool.
4. Leaving a Massive Mess
A Bussers job is to clean, that is what we do. But one time I had this "Latino" family come in and all they did was complain, complain, complain. They complained about the price, they complained about they're food being cold, they even complained that they're steak wasn't cooked at the right temperature! And this wasn't a family of four or five; this was a family of 20! (and to top it off one of them was wearing a "Jesus Saves" hat). So anyway, they finally tell the manager "We don't appreciate the service here so we're leaving." (and yes, they did not leave a tip). The mess they left was like a Hurricane Katrina re-enactment. It was brutal. Disastrous. Painstakingly long to clean. Me and the other Busser, Ricky, had to pick up everything. plates, knives, forks, glasses, napkins that were littered all over the floor. Yeah, this was not fun. So yeah. Lesson learned, people?
5. Customers That Think They know More then their Server
Yeah, there was one time when a lady came into the restaurant to dine. She asked for a Salmon and she wanted it "Blackened." Now for those of you who don't know what Blackened Salmon is, it is when the cooks put a lot of extra seasonings on it to give it a "blacker" look. So, she gets her salmon, it's a beautiful looking salmon. Perfection. This snob of a lady turns to her server and says "Excuse me, I asked for this salmon to be blackened, NOT BURNT! So, can you please go tell whoever the retard is that made this salmon to make it right!" Yes, that was a direct quote. But it doesn't stop there, upon giving the lady her new salmon she then proceeded to tell her server that we served her the wrong salmon! At my restaurant we serve two types of salmons, and trust me, she got the right one. Boy howdy, I don't think there was a single cook that didn't want to do bodily harm to that lady. We had to stop one of them from running out there with a knife......seriously. And this isn't a rare occasion either. There have been times when the customer told us we served them a pork chop, when they ordered a steak. How one can confuse a pork chop with a Joe's steak is beyond me, but it has happened.
The resaurant biz can be quite a lot of fun, but only when we have great customers. In case you didn't get the hint, these are examples of BAD customers. The kind of customers that we wanted to kick out, but legally couldn't. So, the next time you're at a restaurant remember these helpful tips to make your server a happy server: (1) Don't change your baby's diaper at the table; (2) Don't ask to have your food delayed; (3) Do not drain the soda fountain; (4) Do not Leave a disastrous mess when you leave; and (5) Don't think you know more then the server, they work there and you don't. Thanks for reading, and always "We're keeping it honest, in a dishonest way."
9/27/07
We don't believe it
Just when we thought we were all alone...
And nothing was going our way...
And believe us you, we know it's part of life...
But it just seemed like everyone was out to get us...
And we were running out of patience...
It seemed like there was nowhere to go...
Then out of nowhere...
Something we didn't see coming...
One of those thing you don't expect but always hoped for...
TREVOR POSTED!!!
AND NOW WE FEEL LIKE WE CAN FLY!
And nothing was going our way...
And believe us you, we know it's part of life...
But it just seemed like everyone was out to get us...
And we were running out of patience...
It seemed like there was nowhere to go...
Then out of nowhere...
Something we didn't see coming...
One of those thing you don't expect but always hoped for...
TREVOR POSTED!!!
AND NOW WE FEEL LIKE WE CAN FLY!
9/26/07
The Airsofter's Journey: Part the Oneth
Let me begin by saying that I am not very much of a war-supporter. In fact I am basically anti-war. As such I frequent such sites as this one. This sometimes garners reproach from my friends.
"What?" They say in reprimand. "You're anti-war? You must be against stopping the terrorists! You must be against the second amendment!", they continue, "You must be a Democrat!". Well shoot, if being anti-war is left, I don't want to be right! No in fact, being anti-war does not mean shunning self-defense and supporting universal healthcare, it simply means that you are a sane person. I would be in fact much disturbed were I to encounter a person who was in fact pro-war. I would recoil in horror!
"What!" I would say in reproachful tones. "You're pro-war? You must be for preemptive strikes! you must be for interventionism! You must be... well now, you must be a Republican!" To which we would both doubtless stomp off in our respective directions, our opinions of each other greatly diminished as a result of this small ideological exchange.
And so having cleared up this little misunderstanding, I now move to the result of my anti-war sentiments: Airsoft. Airsoft is a fast-growing sport in the States that involves firing small bb's at other people. A popular definition of airsoft is as follows:
" Airsoft; A sport in which underdeveloped, socially deficient teenagers who are too chicken to join the real military live out their fantasies by firing little white things that couldn't hurt a small bird at each other, thinking (somehow) that this makes them tough and cool."
But you say to yourself "This is inconsistent! How can you be anti-war, yet play war games? a contradiction!" Nay fair reader... consider the following syllogism;
A) The Editor is Anti-war.
B) War involves killing people.
C) Therefore, Airsoft is cool.
If you have difficulty grasping this, I humbly submit that the problem is yours, not mine. And so having been introduced to this sport by my friends, and being a socially deficient teenager myself, I was drawn to it. "Yes!" I thought to myself. "Now I can look like I'm tough without having to be tough... kind of like that one band they're always playing!" This was in fact one of several reasons I was first drawn to the activity... the other reasons being:
-During Airsoft a mask is worn the whole time. This minimizes the amount of time you have to actually converse with other people, trying to think of witty dialogue then regressing into an awkward silence, and maximizes the amount of time you can shoot at them.
-If I was mad at someone, I could just invite them to play Airsoft with me! Then once we were out on the field, I could pull some "accidental" friendly fire moves! "Woops!" I would say. "My bad!"
And so armed with my syllogism, my underdeveloped biceps, my three awesome reasons for Airsofting, and about $40 ("Surely this will be enough." I thought), I headed to my nearest Airsoft retailer...
EDITOR'S NOTE: This post does not conform to RFCN's Truthfulness standards. This post contains certain amounts of truth combined with what Stephen Colbert has coined "Truthiness".
