Woman has enlightening baptism experience

RFCN news, Sunday, May 11th. 10:27 p.m.
There have been a series of unfortunate events in Arkansas that apparently all started with a baptism. A 59 year old woman with heart conditions was reportly getting baptized by her pastor of 30 years. The elderly pastor apparently did not hear the screams and gasps for breath of the woman in between the father and the son, and drowned her shortly before the holy spirit. The pastor says this is the first time anything close to this has happened in his career, and apologized for the lack of attention during the baptism. This, however, has not stopped the family from pressing charges. "This should be an open and closed case", said the families attorney, "the whole congregation witnessed it and 359 people have agreed to testify." If convicted, the pastor may serve time in prison for manslaughter. The family and their attorney say they are investigating whether this was pre-meditated or intentional on the part of the pastor as the 59 year old woman was known for galling the pastor repeatedly after many of his free-will sermons. "He just ain't speaken the truth, free-will is a lie", said a woman that sat next to the 59 year old woman in the front row. We wondered what this had to do with the murder. Either way, this truly was a heavenly experience for the 59 year old woman.