"What?" They say in reprimand. "You're anti-war? You must be against stopping the terrorists! You must be against the second amendment!", they continue, "You must be a Democrat!". Well shoot, if being anti-war is left, I don't want to be right! No in fact, being anti-war does not mean shunning self-defense and supporting universal healthcare, it simply means that you are a sane person. I would be in fact much disturbed were I to encounter a person who was in fact pro-war. I would recoil in horror!
"What!" I would say in reproachful tones. "You're pro-war? You must be for preemptive strikes! you must be for interventionism! You must be... well now, you must be a Republican!" To which we would both doubtless stomp off in our respective directions, our opinions of each other greatly diminished as a result of this small ideological exchange.
And so having cleared up this little misunderstanding, I now move to the result of my anti-war sentiments: Airsoft. Airsoft is a fast-growing sport in the States that involves firing small bb's at other people. A popular definition of airsoft is as follows:
" Airsoft; A sport in which underdeveloped, socially deficient teenagers who are too chicken to join the real military live out their fantasies by firing little white things that couldn't hurt a small bird at each other, thinking (somehow) that this makes them tough and cool."
But you say to yourself "This is inconsistent! How can you be anti-war, yet play war games? a contradiction!" Nay fair reader... consider the following syllogism;
A) The Editor is Anti-war.
B) War involves killing people.
C) Therefore, Airsoft is cool.
If you have difficulty grasping this, I humbly submit that the problem is yours, not mine. And so having been introduced to this sport by my friends, and being a socially deficient teenager myself, I was drawn to it. "Yes!" I thought to myself. "Now I can look like I'm tough without having to be tough... kind of like that one band they're always playing!" This was in fact one of several reasons I was first drawn to the activity... the other reasons being:
-During Airsoft a mask is worn the whole time. This minimizes the amount of time you have to actually converse with other people, trying to think of witty dialogue then regressing into an awkward silence, and maximizes the amount of time you can shoot at them.
-If I was mad at someone, I could just invite them to play Airsoft with me! Then once we were out on the field, I could pull some "accidental" friendly fire moves! "Woops!" I would say. "My bad!"
And so armed with my syllogism, my underdeveloped biceps, my three awesome reasons for Airsofting, and about $40 ("Surely this will be enough." I thought), I headed to my nearest Airsoft retailer...
EDITOR'S NOTE: This post does not conform to RFCN's Truthfulness standards. This post contains certain amounts of truth combined with what Stephen Colbert has coined "Truthiness".
9/25/07
Does anybody hear me?
Do you ever feel alone?
Do you ever feel like nobody likes you?
Do you ever feel constantly made fun of?
Do you wish you could just laugh in every one's face?
If the questions mentioned above seem to describe you, then RFCN relates to you. Yes, we at RFCN know exactly what you are going through. Please join RFCN's support group. Just email reallyfunnyclassnotes@gmail.com with the subject line "help me". We meet regularly on Tuesday nights for a time of sharing and discussing how to get back at all the mean RFCN haters and comments... President Bush if you are out there, we are here for you too. Unfortunately this is not open invitation. If your name is Chris, you are not invited... even if you aren't Chris Y. The name Chris is simply too painful to hear for many of the RFCN authors... maybe not for Trevera because he never reads our site.
Do you ever feel like nobody likes you?
Do you ever feel constantly made fun of?
Do you wish you could just laugh in every one's face?
If the questions mentioned above seem to describe you, then RFCN relates to you. Yes, we at RFCN know exactly what you are going through. Please join RFCN's support group. Just email reallyfunnyclassnotes@gmail.com with the subject line "help me". We meet regularly on Tuesday nights for a time of sharing and discussing how to get back at all the mean RFCN haters and comments... President Bush if you are out there, we are here for you too. Unfortunately this is not open invitation. If your name is Chris, you are not invited... even if you aren't Chris Y. The name Chris is simply too painful to hear for many of the RFCN authors... maybe not for Trevera because he never reads our site.
9/24/07
I have a dream
Many suns ahead, in a galaxy far, far, near; there was a boy, a boy who had a dream, a dream that wouldn’t go away. In this dream, that wouldn’t go away, and was created by the boy, there was another world, another world that resembled our current world. And in that other world which resembled the current world, there was a country called America. That country, which was called America, was where the boy, that had the dream that wouldn’t go away... shoot! ::thinks really hard:: I forgot where I was going with that. um... vote Ron Paul?!
9/21/07
Hear ye now Trevera
Trevor, you have ten days to edit this post and post something or you are out! Post anything! Just flippen post something in this box!
Are you out there Trevor?
Are you out there Trevor?
Nina!
I just finished watching 24 episode 10-11 pm season one and... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Nina was a plant!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ::runs around banging head on things:: They can't do that! Now she's going to get killed and be off the show soon! Nooooooooo Nina! Please explain why you were talking in a foreign language secretly giving information to the bad guys! They'll believe you. I believe you. Just please don't' be a bad guy! Nina if you are out there reading RFCN before you start season 2, tell them you are innocent! Turn yourself in! I'll help defend you as soon as I get a law degree! I promise!
Oh wait, what if she gets killed in the last episode of season 1! ahh ::runs to watch last episode::
Oh wait, what if she gets killed in the last episode of season 1! ahh ::runs to watch last episode::
9/20/07
def not me
yeah, that wasn't me either. Which pretty much leaves one person who we can logically assume posted it.
The Most Original Post Ever.
This is the "Most Original Post Ever."
HAHA!
This has been the "Most Original Post Ever."
HAHA!
This has been the "Most Original Post Ever."
9/19/07
National be a pirate day
9/18/07
Funny Stories: the attempted assassination of Sammy Sosa
Sunday I was going to a baseball game between the A's and the Rangers. I went with my sister and grabbed my backpack so I'd have a bag for my sweater. I grabbed my school books out of it quickly and off I went. After a long drive and a Bart ride, we arrived at the coliseum. As we started to go through the security check, I emptied my backpack for this war hardened looking dude obviously from Oakland. As I pulled it out I replied "yeah I just have two jackets and..." There was Jeremiah's air soft glock pistol.
Chris O gave me his pistol at debate class on Friday and when I pulled my books out of my backpack, it stayed in there.
I swear the dude didn't even check if it was real, he just said: "can't bring that in there"
I'm like: "yeah sorrry!"
A couple steps later I realized I had no idea what I was going to do with the pistol!
We took the Bart from Dublin so no car to put anything anywhere.
I looked at the trash can but, almost simultaneously I remembered how buff Jeremiah was. Visions of my head being removed by his bicep kept reoccurring.
I knew I'd have to go back to the gangsta security man to ask for help.
Luckily they had some storage center around the building for a 3 dollar charge.
Welp, since I'm not writing this post from jail, I'm sure you all can figure out it worked out.
Chris O gave me his pistol at debate class on Friday and when I pulled my books out of my backpack, it stayed in there.
I swear the dude didn't even check if it was real, he just said: "can't bring that in there"
I'm like: "yeah sorrry!"
A couple steps later I realized I had no idea what I was going to do with the pistol!
We took the Bart from Dublin so no car to put anything anywhere.
I looked at the trash can but, almost simultaneously I remembered how buff Jeremiah was. Visions of my head being removed by his bicep kept reoccurring.
I knew I'd have to go back to the gangsta security man to ask for help.
Luckily they had some storage center around the building for a 3 dollar charge.
Welp, since I'm not writing this post from jail, I'm sure you all can figure out it worked out.
9/15/07
The Truth
There's a streak of honesty sweeping across blogville. We figured we'd take this opportunity to tell you a little more about the authors of RFCN. And well... when a picture is worth a thousand words, why waste time being redundant?
You know what the difference is between us and FCN?
WE MAKE THIS LOOK GOOD.
**missing from this post is our new author Chris**
You know what the difference is between us and FCN?
WE MAKE THIS LOOK GOOD.
**missing from this post is our new author Chris**
9/14/07
A few tips for reading FCN
Well, hopefully everyone is keeping up with our little sister site http://funnyclassnotes.blogspot.com/. And for those of you who are, we have some tips to share with you that help us read through there sometimes very long, mostly late punch lined but, potentially funny and worth the reading, FCN posts.
Never look ahead to see how long it is
If you are reading through it and it starts to get boring, the worst thing you can do is scroll ahead and see you have 3 paragraphs left to read. Reading one line at a time helps you get through the script and hopefully, will be worth it if there is indeed, a punchline... or maybe just a har har story.
Don't expect a punchline
Read FCN posts just expecting to be mildly entertained. If something is actually pretty funny, it will surprise you and you will actually laugh.
LOL!
Always laugh out loud to yourself at anything that you thimk shoulda been funny, is funny, or isn't much of anything. Laughing out loud will help you laugh more at punchlines that come in the post. LOL also helps relieve some of the tension and expectations you have when reading a humor blog. It's just not right to expect a humor blog to be funny on EVERY post. ... ESPecially one that posts everyday
Read FCN before RFCN
Be sure to start with FCN, that way you are not disappointed or have too high standards for them.
Hope this helps ya all...
... uhh, please post, don't come back to haunt us.
Never look ahead to see how long it is
If you are reading through it and it starts to get boring, the worst thing you can do is scroll ahead and see you have 3 paragraphs left to read. Reading one line at a time helps you get through the script and hopefully, will be worth it if there is indeed, a punchline... or maybe just a har har story.
Don't expect a punchline
Read FCN posts just expecting to be mildly entertained. If something is actually pretty funny, it will surprise you and you will actually laugh.
LOL!
Always laugh out loud to yourself at anything that you thimk shoulda been funny, is funny, or isn't much of anything. Laughing out loud will help you laugh more at punchlines that come in the post. LOL also helps relieve some of the tension and expectations you have when reading a humor blog. It's just not right to expect a humor blog to be funny on EVERY post. ... ESPecially one that posts everyday
Read FCN before RFCN
Be sure to start with FCN, that way you are not disappointed or have too high standards for them.
Hope this helps ya all...
... uhh, please post, don't come back to haunt us.
9/13/07
FCN, it's time
Cody, Travis and Dan?
RFCN really thinks it's time for you guys to stop acting like you have 10 unique visitors.
RFCN believes in honesty to it's readers. It's disappointing that our sister site is so Envoy-ish on these issues.
What's the current count? 20,000?
RFCN really thinks it's time for you guys to stop acting like you have 10 unique visitors.
RFCN believes in honesty to it's readers. It's disappointing that our sister site is so Envoy-ish on these issues.
What's the current count? 20,000?
9/11/07
House Cleaning
Welcome to Really Funny Class Notes, we would like to take this time to update our readers on RFCN policies and promises.
First off we would like to thank everyone who has visited our site that goes out to EVERYONE from girlfriends all the way to our arch enemies who visit our site to spit us but in fact do not realize that the jokes on them because they still visit our site and we count that as success because all we wanted was readers anyways
Now that sentence brings up another issue, grammar. We here at RFCN belief that there is nothing more important, then not caring about grammar. IF you had problems reading our post because of the grammar, then you need to go to a support group. The only way that is even possible, is if while reading a sentence the only thing you even think about is the grammar mistakes. This in fact could be a legitimate problem. We however, seriously doubt that our grammar has affected our reader’s ability to read something; we know this because most comments are as follows:
"That post was lame; you guys need to stop insulting Travis. And btw the grammar was so bad I couldn't read it."
That actually brings us to the next issue, commenting. Please do not get us wrong, we appreciate positive comments. But if you didn't like the post, don't comment. We'll get the point after a while. But RFCN studies have in fact shown that negative comments affect overall site popularity. This is simply because humor is subjective, and some of your comments try to make it seem as if humor is objective. Thus convincing people that something that may have been funny is in fact not.
Bringing us to the next topic; funny posts. We here at RFCN actually (believe it or not) prefer to post only that which is funny... and TRUTHFUL! Unlike Funny Class notes (trade mark of RFCN) we guarantee that everything we say is true, is in fact, true. But in an effort to guarantee funniness, we do not guarantee originality. Deal with it.
RFCN would like to point out that we now have a total of 1,391 visits (933 unique) and an average of 30 per day. So, in an effort to expand; we expanded. We now have 5 contributors, the newest is Zech Keenan.
We also don't see a reason why not one of you has ever clicked on an AD at the bottom of our site. Please, it makes us money, maybe someday we can buy a professional editor and then you won't have to complain about our grammar... but that said, please only do it if you our legitimately interested in the AD, we say that in order not to get sued by Google.
At this point we would like to take a moment to thank Funnny Class Notes For their part in our success. We realize it must be hard for you to see us have almost 10 times the unique hits and over 13 times the visits that you have. So instead of holding this above you, we would like to remind our viewers that FCN exists and it is not a crime to visit their site. Remember; Just say yes to funniness
Now, the last issue we should cover is that of the frequency of posts. We actually take pride in the fact that we post only a few times a week. We believe this gives everyone the time to find time to read our latest post. So instead of overwhelming you with too many posts to catch up on like FCN, you have plenty of time to read through our posts before the next one.
And we would like to end this house cleaning post by joining FCN and saying; vote Ron Paul and clean your own house, it's you responsibility.
First off we would like to thank everyone who has visited our site that goes out to EVERYONE from girlfriends all the way to our arch enemies who visit our site to spit us but in fact do not realize that the jokes on them because they still visit our site and we count that as success because all we wanted was readers anyways
Now that sentence brings up another issue, grammar. We here at RFCN belief that there is nothing more important, then not caring about grammar. IF you had problems reading our post because of the grammar, then you need to go to a support group. The only way that is even possible, is if while reading a sentence the only thing you even think about is the grammar mistakes. This in fact could be a legitimate problem. We however, seriously doubt that our grammar has affected our reader’s ability to read something; we know this because most comments are as follows:
"That post was lame; you guys need to stop insulting Travis. And btw the grammar was so bad I couldn't read it."
That actually brings us to the next issue, commenting. Please do not get us wrong, we appreciate positive comments. But if you didn't like the post, don't comment. We'll get the point after a while. But RFCN studies have in fact shown that negative comments affect overall site popularity. This is simply because humor is subjective, and some of your comments try to make it seem as if humor is objective. Thus convincing people that something that may have been funny is in fact not.
Bringing us to the next topic; funny posts. We here at RFCN actually (believe it or not) prefer to post only that which is funny... and TRUTHFUL! Unlike Funny Class notes (trade mark of RFCN) we guarantee that everything we say is true, is in fact, true. But in an effort to guarantee funniness, we do not guarantee originality. Deal with it.
RFCN would like to point out that we now have a total of 1,391 visits (933 unique) and an average of 30 per day. So, in an effort to expand; we expanded. We now have 5 contributors, the newest is Zech Keenan.
We also don't see a reason why not one of you has ever clicked on an AD at the bottom of our site. Please, it makes us money, maybe someday we can buy a professional editor and then you won't have to complain about our grammar... but that said, please only do it if you our legitimately interested in the AD, we say that in order not to get sued by Google.
At this point we would like to take a moment to thank Funnny Class Notes For their part in our success. We realize it must be hard for you to see us have almost 10 times the unique hits and over 13 times the visits that you have. So instead of holding this above you, we would like to remind our viewers that FCN exists and it is not a crime to visit their site. Remember; Just say yes to funniness
Now, the last issue we should cover is that of the frequency of posts. We actually take pride in the fact that we post only a few times a week. We believe this gives everyone the time to find time to read our latest post. So instead of overwhelming you with too many posts to catch up on like FCN, you have plenty of time to read through our posts before the next one.
And we would like to end this house cleaning post by joining FCN and saying; vote Ron Paul and clean your own house, it's you responsibility.
In memory of those who fell
Chris asked once "why we would have a humor blog and write things that aren't funny". To answer his question, sometimes things are important to say on a site with almost 1,000 hits. One of those things we'd like to say right now is just a reminder of the date.
9/11
I watched a video today of a phone conversation between Fire Dispatch and someone inside the second tower (caught in smoke). He was begging the fire department to get to him to the point of screaming profanity. The fire department assured him they were in the building trying to get to him when suddenly the building collapsed. The video showed the tower start the collapse as you heard the man scream in horror and die.
Let us not live in fear... but let us not forget the fear we once had.
To the heroes of 9/11... your bravery is the reason why we live in a great nation.
To the heroes that fought or are fighting in war on terror in Afghanistan, your bravery is the reason why our great nation still exists.
9/11
I watched a video today of a phone conversation between Fire Dispatch and someone inside the second tower (caught in smoke). He was begging the fire department to get to him to the point of screaming profanity. The fire department assured him they were in the building trying to get to him when suddenly the building collapsed. The video showed the tower start the collapse as you heard the man scream in horror and die.
Let us not live in fear... but let us not forget the fear we once had.
To the heroes of 9/11... your bravery is the reason why we live in a great nation.
To the heroes that fought or are fighting in war on terror in Afghanistan, your bravery is the reason why our great nation still exists.
9/7/07
Smile and smoothness
If you were waiting for the opportune moment, that was it.
Have you ever been around a girl and the opportunity came up to compliment her on her looks, but you just didn’t know if she’d like it? Or maybe you were at a ball room dance and you and hottie over there were the only ones left, but you just didn’t know if you could pull it off? Or perhaps you were greeting a friend you knew pretty well and she looked like she was waiting for you to give her a hug. If you have ever found yourself in a situation like this and you thought it felt awkward how timing and random chance gave you a shot with a girl, then you have had an opportune moment. But if you have been in a situation where it would be awkward and almost wrong for you NOT to hold the girls hand, hug her, or say something kind, then you’ve had a REALLY OBVIOUS Opportune Moment.
Listen carefully ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, and Travis… girls know if you miss an opportune moment. So, if what we are saying seems to apply to you, then we have just the thing for you. RFCN is starting a new series on advice called REALLY Obvious Opportune Moments (ROOM).
Lesson One:
Photographs
The situation:
You are standing or sitting with a girl. You’d like to put your arm around her for any reason and suddenly… someone wants a picture of you two.
This is a ROO moment!
I know you all are thinking that you already know when to do it etc…
Let’s take a look at some moments missed.
As you can see, sometimes avoiding opportune moments end up making awkward moments for both sexes. It's also dead obvious as you both sit or stand rubbing arms trying to smile for the camera. ... Buuuut that's not the worst that can happen. No doubt doing a hug incorrectly can make the moment even more awkward.
Chris in the this picture is what we like to call, overly opportune Momentous. That's bad. Sorry Chris, a little too much effort in that last one.
Comeon peeps... this is how it's done...
Have you ever been around a girl and the opportunity came up to compliment her on her looks, but you just didn’t know if she’d like it? Or maybe you were at a ball room dance and you and hottie over there were the only ones left, but you just didn’t know if you could pull it off? Or perhaps you were greeting a friend you knew pretty well and she looked like she was waiting for you to give her a hug. If you have ever found yourself in a situation like this and you thought it felt awkward how timing and random chance gave you a shot with a girl, then you have had an opportune moment. But if you have been in a situation where it would be awkward and almost wrong for you NOT to hold the girls hand, hug her, or say something kind, then you’ve had a REALLY OBVIOUS Opportune Moment.
Listen carefully ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, and Travis… girls know if you miss an opportune moment. So, if what we are saying seems to apply to you, then we have just the thing for you. RFCN is starting a new series on advice called REALLY Obvious Opportune Moments (ROOM).
Lesson One:
Photographs
The situation:
You are standing or sitting with a girl. You’d like to put your arm around her for any reason and suddenly… someone wants a picture of you two.
This is a ROO moment!
I know you all are thinking that you already know when to do it etc…
Let’s take a look at some moments missed.
As you can see, sometimes avoiding opportune moments end up making awkward moments for both sexes. It's also dead obvious as you both sit or stand rubbing arms trying to smile for the camera. ... Buuuut that's not the worst that can happen. No doubt doing a hug incorrectly can make the moment even more awkward.
Chris in the this picture is what we like to call, overly opportune Momentous. That's bad. Sorry Chris, a little too much effort in that last one.
Comeon peeps... this is how it's done...
RFCN takes a trip to Africa
It wasn't hot enough in California for RFCN, so we took a trip to Africa over the past few days.
Our mission was clear - help native rain forest Indians in Africa protect endangered gorillas from poachers and global warming.
As the plane soared over the rich African rain forest, our pilot announced over the intercom that our destination airport was being taken over by rebel fighters in a coup. Needless to say, we didn't land there. The pilot then announced that after a quick Google Earth search, he had found an abandoned airstrip within 3 miles of our objective airport. Banking to the left, the pilot began his descent.
As our pilot eased the massive Boeing 747 onto the weed covered runway, our contact appeared at the edge of the clearing. By the time we had disembarked the aircraft via an emergency slide, Kuld had reached the aircraft
"Unuggh ugyen, FCN klamef tuda," he grunted, gesturing to to the forest.
Rob, the only member of our party who could speak Swahili, translated for the rest of us.
"Well, apparently Klud has seen poachers coming this direction from the airport."
"Ingu nastd txfu potge tszan."
"And the poachers are armed with machine guns and RPGs..."
"Yher vir edtu ga!"
"...they are driving two jeeps and slashing his pineapple plants with a machete!" Exclaimed Rob. "Let's head to your villa- oh stupid me, I'm talking to you in English! Iteni wayupe qten, Klud."
Klud began walking into the dense jungle, seemingly at Rob's suggestion, so we grabbed our gear and started after him. After what seemed to be at least a dozen miles of following Klud's footpath, we reached his village. Houses built in the trees was obviously the dominate style in the area, and Klud showed us to the central lodge where we would be staying the night with his weapons cache.
It was getting late by the time Klud's wife brought us a customary monkey arm platter for dinner. By the light of a torch, we went over our supplies.
"Well I brought some Cliff bars and Gatorade....and a spare shirt," announced Jon.
"WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING?!?" Screamed Richard. "WE ARE IN THE JUNGLE, SOON TO BE FIGHTING POACHERS, NOT ON A DAY HIKE!"
"Oh."
"Oh is right, and I'm not giving any of my Zone bars or Monster to you. As for the rest of my equipment, I purchased a compound bow before we left, I hope I can kill the poachers who slashed Klud's pineapples," Rich mused. "And I brought more than one shirt to change into."
"You brought 2 shirts? I actually brought several full changes of clothes," said Rob. "I brought a portable chemistry kit, just in case." With that, Rob made some toothpaste with his chemistry kit, smeared it on his teeth, and headed to bed.
"Riiiiight. A chemistry kit." Everything was starting to make sense to Jon. Or possibly it was just what he thought made sense but was completely wrong like every other time something "made sense" to him.
"Shut up and go to sleep," mumbled Rich as he stuffed the last of the monkey meat into his mouth and laid down on the bough floor.
As the night grew colder, the sleeping RFCN team dreamt about eating their Cliff and Zone bars.
With a start, Richard sat up to the early morning sun. "Guys wake up, what was that?"
"What was what?" murmured Jon
"That noise. It sounds like a car"
"It's probably a car. Why don't you go kill a poacher or something?"
"Good idea, I'll take Rob with me."
Rich started thinking about what would happen if he and Rob actually managed to kill or wound a poacher. "Would Rob and I have to bury him right then and there? Should we leave his body out to rot in the humid jungle? What if the car I heard was one of the two that Klud told Rob about yesterday? Would they return fire? Would they kill me?!? Wait, if I paint myself blue and hang some of Jon's teeth by a string on my neck, perhaps I can sneak away from the poachers before they see me."
So with that brilliant logic, Richard painted himself blue with the Cobalt from Rob's chemistry kit. He then woke the still sleeping Rob. After finding out why Richard was painted blue, Rob and Rich left the lodge with their gear in search of the poachers.
They started off in a northern direction, stopping only briefly to eat moss and Zone bars. Suddenly they stumbled upon what appeared to be a road cut out of the jungle by a machete only a few hours before.
"So this is what Klud was talking about yesterday, only the poachers have gotten much closer to the village," mumbled Rob. "Hey Rich, let's follow this path."
"Hold on chum, which way are you going to go?"
"Uhhhh...left?"
"How about if you be quiet for a minute and we'll see if we can hear the cars again."
.....::the sound of a clutch grinding drifts from the path to the right::......
"See? Right, not left! Let's go," said Rich.
After 30 minutes, Richard saw a jeep ahead of them on the trail. In the rear, a figure faced forward clutching a tripod mounted machine gun, while his comrade sat next to him, facing Richard. As Richard scanned the rest of the group, the only man who could possibly notice him sneak up was the bloke facing the rear, who Richard just noticed was drinking a soda.
"Get into the foliage Rob, you don't have blue paint and a tooth necklace for camouflage! I'm going to nail the guy facing this way with my bow," hissed Richard.
Robert watched the pure power or the bow flex under Richard's massive arms as a blue arrow was drawn silently. Then with a barley audible "twang," the arrow lept forward and thudded into the bulletproof vest of the poacher, who promptly fell off of the jeep, spitting the foamy Coke out of his mouth as he hit the forest floor.
Robert's jaw dropped as he then saw the individual at the mounted machine gun start shooting randomly into the forest, completely unaware that Richard was crouching to the side of the path behind him. As the smoke from the machine gun cleared, Richard jumped into the middle of the path and gave a traditional Swahili war screech, holding his bow to the trees. The moran operating the gun began firing again, somehow unable to hit Richard. Suddenly there was a sharp report of a sniper rifle, and Rob saw an old woman in the front lowering her customized Gorilla sniper. She also proved to be a lame shot, missing Richard by several feet as he jumped into the bushes by the path.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To be continued...
Our mission was clear - help native rain forest Indians in Africa protect endangered gorillas from poachers and global warming.
As the plane soared over the rich African rain forest, our pilot announced over the intercom that our destination airport was being taken over by rebel fighters in a coup. Needless to say, we didn't land there. The pilot then announced that after a quick Google Earth search, he had found an abandoned airstrip within 3 miles of our objective airport. Banking to the left, the pilot began his descent.
As our pilot eased the massive Boeing 747 onto the weed covered runway, our contact appeared at the edge of the clearing. By the time we had disembarked the aircraft via an emergency slide, Kuld had reached the aircraft
"Unuggh ugyen, FCN klamef tuda," he grunted, gesturing to to the forest.
Rob, the only member of our party who could speak Swahili, translated for the rest of us.
"Well, apparently Klud has seen poachers coming this direction from the airport."
"Ingu nastd txfu potge tszan."
"And the poachers are armed with machine guns and RPGs..."
"Yher vir edtu ga!"
"...they are driving two jeeps and slashing his pineapple plants with a machete!" Exclaimed Rob. "Let's head to your villa- oh stupid me, I'm talking to you in English! Iteni wayupe qten, Klud."
Klud began walking into the dense jungle, seemingly at Rob's suggestion, so we grabbed our gear and started after him. After what seemed to be at least a dozen miles of following Klud's footpath, we reached his village. Houses built in the trees was obviously the dominate style in the area, and Klud showed us to the central lodge where we would be staying the night with his weapons cache.
It was getting late by the time Klud's wife brought us a customary monkey arm platter for dinner. By the light of a torch, we went over our supplies.
"Well I brought some Cliff bars and Gatorade....and a spare shirt," announced Jon.
"WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING?!?" Screamed Richard. "WE ARE IN THE JUNGLE, SOON TO BE FIGHTING POACHERS, NOT ON A DAY HIKE!"
"Oh."
"Oh is right, and I'm not giving any of my Zone bars or Monster to you. As for the rest of my equipment, I purchased a compound bow before we left, I hope I can kill the poachers who slashed Klud's pineapples," Rich mused. "And I brought more than one shirt to change into."
"You brought 2 shirts? I actually brought several full changes of clothes," said Rob. "I brought a portable chemistry kit, just in case." With that, Rob made some toothpaste with his chemistry kit, smeared it on his teeth, and headed to bed.
"Riiiiight. A chemistry kit." Everything was starting to make sense to Jon. Or possibly it was just what he thought made sense but was completely wrong like every other time something "made sense" to him.
"Shut up and go to sleep," mumbled Rich as he stuffed the last of the monkey meat into his mouth and laid down on the bough floor.
As the night grew colder, the sleeping RFCN team dreamt about eating their Cliff and Zone bars.
With a start, Richard sat up to the early morning sun. "Guys wake up, what was that?"
"What was what?" murmured Jon
"That noise. It sounds like a car"
"It's probably a car. Why don't you go kill a poacher or something?"
"Good idea, I'll take Rob with me."
Rich started thinking about what would happen if he and Rob actually managed to kill or wound a poacher. "Would Rob and I have to bury him right then and there? Should we leave his body out to rot in the humid jungle? What if the car I heard was one of the two that Klud told Rob about yesterday? Would they return fire? Would they kill me?!? Wait, if I paint myself blue and hang some of Jon's teeth by a string on my neck, perhaps I can sneak away from the poachers before they see me."
So with that brilliant logic, Richard painted himself blue with the Cobalt from Rob's chemistry kit. He then woke the still sleeping Rob. After finding out why Richard was painted blue, Rob and Rich left the lodge with their gear in search of the poachers.
They started off in a northern direction, stopping only briefly to eat moss and Zone bars. Suddenly they stumbled upon what appeared to be a road cut out of the jungle by a machete only a few hours before.
"So this is what Klud was talking about yesterday, only the poachers have gotten much closer to the village," mumbled Rob. "Hey Rich, let's follow this path."
"Hold on chum, which way are you going to go?"
"Uhhhh...left?"
"How about if you be quiet for a minute and we'll see if we can hear the cars again."
.....::the sound of a clutch grinding drifts from the path to the right::......
"See? Right, not left! Let's go," said Rich.
After 30 minutes, Richard saw a jeep ahead of them on the trail. In the rear, a figure faced forward clutching a tripod mounted machine gun, while his comrade sat next to him, facing Richard. As Richard scanned the rest of the group, the only man who could possibly notice him sneak up was the bloke facing the rear, who Richard just noticed was drinking a soda.
"Get into the foliage Rob, you don't have blue paint and a tooth necklace for camouflage! I'm going to nail the guy facing this way with my bow," hissed Richard.
Robert watched the pure power or the bow flex under Richard's massive arms as a blue arrow was drawn silently. Then with a barley audible "twang," the arrow lept forward and thudded into the bulletproof vest of the poacher, who promptly fell off of the jeep, spitting the foamy Coke out of his mouth as he hit the forest floor.
Robert's jaw dropped as he then saw the individual at the mounted machine gun start shooting randomly into the forest, completely unaware that Richard was crouching to the side of the path behind him. As the smoke from the machine gun cleared, Richard jumped into the middle of the path and gave a traditional Swahili war screech, holding his bow to the trees. The moran operating the gun began firing again, somehow unable to hit Richard. Suddenly there was a sharp report of a sniper rifle, and Rob saw an old woman in the front lowering her customized Gorilla sniper. She also proved to be a lame shot, missing Richard by several feet as he jumped into the bushes by the path.
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To be continued...
9/6/07
Prank tip #3
We thought it was time for another prank tip.
First, steal (ok, fine, don't steal...just borrow very discretely) a friend's cell phone. Set the alarm function of the phone to sometime around 3 AM. If the phone has multiple alarms, set them 20 minutes apart starting a few hours after you know the victim will be asleep. Turn the alarm volume up completely.
Next, set their wallpaper to an image of Travis Herche sipping slimfast, and lock the wallpaper with password under the settings.*
Lastly, change the language of the phone to Korean or Mandarin Chinese and return the phone to your friend.
*Please note that FCN can be held liable in a Federal court of law for any damages - physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, property, and monetary - that occur to any individual who has a picture of Travis Herche sipping slimfast set on their phone by any individual hereinafter therefore not referred to as Travis, despite the side effects resulting not by personal intention of sleep deprivation which are brought upon the undersigned's second cousin's roomie's pet cat's former owner during a past life who happened to be an incarnation of Travis himself from Polynesian Folklore, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Please eat responsibly.
First, steal (ok, fine, don't steal...just borrow very discretely) a friend's cell phone. Set the alarm function of the phone to sometime around 3 AM. If the phone has multiple alarms, set them 20 minutes apart starting a few hours after you know the victim will be asleep. Turn the alarm volume up completely.
Next, set their wallpaper to an image of Travis Herche sipping slimfast, and lock the wallpaper with password under the settings.*
Lastly, change the language of the phone to Korean or Mandarin Chinese and return the phone to your friend.
*Please note that FCN can be held liable in a Federal court of law for any damages - physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, property, and monetary - that occur to any individual who has a picture of Travis Herche sipping slimfast set on their phone by any individual hereinafter therefore not referred to as Travis, despite the side effects resulting not by personal intention of sleep deprivation which are brought upon the undersigned's second cousin's roomie's pet cat's former owner during a past life who happened to be an incarnation of Travis himself from Polynesian Folklore, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Please eat responsibly.
9/3/07
The Following is a True Story...
I love camping. I'm just gonna say it. I heart camping. Quality time with the family, scarfing down s'mores and the fresh smell of *sniffs the air*.....poop?
My uncle and I were sitting around the campsite one morning. It was about 10:45 or so, and my little cousin Josiah comes running up the hill from the lake.
"Hey Dad, can I go swimming?" he asks my Uncle.
"Sure go get your swim suit on."
So, Josiah, who is five yeas old runs farther up the hill where his tent is to put on his trunks. Twenty minutes later, my Uncle and I were so engrossed in our conversation that eventually we started to wonder, what was taking Josiah so long.
"Hey Si! are you ok?" my Uncle yelled.
"Yeah, I need to go poop dad!" Josiah yells back.
"Well, get your suit on then I'll take you to the bathroom."
"I can't find my suit!"
In the middle of this little conversatioin between my uncle and my cousin, my other cousin, Jordan sits down right next to me.
"Hey Jord, can you help Josiah find his swim trunks? I'll give you a Hershey bar if you do." So Jordan willingly gets up from his seat and quickly finds Josiah's swim trunks. Two minutes later he comes walking back down the hill.
"There! Found 'em! now where's my Hershey bar."
"It's in the cooler."
So, Jordan leaves and my Uncle and I were sitting there enjoying our conversation when again we start to wonder, how long does it freaking take to put on a pair of swim shorts.
"Josiah, Hurry up!" My uncle yelled.
no answer.
"Josiah!"
still no answer
In my mind I was like, "Huh, this is seeming kind of strange."
"Ugh, what is wrong with that kid." My uncle muttered as he got of his fold-out chair and walked up to Josiah's tent.
"What is that smell?" Said my Uncle. "It smells like...."
Let me just say, none of us saw this coming. We all know that Josiah isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you'd think he had the ability to hold it in.
"POOP! YOU POOPED OUTSIDE YOUR TENT! GAH GEEZ! AND INSIDE YOUR TENT! Oh my gosh!" My uncle looked around some more and noticed one of the pieces of feces had an imprint in it.
"Josiah! Did you step in poop!"
"No."
'THEN HOW'D IT GET ON YOUR FOOT!"
Right here is where I completely burst into laughter. I had to leave the area. Josiah ended up pooping outside of his tent, stepping in it, then walked into his tent. Needless to say my Uncle had to clean up the inside of the tent as well. Apparently Josiah had gotten that lovely substance on the air matress, the sleeping bag, the floor, and, of all things, his swim shorts.
..........man I love camping.
My uncle and I were sitting around the campsite one morning. It was about 10:45 or so, and my little cousin Josiah comes running up the hill from the lake.
"Hey Dad, can I go swimming?" he asks my Uncle.
"Sure go get your swim suit on."
So, Josiah, who is five yeas old runs farther up the hill where his tent is to put on his trunks. Twenty minutes later, my Uncle and I were so engrossed in our conversation that eventually we started to wonder, what was taking Josiah so long.
"Hey Si! are you ok?" my Uncle yelled.
"Yeah, I need to go poop dad!" Josiah yells back.
"Well, get your suit on then I'll take you to the bathroom."
"I can't find my suit!"
In the middle of this little conversatioin between my uncle and my cousin, my other cousin, Jordan sits down right next to me.
"Hey Jord, can you help Josiah find his swim trunks? I'll give you a Hershey bar if you do." So Jordan willingly gets up from his seat and quickly finds Josiah's swim trunks. Two minutes later he comes walking back down the hill.
"There! Found 'em! now where's my Hershey bar."
"It's in the cooler."
So, Jordan leaves and my Uncle and I were sitting there enjoying our conversation when again we start to wonder, how long does it freaking take to put on a pair of swim shorts.
"Josiah, Hurry up!" My uncle yelled.
no answer.
"Josiah!"
still no answer
In my mind I was like, "Huh, this is seeming kind of strange."
"Ugh, what is wrong with that kid." My uncle muttered as he got of his fold-out chair and walked up to Josiah's tent.
"What is that smell?" Said my Uncle. "It smells like...."
Let me just say, none of us saw this coming. We all know that Josiah isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you'd think he had the ability to hold it in.
"POOP! YOU POOPED OUTSIDE YOUR TENT! GAH GEEZ! AND INSIDE YOUR TENT! Oh my gosh!" My uncle looked around some more and noticed one of the pieces of feces had an imprint in it.
"Josiah! Did you step in poop!"
"No."
'THEN HOW'D IT GET ON YOUR FOOT!"
Right here is where I completely burst into laughter. I had to leave the area. Josiah ended up pooping outside of his tent, stepping in it, then walked into his tent. Needless to say my Uncle had to clean up the inside of the tent as well. Apparently Josiah had gotten that lovely substance on the air matress, the sleeping bag, the floor, and, of all things, his swim shorts.
..........man I love camping.
9/2/07
Glorious coke?
Don't look at Coke to be sung to the song "Don't look at me" by Stacie Orrico
Don’t look at coke if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at coke it will only let you down
It’ll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at coke
No, no, no
Look for sprite
Sometimes I fear
That you will taste a coke
And get the thought “now that’s satisfaction”
But all that you detect
Is what Coke reflects
Of Coca Cola’s main attraction
It’ll lead you to the one I found
that’ll give you everything you need
Don’t look at coke if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at coke it will only let you down
It’ll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at coke
No, no, no
Look for sprite
It’s understandable you want quality
But coke can’t meet all your expectations
Still it can teach you things about the brand
The brand that brought you satisfaction
It’ll lead you to the one I found
that’ll give you everything you need
Don’t look at coke if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at coke it will only let you down
It’ll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at coke
No, no, no
Look for sprite
It’s the one who always gets it right
It’s the one who always hits you right
It’s everything you want it to be
It’s the answer to your every need
If you drink sprite you will see it’s better
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh yeah
It'll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don't look at coke
No, no, no
Don’t look at coke if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at coke it will only let you down
It’ll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at coke
No, no, no, no, no, oh, oh,
Look for sprite
Sprite... you don't have to smoke it to get satisfaction, Travis.
Don’t look at coke if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at coke it will only let you down
It’ll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at coke
No, no, no
Look for sprite
Sometimes I fear
That you will taste a coke
And get the thought “now that’s satisfaction”
But all that you detect
Is what Coke reflects
Of Coca Cola’s main attraction
It’ll lead you to the one I found
that’ll give you everything you need
Don’t look at coke if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at coke it will only let you down
It’ll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at coke
No, no, no
Look for sprite
It’s understandable you want quality
But coke can’t meet all your expectations
Still it can teach you things about the brand
The brand that brought you satisfaction
It’ll lead you to the one I found
that’ll give you everything you need
Don’t look at coke if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at coke it will only let you down
It’ll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at coke
No, no, no
Look for sprite
It’s the one who always gets it right
It’s the one who always hits you right
It’s everything you want it to be
It’s the answer to your every need
If you drink sprite you will see it’s better
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh yeah
It'll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don't look at coke
No, no, no
Don’t look at coke if you’re looking for perfection
Don’t look at coke it will only let you down
It’ll do it’s best to point you in the right direction
But don’t look at coke
No, no, no, no, no, oh, oh,
Look for sprite
Sprite... you don't have to smoke it to get satisfaction, Travis.
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